The scenery couldn’t have been built better for the perfect kiss.
Instead of a kiss she finds what fear fears.
The wish of flying free always ends in flying alone.
Has freedom ever been found to bring bliss?

As the sun shadows tears of disappointment and grief,
She falls from the sky she had put herself in.

An illusion made because of a few words, a few smiles?

The burden of a woman has always been
The same of a man.

One paints a picture of the perfect paradise
Never once deviating, never changing.
The other paints black the picture of a paradise once made
In hopes of never falling again.

Among the crowd there was a still man. Bewildered he seemed; his eyes not moving though confusion engulfing them. Compelled I was to offer aid but something in his stance stopped me. Described in it were rage, disappointment and the slightest hint of hope. Ecstatic the crowd was and yet he wasn’t able to let himself join the atmosphere. Fabricated around him was an invisible bubble of mental isolation. Granted through my conclusion was that his mind must have been going a thousand miles per hour.

Hesitation again making me balance on the tip of my toes, moving me forward but not quite advancing. Instead, I chose to swing backwards and snap back into my life; his life was none of my business.

Jaws were clenched as I walked back to my car and I realized never before had I actually believed those words. Keeping my thoughts locked up, I felt eyes burning into my back.

“Looking at me, sweety?” A deep voice startled me. Momentarily paralyzed I was. Nervousness gave me chills down my spine. Opened my car door as I ignored the threating voice behind me. Pressure quickly surrounded heavily around my wrist and pulled me right before I could sit on the white leather seats of my car.

“Quiet! Don’t you dare scream” he said. Rapidly, he took out a knife from his back pocket, barely visible.

“Succulent, I thought I wasn’t going to enjoy myself tonight… the first one failed to show up.” Terror filled my lungs, clouded my mind and filled the air around us; it was almost tangible.

Unlike stories I had read, this man couldn’t appear much more trustworthy and calm. Vulgarity seeped through his pores, however; this judgment further proved right when his hand slowly raced up my inner thigh.

“Wait…please….”, I couldn’t manage to spit out anything else. X-ray vision I bet he wished he had by the way he was staring at me. Yet he subtly interlocked his fingers into mine but firmly squeezing my hand.

Zooming cars was the last I heard as he dragged me into the street….

Hatred that fuels passion

Love that restrains resentment.

More of a balance,

there is none.

Even more of an irony


When to risk everything if we must,

we’d gladly do. But one more trip

and over the cliff

one

of us goes.


Though both of us know,

insignificant others will no longer signify us.

Future pain

out of the question is.


Though the remaining one

stings

with every silenced complaint masked with trust:

We mustn’t say,

We mustn’t show….


Both of us have ending arguments.

Both of us win.

Both of us lose.

Both of us surrender.


After so many tears,

after so much steam and anger –

the experience doesn’t fail, to

show us human.

Doesn’t fail to let us

downgrade pride.

and value every breath-taking moment.

Let our sight take care of past feelings.


We deliberately forgive

…do we forget?

We never forget.

We repress.

Repression that hurts

us,

but also prevents us from the

almost inevitable end.


Where do we fall?

Where do we combine,

repel any sign of despair?


A place where we can never go when mostly desired

– but always arrive in the

neediest of times.

A place where unconsciously we drown

into each others eyes - just once more.

Time non-existent.


Never will we understand

for never will we need to.

The plain fact is there,

And when there,

rationality suddenly becomes irrational.


My frustration to your ways.

Your hatred to my actions.

Our compassion for our love.


Bliss may come

when words of it are spoken no more.

Both of us

in mutual eternal exhilaration.

The catch about alcoholic beverages is not exactly what you're taught, again and again, during school.

The catch is not that it impairs your thinking and awareness abilities. It is how even though one is fully aware of the situation at hand, carelessness overrules all other emotions (besides lust) and logical reasoning.

This - and nothing else - is what pushed me to commit a sin I would've otherwise not committed.

