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why is it when?
you tell me you love me
i feel utter happiness
warmth floods me

yet an unbearable sadness
pulls and picks
like a seagull on the beach
pestering a crab
waiting for it to give up

i don't want to
but i feel like its correct
meant to happen
maybe just giving up
isn't as bad as they say

maybe its time
to give up*

. . . . . . .

give up on the sadness
that i held like a blanket
as if it keeps me warm
i realize now, that it didn't
never did, never will

though i continue to clutch it
a child, frightened of letting go
loosing my strong grasp on
past feelings and fake safeties

to be completely happy

could i maybe find another
a blanket of thicker wool?
one that does hold me
tight in its embrace
keeping me warm
giving me love
maybe it's time
to take more
and let you
love me
fully
roses,
beautiful
yet
deadly

fragrant and thorny

blood red roses
are the most dangerous
they are blood red for a reason

if they ***** you
they absorb the blood
into the plant

it shows again
in the rose petals.
red.
blood red.

the next time you see a
blood red rose.
make sure to steal clear of it

they are out for blood

.   . .    .      .   . .
.   . .    .   . . .   . .
lavender fields
strawberry bushes
apple trees
mint flavored lips

i wish to sit under
  the tallest apple tree          
and eat    
strawberries
in a field              
smelling wonderfully
of lavender
and mint          

cherry blossoms
getting entangled            
in the wisps of my hair

while you lay sprawled
eyes shut against the sun      

waiting until night
to walk                                  
into the middle of the field    
collapse next to each other
holding hands

staring at the stars
thinking of what to do
tomorrow
i found your scars
you attempted to brush me away
i persisted
brought your wrist
up to my lips

and whispered
"i'm sorry, it'll be okay"
and continued to kiss them
all better

~X~
a girl
       wakes up
                 eyes upon
staring at the ceiling
     finding the little spiders
              have grown and multiplied
she smiles
     such small things, such little lives

she rolls out of bed
    shuffles around to find clothes
                    in semi darkness
shoves her hair up
         out of her eyes
and into a loose pony-tail
                                   walks out the door

a girl
       wakes up
                 eyes upon
staring at the ceiling
    not noticing the little spiders
                eyes turned inwards instead
she smiles
        believing today's gonna good

she hops out of bed
    hurries around to find clothes
                    exited about the day
pulls her hair up
         looks at it, considers it
and re-does it to make it perfect
                                   skips out the door

a girl
       lays in bed
                 eyes closed
not responding to the world
     the little spiders have moved away
              grown up, gone to a better place
she's still
     quiet and cold

she's still in bed
    her mother bangs on the door
                    wondering why she's not up
opens it to tell her to hurry
         looks at her, says it again
begins to cry, runs to the form
                               sobs because she never knew
~take it as you will~
gentle lines surround the lips
crows feet corner the eyes
sliver hairs over come fake dye
forehead dotted with sun spots

growing old
keep it that way
be proud that you made it
you got to get wrinkles
living didn't **** you
embrace your slivering hair
crows feet make your eyes stand out
sliver hair sparkles in the sun
sun spots show you have lived

you did it
you grew old!
C:
i've become like a rubix cube
i am placed in the cupboard        
to be taken out on occasion
and put in a disarray  
twisted                                    
turned    ­          
confused                          
  
   just to be put back    
only after being caused more            
damage

after once again being
re-accommodated                
to the lonely cupboard

someone else                                
with obvious time to pass
clasps their hands on me              
only to expenditure
their fancied time on me

but once again                  
being returned into the loneliness
of the cupboard

waiting for the day
when someone else finds me        
dusts me off                                  
and returns me
to my initial state of orderliness

colour co-ordinated      
and whole

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
not all things are beautiful                
but i've tried to discover something          
along those lines, everyday
hidden things that are beautiful                
i sat on the floor
cross legged              
and stared into space
people looked at me funny, but i don't care about them

while sitting
cross legged      
on the floor

the sun shone through the window
and tiny little lights sparkled                              
we don't have fireflies where we are
unfortunately

they were beautiful
gold specks                      
floating through the air        
lazily
with no thoughts
no reason to be        
yet
it was beautiful    

and no one noticed it
except me        
    
sitting on the floor
cross legged
i'm just so
tired
        my spine weighs me down
it has lost its
       strength
each vertebra has taken in sadness

they hold it, being my backing weight
         pulling the energy out of me
sapping my life slowly
                        because of the         effort

that it now requires
     just so that
i can hold it up,
     it tires me

        to remain upright
heh just re read that, i wrote it without thinking much, it doesn't exactly run well, but i don't want to change it.
i want to, sit on a park bench                                  
at the beginning of autumn
sipping our take away coffee and watching
the singular fragments of leaves on fire          
falling from the trees
to whirl softly before landing on the ground

i want to, go fishing on a pier sitting over a lake
on a fresh spring morning
just to catch a fish with you                              
name it something ridiculous
and release it back into the wild, so i can say that we
officially domesticated a wild animal together    

i want to, go and see a kiddy movie in the theaters
so we can sit in the front row and watch  
while feeding each other popcorn                              
then wait till the end of the rolling credits, when everyone else is gone
before racing each other
up the stairs and pushing the doors open to outside                

i want to, stand in the supermarket                          
drawing little faces on the condensations and                                
light heartedly bickering with you in front of the freezers
about the right flavor ice-cream
for our movie night on your couch at home                            
before deciding on purchasing both of them

i want to, stand under a light pole                        
on a mild summer night
with crickets as our backing music                              
the moon our only audience, and dance slowly
like the world doesn't exist outside of the small                      
pool of light at our feet

some of the many innocent things i want to do with you...
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