You're like every other free-spirit.
No more free than a bird in a cage
Or a fish in a tank.
The only thing you see is your own reflection.
The only approval you need is from yourself
And that's how it should be,
But when the only opinion you see is yours
You have a problem.
I don't mean to sound angry
Because I'm not.
This is a lesson in growing up.
The sooner you learn it the better.
Underdeveloped sense of self-worth
And an overdeveloped sense for yourself.
The world owes you nothing more than the air you breathe
And even that seems like it's pushing it.
Give more than you receive.
Be a humble person.
Easy lessons,
But I guess not for you.

I hope this finds you well.

Sadness is a funny thing
The way it creeps up so quietly
And puts its hands around your neck
And over your eyes.
Before you know it
You're blind and can't breathe
And overcome with grief
And you don't even know why.
But all the memories of worse times
Come flooding back
And sadness comes with them
To open your mouth
And force them all down.
While you're choking on things
You wish you couldn't remember,
Gasping for air
Just dying to breathe,
For a split second you realize
You have control
And that's the second you win over
Your emotions.

I store stress in my bones
And I can feel myself getting older
Because of it.
I just don't know any other way
To live,
But please help me.
I'm too young to die.

My body creaks
And this old house just isn't
What it used to be.
There are things inside of me
That go bump in the night.
My demons I let escape
To destroy what's left of me.

All I want
Is what I need.
Fix me.

I did become cynical,
And I hit many lows
Each one deeper than the last.
It all culminated to the end
And the start of the next beginning.

I let the light from my life
Be beaten out of me and I saw only darkness
Everywhere.
But I overcame and persevered,
And I suppose it's true that even
The smallest of lights beats out the dark.

I sought out anything that could
Allow me to learn more about myself
And the world around me,
To grow deeper, but never to sink
And never drag me down.
If anything, it let me fly.

I now understand why people
Jump from bridges.
It isn't to escape the world.
It's to escape themselves.

I love you so much
It's ******* killing me.
I swear,
If I see you in my head
One more time,
I'll go blind.

And when you say
"I promise,"
Please mean it.
Or I guess stare longingly
Into my eyes and lie like that.
At least it'll make me feel
A little better about the hoops
I jump through for you.

How can the one thing I hate
Be the one thing I need?
And isn't it quite the contradiction
That loving the thing you hate
Brings you both joy and pain?
And so I suppose it's true
That
In the end the things we love
Will be the death of us,
But only ever in the best of ways.

Life isn't a spectator sport,
But oh God,
The way I live mine,
You'd think it was.

Watching it all from the sidelines,
A benchwarmer for my own game.
Neck deep in thought about the way
I can't seem to get a hold of anything,
Anymore.

Responsibility,
From far away and in the dark,
Looks like an attractive prospect,
But up close and in the light,
It's high definition terror at its finest.

"Get a grip and get it together,"
"I can't," I whisper.

I know the answers to all of my questions,
But I lack the motivation and optimism
Saved for those who are worthy of living
A life in the light.

The eternal struggle of needing experience
To gain experience.
Be good and be good at it.

I'm fine.

All I do is not a lot
And those not-a-lots
Tend to add up,
So I guess that
All I do really is something
In the grand scope of things.

And if life is but a dream,
And I spend my days dreaming,
Then am I really wasting them?
Or am I living?
And when will I wake up?

My life is my nightmare
And only when I'm awake
Am I free to do everything.
It's when I sleep that I'm confronted
By all of the things
I'd rather not face.

Tell me what's real.

I remember every night
We stayed awake until the sun came up.
I could count every breath
I took with you.
I remember every purposefully
Awkward glance that led to better things.
I remember every word as they fell neatly
Out of your mouth.
I could close my eyes and retrace
Your every outline with a sure touch.
I remember all of your favorite books
And movies.

I don't remember your birthday
Or the color of your eyes,
What your necklace looks like
Or what earrings you wear,
How much you loved me
Or didn't.

And I don't know what's more important.

Happiness is relaxed chaos
And
Sadness is chaos focused.

We live what we can't write,
So some of us do more than others.

And if good art is better left unfinished,

Some girl's beauty is so
Paralyzing.
It stops you in your tracks
Even from a full sprint.
Your heart seems to skip
And words fail you.
And you know at once
That this is
The girl.

Some girl's beauty is
Quiet.
It creeps up on you slowly
And surrounds your senses.
Completely engulfing them.
Then you come to realize
That this is
The girl.

I appreciate the way I fell
In love with you.
A mix between the two.
I held my breath and jumped
Right in.
You calmed my skipping
Heart
And I came to realize that
You were
The girl.

I fell in love with every fiber
Of your being
With every fiber
Of mine.

I can't ever
Get comfortable,
It seems.
And I can't ever
Fall asleep.

