The catch about alcoholic beverages is not exactly what you're taught, again and again, during school.

The catch is not that it impairs your thinking and awareness abilities. It is how even though one is fully aware of the situation at hand, carelessness overrules all other emotions (besides lust) and logical reasoning.

This - and nothing else - is what pushed me to commit a sin I would've otherwise not committed.

That, indeed, is quite an astonishing fact considering all the opportunities I'm willing to take in a heartbeat that others would deny in the same, or even less, amount  of time.

Perhaps the thought of my now-carried-out transgression had crossed, and even lingered on, my mind.

But the dizzying poison fabricated them into action.

I do confess

I’d love to know

If there was something felt.

Was there any passion?

Maybe a bit of rage?

Was it the best,

Or was it the worse?

Fear?

Or better yet, hope?

Perhaps nothing at all…

This time - things change.
Perhaps change isn't the correct word...they vanish.
The sins and errors: no more.
The tears and pain: non-existant.

You, i do not deserve.
Nevertheless, need you.
And no...to let you go is never, never has been
and never will be, even an option.

To the others i will talk  no more.
The others i will see no more.
There wasn't any others...
Just the curiosity of my inhibitions.

**** that human urge!
Oh, **** that human nature!
For sorrier I have never been and the words said now
Are as real as the air we breath.
    
Thus.
Here i sit, in this lonesome place.

Full of ignorant people who stare at me and feel pity.
Pity! Ha. Not even sympathy.

Yet here i sit.
Writting words that to you, have no meaning.
But here i sit
...still writting
...still grieving.

Thinking of what to say -
only if there was anything to say.
Thinking of what to do -
only if there was anything to do.
Thinking of us -
only if there was any 'us'.

Everything becomes insignificant
if not of yours.
Everything is now nothing.
But what is nothing?
The absense of everything.
And everything?
- is you.
    
To live on with my life. Impossible.
To act like this doesn't affect me. Impossible.
To let you walk away in pain. Impossible.
To hurt you once more. Impossible.
To listen to the so-called advice. Impossible.
To laugh at the most probable ending. Impossible.
To not love you?
That too, impossible is.

Thus.

Here I stand.
In front of you i will place myself.
My eyes will stare into yours and
(though i'm probably confusing reality with my own fantasy)
in loyalty and bliss we will prevail.

The love will overstep human instincts.
For what we have isn't human
- it's godly.
    
So here.
    
One more written promise.
Only this time there isn't a third person to influence.
Only this time, though capable of sharing,
to myself i keep.

The start of a new beginning - if you will.

Because as hard as you may try
to stare at me with disgust and anger,
it's as how much it is visible in your eyes
that you want this 'game' to end as much as i do.

For i still see the love -
and the possible forgiveness.
For i still see
the hope.
    
True love doesn't vanish into thin air.
It doesn't vanish because of the errors.
As much as you may want to escape from it -
it stays.

And it only grows.
    
I'm deeply sorry you had to pick the one
that only learns the hardest of ways.
But she does love you.

That - has never been a lie.
It is as much as a lesson to me
as it is to you.

So ever disgraceful. So unmercifully do you cry, making yourself believe you are the victim. Oh, please. You so called “innocent thing”, dry your eyes. Don’t deny that my pain is your joy!

        Dignity- you certainly do not deserve. By doing the wrong, nothing can be right. And yes, don't forget: that name karma has gained? She's very well gained it.

         Because deep inside you know that you drove him away from me. And not only do you do that, but take everyone - Every. Single. Person - away from me…

Nevertheless, I do not fall. Straight forward is where I go. Up and up. Making my way through endless halls. Finding them a door where I can walk through and safe myself. While you, well…you will just keep on walking, believing that the “company” you’ve got is enough.

But now honey, please look again. Human souls are devils. They will betray with no ending. That “company” will vanish into thin air.

       Apprehend, that not always will you have someone to lean on every time you are about to fall!

My dear, forgive my sinful ways of thinking. I utterly think you have no meaning in where you are standing with her. Yes, I am a spineless coward. I have no reason at all to speak to you in such a matter. But don’t you understand? It’s never enough for me. I never know where the limit of someone else’s affection is. Especially not yours.
My ecstasy when you lovers don’t speak is completely disgraceful. But I can help it not. I must disclose though, the sight of you has changed. The way my brain decodes your moves and words has evolved in that of a way that they will not puncture me - they way they had. Elementary safety.
I am somewhat relieved that you desire her and no one else. Though she was that of a sister to me, one never knows enough to trust unconditionally with one’s darkest secrets. For I’ve been taught to trust no one but myself. She never alerted me that the love sentiment was reaching her thoughts regarding you. Thus I never took precautions.
Remorse will at no time overcrowd my memories. For at one point, ending what we had was all I ever craved for. Nevertheless, I would be grateful for that first and certainty last taste of what I not once acquired.

Hatred that fuels passion

Love that restrains resentment.

More of a balance,

there is none.

Even more of an irony


When to risk everything if we must,

we’d gladly do. But one more trip

and over the cliff

one

of us goes.


Though both of us know,

insignificant others will no longer signify us.

Future pain

out of the question is.


Though the remaining one

stings

with every silenced complaint masked with trust:

We mustn’t say,

We mustn’t show….


Both of us have ending arguments.

Both of us win.

Both of us lose.

Both of us surrender.


After so many tears,

after so much steam and anger –

the experience doesn’t fail, to

show us human.

Doesn’t fail to let us

downgrade pride.

and value every breath-taking moment.

Let our sight take care of past feelings.


We deliberately forgive

…do we forget?

We never forget.

We repress.

Repression that hurts

us,

but also prevents us from the

almost inevitable end.


Where do we fall?

Where do we combine,

repel any sign of despair?


A place where we can never go when mostly desired

– but always arrive in the

neediest of times.

A place where unconsciously we drown

into each others eyes - just once more.

Time non-existent.


Never will we understand

for never will we need to.

The plain fact is there,

And when there,

rationality suddenly becomes irrational.


My frustration to your ways.

Your hatred to my actions.

Our compassion for our love.


Bliss may come

when words of it are spoken no more.

Both of us

in mutual eternal exhilaration.