That, indeed, is quite an astonishing fact considering all the opportunities I'm willing to take in a heartbeat that others would deny in the same, or even less, amount  of time.

Perhaps the thought of my now-carried-out transgression had crossed, and even lingered on, my mind.

But the dizzying poison fabricated them into action.

It was a sweet summer breeze brushing on a delicate flower sight
It was the moon coming to its highest point, illuminating darkened skies
It was the rain pouring down on deserts dry
It was a bird elevating on his first flight
It was the sun rising on a winter night

There is nothing like which will ignite
What in me came about tonight

It was Magic,
That kiss.
Magic which only shows when it is love outright

He,
My White Knight.

Did you even get to hear that sound?

How it drowned out

The running water beneath my hands?

That silent sound of pleasure?


I can’t even recall it anymore.


This is what you couldn’t understand.

All I hear now is her screaming;

Betrayed, and yet we just stand there.


I’m acting faster than I can think.

You’re falling with groundless lies.

Excuses gone with one blink.


Do you hear her screams of pain

Through words of fury?

Me by her side, you see,

I’m not one to get burned by Mercury.


And you will be the one to blame.

I’m always behind glassed security.

She puts on her bathrobe.
like he hadn’t just seen her.
They walk to the open door.
He turns around.

“So”. Here come the words of closure.
“I think it’s needless to say this stays bet-“
She knows. “Don’t even mention it.”
maybe if she says it fast enough it will seem as if it was never said.

He holds a blank expression.
Hope? She leans in.
His hand on her lower back.
A kiss so fast, her eyes weren’t even capable of closing.

A sigh ignored. “I’ll see you around then.”
She knows. It is not an invite.
“I guess…” A nostalgic smile ignored.
She closes the door.

He doesn’t know.
He has no clue.

The point is reached where
You wish details weren’t so evident to you
Anymore.
Where you wish you were the type of person
That could turn their head around and
Give the ******* to the world,
Instead of dwelling over the “what ifs”.
Where you feel trapped by society’s invisible rules
Set by fear

Where not even
Sleep is an escape and
Written words become
Phantom.

This time - things change.
Perhaps change isn't the correct word...they vanish.
The sins and errors: no more.
The tears and pain: non-existant.

You, i do not deserve.
Nevertheless, need you.
And no...to let you go is never, never has been
and never will be, even an option.

To the others i will talk  no more.
The others i will see no more.
There wasn't any others...
Just the curiosity of my inhibitions.

**** that human urge!
Oh, **** that human nature!
For sorrier I have never been and the words said now
Are as real as the air we breath.
    
Thus.
Here i sit, in this lonesome place.

Full of ignorant people who stare at me and feel pity.
Pity! Ha. Not even sympathy.

Yet here i sit.
Writting words that to you, have no meaning.
But here i sit
...still writting
...still grieving.

Thinking of what to say -
only if there was anything to say.
Thinking of what to do -
only if there was anything to do.
Thinking of us -
only if there was any 'us'.

Everything becomes insignificant
if not of yours.
Everything is now nothing.
But what is nothing?
The absense of everything.
And everything?
- is you.
    
To live on with my life. Impossible.
To act like this doesn't affect me. Impossible.
To let you walk away in pain. Impossible.
To hurt you once more. Impossible.
To listen to the so-called advice. Impossible.
To laugh at the most probable ending. Impossible.
To not love you?
That too, impossible is.

Thus.

Here I stand.
In front of you i will place myself.
My eyes will stare into yours and
(though i'm probably confusing reality with my own fantasy)
in loyalty and bliss we will prevail.

The love will overstep human instincts.
For what we have isn't human
- it's godly.
    
So here.
    
One more written promise.
Only this time there isn't a third person to influence.
Only this time, though capable of sharing,
to myself i keep.

The start of a new beginning - if you will.

Because as hard as you may try
to stare at me with disgust and anger,
it's as how much it is visible in your eyes
that you want this 'game' to end as much as i do.

