It sneaks up on you
tasteless
breathless
and you suddenly realize
that maybe teaching
a fish to climb
isn't going to solve
the turbulent waters
within

It's not that I'm a
pessimist
or that I've been hurt
so much
that I've decided that
glorification of suffering
would be more validating
than seeking comfort in others
I don't think the world is
a fundamentally broken place
nor do I think that people
are broken too
People are what I need them
to be at times and
the world is all part of a greater
narrative
and the truth is just
whatever is useful
at that moment
and right now
it all is veering
towards being
meaningless

The world moves
in shades of gray
around me
and people aren't
one way
or another
they just sort of
are
and they sometimes
do great things
and sometimes
terrible
but they themselves
are just shades of gray
arguing over who
makes the best
stormy sky

It's Wednesday
and I realized
I haven't taken
a breath since
the Sunday
before my birthday
and the only way
I found out was that
people kept asking
"Why are you so blue?
How can we help you
be happy?"
but I am happy
I am so very happy
at least that's what I
was thinking while
my head was spinning
against the earth
due to oxygen
deprivation

In our attempts
to remain unknown
it's no surprise
how long we're
alone

great whales
swim through my dreams
and Ahab is there
but he always screams
when he loses his leg
and I can't help but
hold my breath when the
whales go back under
the water to see if I'd
be able to follow them
and live
just for a little bit
out of reach
of the sunlight

"You look like a California Boy"
the Albanian man said
"What does that mean, a California Boy?"
I asked
"I don't know."
he said,
"But I said it so you figure out
what it means and tell me."
All I knew is that I was still wearing
a sweater that I had put on in the morning
when it was still only fifty degrees out
and that I was starting to bake a little
in the strange, eighty-degree October
sunlight