Stay up and watch
The sunrise
Chase the moon
Across the morning sky.
And I'm searching
For a word to better
Describe the way
It looks when
The stars are fading out
Against the changing
Colors of the night
Into the morning.
The way the dark blue
Changes tune to
The paintbrush pastels
Of dawn.

And it's stuck
In my throat,
But I'll choke
Before I get it out.

The morning walks
I take,
Take my mind off
Of the way
I can't ever seem to
Find the right words
To say how I feel,
Because watching
This sleeping city wake
Explains everything
I've ever wanted to say.

And it's tired
Just like I am,
But we fight to wake up
Because being alive
Is more than trying
To get enough sleep.
I may be ruining myself,
But at least
I'm enjoying every
Second of it.

I'm falling apart,
And every time I stitch
Myself back together
There's less and less of me,
And I'm forgetting more and more,
But I swear I'll remember
All the mornings I stayed awake
And watched the sun come up
Because those are the memories
That seem to mean the most.

If I could
I would stretch the hours
Between 3 and 5am,
Into days on end
Because that small window
I never want to close.
These hours are
"Line 'Em Up," by States.
They're "Listen & Forgive,"
By Transit.
They're the way
Streetlights look
When you drive under them.
They're the conversations
You only have when you're by yourself.

Two hours
Then it's gone.
They're ephemeral.
And because I don't
Want them to end
I won't let this…

We catcall our deaths
Until they show
A little skin.
Then we run back
To the ones
We've abandoned,
Just to say
We needed them
All along.

We mistake determinism
For free will
We mistake calculated moves
For wishful thinking.

These are our lives.

And if reincarnation
Is just another form
Of procrastination,
Why postpone
The inevitable?

New organs
For old bodies.
Old souls
For new flesh.

When your day
Has come
Will who you are
Be the same
As who
You could have been?

When we finally hit empty
For the last time,
Will it really be
The last time?

All the people I pass by,
Cities unto themselves,
Holding citizens within secrets.
If theses streets could talk
They would speak volumes
About the lives within.
If only I could explore
Every back alley
And examine every
Sidewalk crack.

These strangers don't know
How important they are to me.
I only hope that I am as important
To their existence
As they are to mine.

I know I need to learn
To push my troubles
To the side and worry less,
But every day they
Line up one by one
In front of me
And state their case
And why they’re going to stay.

I feel helpless as they either
Yell or quietly whisper
“I’m going to take over your life.”
And I seem to lose my voice
And can’t even find a “*******,”
For them.

By the end of the day
There’s a single-file line behind me
And they call themselves
“Regrets.”
But I could take them on
Two by two or
Three by three or
All at once

Because at this point
I’m just trying to get to sleep.

I tried sleeping off the days,
But it just made the nights
More unbearable.
I tried sleeping through the nights,
But the days became even longer.

Every week I told myself
I’m going to try to be better.

Weeks turned into days.
Days turned into hours.
And the hours turned into minutes.
I hounded myself every moment
Of every day,
Telling myself that if I didn’t get

Better

I would be done with myself.

I was my own problem
And my own solution.
I wallowed in my own self-pity.
I dug my own grave and was
Ready to lie in it.
I became cynical.
Too blinded by the hate
I harbored for myself
And everyone around me,
I couldn’t see
The answer I was looking for.

Or maybe

I didn’t let myself see it.

After enough time,
My own lies became
My truths.
And I lived by them.
I built myself up
Just to beat myself down again.
I was a house
And my thoughts were the fire.
Consumed by them every day
And at night I laid my head to rest
In the ashes.

Eventually,
It all became too much.
I didn’t enjoy hating myself
Even though I told myself otherwise.
I didn’t enjoy shutting myself in
Even though I told myself I should.
I didn’t enjoy being sad.

Happiness isn’t a destination,
It’s a state of mind.
A state of mind was what I was looking for
All along.

I love where I live
And I’d like to think
That where I live loves me too.
For all of the wonderful things
It has shown me and the feelings
It evokes in me.
I am forever in debt to this place.

Where I live has molded me into
Who I am today,
And helped me to stay grounded.
And although I haven’t done anything
To make me get a big head or a big ego,
I think that if I ever get to that point
All I have to do is wander into my backyard
For an hour or two and I’ll realize
How infinitely small I am compared
To the vastness of what lies just beyond
The tree-line.

And god forbid if I ever forget
Where I came from,
All I need to do is stick out
My hand
And the landscape of this place
Will come flooding back.
All of the hills that I’ve climbed
And the forests I’ve wandered through
Will forever mean more to me
Than any place I’ll ever live.

And when I’m gone away from here,
If I’m ever homesick
I need only close my eyes
And I’ll travel back to the
Only place that’s ever felt right.
Back on the roads I know
Like the back of my hand.
I could trace the topography
In my mind and I know every line.

But I don’t need to worry about
Forgetting or getting homesick
Because home is where the heart is,
So mine will always be with me
Everywhere I go.