i am at the intersection of eloquence and impotence
and i fell fractionally in love tonight
with a stranger that intimated me knowingly
and in little moments they gave me bits of soul
as i presented mine in coffee spooned drops
when a stare is a venture
when a stare is a hazard
when a stare is a question
and the candlelight flutters shadows as heartbeats
and my universe is disturbed

i am hemmingway in my writing
Ernest thoroughly albeit lost
i am writing about a love i know not
i am writing about a style i know not

whittle and whittle and whittle and whittle
no bard can i apprentice no stream can i harness
coming upon a chrysalis i am
your damnation yokes damningly upon me

alien, unknown this domain i yearn
puncture and disrupt my mantra you must

A name in my thoughts
Reminds when I want forgot
I wish it were more

your salty flesh on my *****-laden tongue
scent dancing the pulsing warmth
midst shoulder and jaw
hitch-ed exhales punctuate
my expeditious mouth
tongue dripped flesh on wave crested hips
delight delight
delight

tell me if you are hurting
and I will do my best for you
tell me if you are hurting
and I will stand helpless for you
tell me if you are hurting and I will try and try and try for you
I am yours to bear all
I want to bear all for you
I cannot help you and you are hurting
tell me if you are hurting
and I will be for you.

i want to watch the snow fall with you.
i want to hear the wind howl with you.
i want to hear my heartbeat with yours.

no one deserves to be beat down
so low
that they feel they can't go lower
and then even lower than that

of course some people need to be beat down
but not so beat that there is no other recourse
because lower than low is the lowest low can go
so elevate
elevate like me
elevate and be free

I'm scared to say
I love you
But so easy I say
I hate you

My hate predominates my love
But the other way around is how I
Want to live
To love and love and be in love

But there's an unexpected permanence
To love but not hate
And that prevents my love
From conquering my hate

I want to love more than I hate
But it's easier to hate than love
I don't know

you answer my love like it's a test
as you tilt your head and deliberate
and pick words so slow and discard the rest
and I pry and pray and calculate
the math-o-manic inputs for your robot ears
for your robot mouth to soothe my fears
and your wide eyed confusion
as tears line my face a canyon
your dark eyed stare puts me on knees
to your imperious posture I plead

i sat these stones and thought new love in the summer
i sit these stones and think old love in the winter

Shakespeare's speech looms an expectant teacher
for my profound profusings on nature
in the colors regal in sunshine in heat
in the drab in the cold in damp so deep

declare! declare! dying Life implores
tell me of love tell me you know
give me your blood, tell me and show

there's no offering for this garden I bring
no tribute of the sort fit for a king
to think love is a lifelong thing

my haphazard clutter of books
stacked and stumbled in a cacophony of to read, and have reads
with a chic clique of am readings tittering through
my careworn spines and eagerly wrenched pages
and stiff backed unbent sentries
concealing tearful tomorrows or paper expanses of doldrums

I cannot be you.
I cannot be you and I cannot see you.
and I cannot see you so I must not know you.
But I want.
So, I try.

I stretch strenuous style
I attempt, un-content, not this station, not yet.
I can idolize I can fraternize I can hypothesize, but I can't empathize.

And it makes me mad.
So I try to be you
And i make one million miles a try
Just to make one for my-
self to grow and understand
but to be rigid and to stand
up for myself and not be swept adrift
to vie fora power I surrender to
unsinkable I strive.
I cannot be you but I'll do my damnedest to try.

my jumbled bumbles stumble forwards
I fumble, crumble, mumble at a loss for words
help me, I can't even utter two words
you are the culmination I want to walk towards

twice - nice, thrice, and then four - more more more
life is a dice roll, adore, adore, adore

I am the clumsy inept writer
Stringing iamb into iamb hoping to find out what I am
monitor glow and a news feed to keep me out of focus
poor routines and bad basics to make me nervous

So I fumble, stumble, and crumble. Stop.
I mumble and bumble in jumbles. Steady.
Pick it up: one word, two words, three, then forwards

Shanghai heartbeats human with tumbling turning tiny vessels
it's unbridled chaotic transient transforms envisioned
it's growth and growth irreverent and growth
it's powerful it's frightening it's discordant, it's magnificent

London thrums an overabundance plant bloom on stone crag
ancient, munificent, and sublimely regal it demands
attention, respect, awe and provides plenty justifications
there is an atmosphere I find here where my words fail

Tokyo I find harmonic in its essence,
thrumming and bustling in true city fashion,
yet pocked thoroughly with havens of solace
the quaints and the quicks sprawled out in unity

New York is The City as all other cities are
and it is a cornucopia of cornucopias
as the empirical standard stands tall
densely upwards densely broad ways

