I'm tired of writing letters
I'll never send
expecting they'll give me clarity
but leading me to a dead-end

J'ai fatigue de lui
is how you say it in French
it's not a language you understand
so I'll say this instead:
Estoy cansada de ti
I'm tired of you
and of the energy you bring

I'll write my poems about you
in old notebooks
I'll use the pages to write letters
I'll burn
but you'll never get

If they don't apologize
that doesn't make you unworthy
of something better

Some people don't apologize
because they don't know how

others don't apologize
because they know their apologies aren't enough

and some don't apologize
because they don't care enough
                                                         Not enough as you do.

Actions speak louder than words
Actions speak louder than apologies

Staying silent is an action
and it speaks louder than your words ever will

Leaving is an action
and is more sincere than your apologies ever will be

I have wanted someone like you for so long

and yet


the distance between us is so



closely...far




but you created this distance






after you said you wouldn’t

I have the idea that if I write about you
like I have nothing else to write about,

the universe will bring us one step closer

Truth is
I still do
I still think about you
Like an itch I can’t reach
But there’s nothing there
I don’t know why
I think about you
I’ve accepted
No loss
No win
I’ll tell myself to stop
You’ll never know
Because the one you think about
Isn’t me

when I said
I doubt you'd come back
I didn't think it would be true

people like you
don't come back
you probably think that about me too

but what is it that I miss?
your ignorant bliss
the way you would brag
about how you would kiss
the opposite of me

have the audacity
to say we would play by my rules
have the audacity
to say you would do anything for me

but what more can I expect
I knew
that people like you
don't come back

My back is straight
shoulders back
chin up
but my gaze looks down
I don't owe anyone
but to myself

me?
liking you?
what makes you think that?
the playlist I made about you?
the smile that appears on my face at the thought of you?
the eyes I only have for you?
the way I had to play it off when you liked someone else?
the way my heart skips a beat when I see you?
the way my face turns red when I'm near you?
the way I had to accept you didn't reach back?

me?
like you?
what makes you think that?

When I hear a song
That reminds me of you,
It becomes my favorite

now months later,
I return
to the song that reminded me of you
and how I wish
I could hear it
as if it were new

goodness
for a split second
it felt so genuine
a fraction of it so sincere  

You can't say you got to know me
I can't say I got to know you

this is my attempt to let go
of something that feels incomplete
because wanted boys don't want you
or is that only what I think?

you're scared of being embarrassed
I'm afraid of not sticking up for myself

you're scared of the dark
I'm afraid you've left me in it

You're scared you'll make me uncomfortable
I'm afraid you've left me confused

I walk in the cold
and watch the snow fall

Snowflakes burning my lips,
kissing my skin
landing in my hair
stick to my lashes

I wish I could admire every single one
take the time to see their shape
know them deeply
love them generously
as I want done to me

Saturn and Venus
miles away
loyalty remains
She has a dream
He has her ring
Saturn gifts her the reflection of the moons
Venus gifts him the warmth of the sun

spoiled in silver
golden skin

Saturn and Venus,
me and him

Just because he's good-looking
doesn't mean he belongs in your life

Just because he's handsome
doesn't mean he's yours

Just because his looks blow you away
doesn't mean that he wants you too

Just because he says nice things
doesn't mean he means them

I think about that a lot
just because I hope it's not true

Crazy to think that one minute
you're just her brother
the one you sometimes see around
don't know your name
never spoken a word
and in the next
you're someone I imagine myself with

Don't move.
You have something on your face

It's the look of tenderness
of innocence
being guided by your youth

I just wanted someone like you
To like me too.

I remember
talking about you late at night
talking about how I felt you were different
how good looking you are
the way I would love to have you
and for you to have me

I remember saying,
"Who knows, my true love might arrive in a year"
      "No! In a month"
            "In a week"
"in a minute."

and a minute later, your name flashed upon my screen

repetitive
repetitive
repetitive
repetitive
repetitive repetition is what I've felt for a year
you never changed even after 365 days
always the same situations
always the same pattern
always the same problems
always
the
same
words

maybe I'm repetitive too
I give you more chances than I should
and I know you won't use them as you say you will
always my same mistake

Your honor,
my defendant is innocent
I swear
why would she be so bent
on straightening her hair
and having something to wear
for a man who doesn't give a cent
about her?

My dear jury,
the accusations are false
no, she did not imagine a waltz
with a man who decided
to toy with the flags he held
red, green, beige
it's all the same
when something such as the relations
go under such euthanasia

What you did was honorable
More honest than at surface level
Leaving me questioning
So I wouldn’t be left hurting

It makes sense
Stepping away
Than being the one to play

Eyes blurred, eyes blue
Heart left, heart cured

Conversations about me
Circle around the table
Along with the salt
Along with the criticisms
And green beans

Talks about the girl you didn’t like
You’re not indifferent to,
She just wasn’t enough to keep you hooked
Too immature
Too Mature
Too Quiet
Too homely
Too private

Dinner table privacy
Like the privacy I chose
The privacy you claim
intervenes with your life
Excuses for you to let me go

Conversations go around the dinner table
Pecking at their meal
Peering into who I am

The evidence presented to you
against this young convict
is as follows

a playlist mainly featuring:
11th Hour - Haily Knox
Reflections - The Neighborhood
Different this time - Cornelia Murr

Countless of poems
shamelessly written for him

ashes of the letters
she's burnt
the recipient is unclear
but it is suspected that at least one
was for him

Text receipts
of her asking all the questions about him
while he makes none about her

as you can see,
she had a good reason to fall for this man
she was fueled by delusions

I wonder
What will cross your mind
When you see me
In person

I’ve been a presence behind a screen for so long

Look around me
it's no longer the same
Am I the one to shame

How does it feel
to have your future
your life
your dreams
shattered

and still have to put
a smile on your Face
while pretending
it's all the same

Your honor,
and the jury upon us
this girl is guilty
for falling for a man
who wasn't as committed
as she was when she committed the crime

yes,
you heard me well
love is a crime
like knowingly drawing yourself
like a moth to a flame
she knew it would lead to nowhere
and yet, she proceeded
proceeded to make a playlist for her victim
to try to forget him only to return,
to the memory of him
to knowingly commit
not only the crime of driving him away
but also the crime of wanting him to stay

So American
White picket fence
Blue eyes

The lifestyle I’ve been searching for
And the one you bring
Playing catch with the kids
Barbecue Sundays after church
Country music on long drives

Strength in your decision
Feet grounded
Direction chosen
Supportive and gentle
Cheerful and social

I see your small fears
I know you’re looking for someone simple
Someone who will understand
You more than at surface level
You want to feel strong
Brave, protector
Independent

I wish I you could’ve given me a minute
To show you who I am
And show me who you are
But our backs is the only thing we watched