For i still see the love -
and the possible forgiveness.
For i still see
the hope.
    
True love doesn't vanish into thin air.
It doesn't vanish because of the errors.
As much as you may want to escape from it -
it stays.

And it only grows.
    
I'm deeply sorry you had to pick the one
that only learns the hardest of ways.
But she does love you.

That - has never been a lie.
It is as much as a lesson to me
as it is to you.

Your name shall not be mentioned.
You sick disgrace of my pride,
You sweet irony of my realizations.

Carefully and
Unintentionally do you dare to steal my crown -
Within few blinks of an eye.

But after all is not you,
Now is it?
Your resembling self just came in right on time -
A second too late.

You,
The physical representation of my wrong doings,
must you really push it any further?
We both know the outcome.
We know it all too well;
Of course you would.

For your type I've seen before.
I've experienced before:

Beautiful in sight and euphoria,
lacking softness and pace.
Resulting in utter and irreparable chaos.

You see,
Of your type I've felt before.

And you name cannot be mentioned...

My dear, forgive my sinful ways of thinking. I utterly think you have no meaning in where you are standing with her. Yes, I am a spineless coward. I have no reason at all to speak to you in such a matter. But don’t you understand? It’s never enough for me. I never know where the limit of someone else’s affection is. Especially not yours.
My ecstasy when you lovers don’t speak is completely disgraceful. But I can help it not. I must disclose though, the sight of you has changed. The way my brain decodes your moves and words has evolved in that of a way that they will not puncture me - they way they had. Elementary safety.
I am somewhat relieved that you desire her and no one else. Though she was that of a sister to me, one never knows enough to trust unconditionally with one’s darkest secrets. For I’ve been taught to trust no one but myself. She never alerted me that the love sentiment was reaching her thoughts regarding you. Thus I never took precautions.
Remorse will at no time overcrowd my memories. For at one point, ending what we had was all I ever craved for. Nevertheless, I would be grateful for that first and certainty last taste of what I not once acquired.

Along with effortless words
Laughs of remembered enjoyment
Silences so painfully loud.

The ordinary conversations,
lighting up every
shadowed corner.

Comparison
                    fights       fights
                             and

Doubts
reasons with
Desire
          defies contentment
                                          time
      ­                                           distance
                                                        ­      sound
                                                     ­                    touch
          defies what I've come to call
                                                                ­                   love...
when it's nothing but
                                                             ­                    complex
                                                         ­                     convenience.

So ever disgraceful. So unmercifully do you cry, making yourself believe you are the victim. Oh, please. You so called “innocent thing”, dry your eyes. Don’t deny that my pain is your joy!

        Dignity- you certainly do not deserve. By doing the wrong, nothing can be right. And yes, don't forget: that name karma has gained? She's very well gained it.

         Because deep inside you know that you drove him away from me. And not only do you do that, but take everyone - Every. Single. Person - away from me…

Nevertheless, I do not fall. Straight forward is where I go. Up and up. Making my way through endless halls. Finding them a door where I can walk through and safe myself. While you, well…you will just keep on walking, believing that the “company” you’ve got is enough.

But now honey, please look again. Human souls are devils. They will betray with no ending. That “company” will vanish into thin air.

       Apprehend, that not always will you have someone to lean on every time you are about to fall!

The questions rise once more:

How do we embrace without touching?
How do we hurt without aching?
How do we crave without yearning?

But more.

How do we explain without excusing?
How is it that we smile without feeling,
and grieve without outer emotion?

Eyes close, no sleep.
Legs walk, no destination.
Lips talk, no conversation.
Pages filled, with no constant thought or feeling.

Written words, become, for the first
time, pointless scribbles with spaces in between.

A blur, if you will.

And that’s just it.
If you will?… If i will?… If they will?

I do confess

I’d love to know

If there was something felt.

Was there any passion?

Maybe a bit of rage?

Was it the best,

Or was it the worse?

Fear?

Or better yet, hope?

Perhaps nothing at all…