So American
White picket fence
Blue eyes

The lifestyle I’ve been searching for
And the one you bring
Playing catch with the kids
Barbecue Sundays after church
Country music on long drives

Strength in your decision
Feet grounded
Direction chosen
Supportive and gentle
Cheerful and social

I see your small fears
I know you’re looking for someone simple
Someone who will understand
You more than at surface level
You want to feel strong
Brave, protector
Independent

I wish I you could’ve given me a minute
To show you who I am
And show me who you are

Conversations about me
Circle around the table
Along with the salt
Along with the criticisms
And green beans

Talks about the girl you didn’t like
You’re not indifferent to,
She just wasn’t enough to keep you hooked
Too immature
Too Mature
Too Quiet
Too homely
Too private

Dinner table privacy
Like the privacy I chose
The privacy you claim
intervenes with your life
Excuses for you to let me go

Conversations go around the dinner table
Pecking at their meal
Peering into who I am

Looking young for your age
more mature than what you seem
yet everyone mistakes you for being
naive
and immature
and patient
and too sweet
and stupid
and clumsy
and childish
and untouched by the dangers of the world

what did I do
what did I say
that makes people believe this "baby face"
lives that way?

when I said
I doubt you'd come back
I didn't think it would be true

people like you
don't come back
you probably think that about me too

but what is it that I miss?
your ignorant bliss
the way you would brag
about how you would kiss
the opposite of me

have the audacity
to say we would play by my rules
have the audacity
to say you would do anything for me

but what more can I expect
I knew
that people like you
don't come back

Look around me
it's no longer the same
Am I the one to shame

How does it feel
to have your future
your life
your dreams
shattered

and still have to put
a smile on your Face
while pretending
it's all the same

Don't move.
You have something on your face

It's the look of tenderness
of innocence
being guided by your youth

I walk in the cold
and watch the snow fall

Snowflakes burning my lips,
kissing my skin
landing in my hair
stick to my lashes

I wish I could admire every single one
take the time to see their shape
know them deeply
love them generously
as I want done to me

I have wanted someone like you for so long

and yet


the distance between us is so



closely...far




but you created this distance






after you said you wouldn’t

you're scared of being embarrassed
I'm afraid of not sticking up for myself

you're scared of the dark
I'm afraid you've left me in it

You're scared you'll make me uncomfortable
I'm afraid you've left me confused

I keep feeling
Like I’m supposed to be waiting for something
Like I forgot to call someone
Or reply to a text
Like I have to say good night to someone
Perhaps I forgot to say good morning

But I haven’t talked to anyone
And there’s nothing I needed to do
Yet every time that feeling comes back
I think it’s because of you

I didn't need to check my phone to know who it was
and because of that,
it became my favorite ringtone.

If they don't apologize
that doesn't make you unworthy
of something better

Some people don't apologize
because they don't know how

others don't apologize
because they know their apologies aren't enough

and some don't apologize
because they don't care enough
                                                         Not enough as you do.

I'll title this later
it's not as important
as letting you know you are loved.
There is someone, somewhere
who misses you
who quietly dreams to see you again
who is grateful for your company
who is willing to do anything to see your smile.

Just know you are loved
more than you think

Arguing with you in my mind
because You said I was different
because You said you wanted to get to know me
because You left
because You-
because I -
want You
to come back

It's blatant
you have me around because you're lonely
you make it so obvious
that it's because of the attention

I don't feed into it anymore
I'm not special to you
because if I was
you wouldn't blame me
for things
I did do
for things given to you
before you met me

My back is straight
shoulders back
chin up
but my gaze looks down
I don't owe anyone
but to myself

When I hear a song
That reminds me of you,
It becomes my favorite

now months later,
I return
to the song that reminded me of you
and how I wish
I could hear it
as if it were new

When the thought of you
Strikes the most.

I'm tired of writing letters
I'll never send
expecting they'll give me clarity
but leading me to a dead-end

J'ai fatigue de lui
is how you say it in French
it's not a language you understand
so I'll say this instead:
Estoy cansada de ti
I'm tired of you
and of the energy you bring

I'll write my poems about you
in old notebooks
I'll use the pages to write letters
I'll burn
but you'll never get

I have the idea that if I write about you
like I have nothing else to write about,

the universe will bring us one step closer

Actions speak louder than words
Actions speak louder than apologies

Staying silent is an action
and it speaks louder than your words ever will

Leaving is an action
and is more sincere than your apologies ever will be

Poetry is the gateway to my healing
as eyes are the window to the soul

Truth is
I still do
I still think about you
Like an itch I can’t reach
But there’s nothing there
I don’t know why
I think about you
I’ve accepted
No loss
No win
I’ll tell myself to stop
You’ll never know
Because the one you think about
Isn’t me

repetitive
repetitive
repetitive
repetitive
repetitive repetition is what I've felt for a year
you never changed even after 365 days
always the same situations
always the same pattern
always the same problems
always
the
same
words

maybe I'm repetitive too
I give you more chances than I should
and I know you won't use them as you say you will
always my same mistake

Saturn and Venus
miles away
loyalty remains
She has a dream
He has her ring
Saturn gifts her the reflection of the moons
Venus gifts him the warmth of the sun

spoiled in silver
golden skin

Saturn and Venus,
me and him

I wonder
What will cross your mind
When you see me
In person

It’s been so long
since we’ve seen face to face
I've only become a presence behind a screen

If you sneeze
it means someone is thinking about you

To whoever gave me a cold,
that turned into a sneezing fit

I hope you're happy

I just wanted someone like you
To like me too.

me?
liking you?
what makes you think that?
the playlist I made about you?
the smile that appears on my face at the thought of you?
the eyes I only have for you?
the way I had to play it off when you liked someone else?
the way my heart skips a beat when I see you?
the way my face turns red when I'm near you?
the way I had to accept you didn't reach back?

me?
like you?
what makes you think that?