Seattle dours in my beloved gloom
spackling stupendous summers in between
gray months incredible
the elements arrive in a conglomerate here

lately lounging lazily
lavish luxuriant lull
loosely leaning leftwards
lightly lilting lyrics
languorous lively locals
LOVELY

take me
neuron by neuron
and rearrange me
every single nerve in some other place
a totality of discombobulation
render me such with a gaze
and let me babble my mind into the void
i am neurochemistry afire
i am alight
i am activated
and i am completely lost
bamboozled
delighted
by you

you are the one that I keep
to say the things I dare not speak
I dare not speak my fear of words so weighted
To place burden heavily on those who listen
those who listen as unwitting

and I'm scared and I fear the rejection of me
because what I am and what I aim are not the same
so I'm scared to say and what I do is
write. I write circular and call it stylistic
I write obfuscations and complications
verbal rotations, slanted off rhymes
phrases and incompletes
pieces and pieces of me
because a one line yes a one line plain
would mean I could no longer hide.

so here you are, the one I keep
to say the things I dare not speak

hippic haptic, hearty and hale
hear her song sing in the vale
spindling sparkling soul and sound
see splendor doth dance around

feline flying fair and fierce
feel fate's nose nudge you close
nearer, nearer nascent necessity
never newer love leaps to be

when it comes time you must
    leap

and landing doesn't matter
because once you
    leap


you've already started
and it's momentum
and it's discipline
and it's waking up every day
to
        leap


even further
to do the thing
because the only way to do the thing is
                                        to leap



do the thing.

cursed sun
how dare you ruin my fun
now that winter is done
and spring has begun
i think i may be the only one
cursed sun

she is sunshine beaming brightly
like stubborn lights that refuse to darken
like her skin sun kissed and mediterranean
like her song bird voice scintillating symphonic
and her spectrum she dons likely like light dressed
and the marvel her figure statuesque and stupendous
and the way she commands with implied demand
and the way she ponders athenian mind
and how she giggles unbound, alight
and she is my loss for words
and she is incredible
and, and, and
and wow

strained, tympanic
idling, to a panic
urged internally
yet stuck eternally
due date for a do date

Put on a smile when no one else can. Put on a smile so that no one else has to
Fake that they're shattered fake that they're lost
Fake that they don't know where to take the next step
Put on a smile to take the ire of those who question
How happy you are and how sad you should
Put on a smile to make it real
Because convince yourself a fallacy
It becomes reality

i
am
thinking of nothing
and you ask me

what
i
am
thinking about?

i am thinking about how nice it is to be thinking about nothing with you

my midnight dancer does gyre and gimble
stretch compress absent duress
twist and turn and turn and then again
midnight dancer through leaps and bounds
it's mesmerizing joy carefree set free
unbound midnight dancer goes forward
unbound midnight dancer ambles
limbs flung out then twisting in
alone midnight dancer alone tonight
alone midnight dancer takes flight

into dreams unabashed into fantasies shamelessly thought
a spin and a turn midnight dancer spectral ephemeral continuance

****.

i don't care about your words the syllables you slap 'heinous' 'detestable' 'horrible'. despicable.

****.

i am tempestuous i am raw i am pure i am unfiltered. it is waves it is motion i am overcome i am numb

****.

you can't have my pain. you can't give me pity.
im holding this tight im feeling it all. i am ice burning fire within

****. ****. ****.

i shouldnt feel this way i cant feel this way why do i feel this way. questioning why i feel. please let me stop
****.
i tumble and stumble i dont want to be known i want to scream and i am screaming.
****.
i am angry at nothing and i am angry for anger i rage and rage against the light that is dead.
****.
it's squeezing me it's pressure it's pulling me it's strain i must forget but i never want to not remember.
****.
im exhausted and i want to go to war i want nothing with it i want everything with it.

think. think. think. all i do is think. and it brings pathetic loathing.
****.

you pull me into this. you pull me down. its sunny outside and i detest. bring me gloom bring me mire. bring me storm. bring me fire.
****.

thoughts of things to come and things i am. prayers for end prayers for eternity.

****.

kafka on the shore
shakespeare in the park
the person I adore,
leaves a particular mark

hemmingway on the coast
nietzsche in the peaks
this person is the most
to them doth my embrace reach

anonymous will rage
so that I will turn the page
so my heart speaks
of love it doth teach

here at the beach
as sand passes the glass
my amor in the dark
of you i preach and adore

you sat on the bed barely a foot away from me
the lighting was dim and it was way past any reasonable bedtime
And I just stared at you not believing you were real
And you were so present and so there and absolutely vivacious
And my mind is thinking a thousand thoughts but nothing at all
And there's a half smile on your face
And I can't help but think there's one on mine
So I struggle for something charming to say at three in the morning
and before a sound leaves my lips
yours are on mine
your hand on my face and fingers in my hair
thumb along the jaw
your tongue caressing a soft dance along mine
And my mind is blank with ecstasy
And that moment is timeless as my mind falls into it
This sweet eternity is seconds and minutes
and then I'm looking at your face and your eyes and there is absolutely nothing else
and we're back
and I want
and I want
and I want
Kiss. Kiss.
Pull on my hair, pull me closer. Claim me with your kiss.
And I'm yours with a kiss and we're hands, arms, lips, and breaths
and I'm staring at you and it's the world I see
as it goes with a kiss and a kiss.

i am in madness truly i must bee
buzzing freely in my brain shape of woman
that you do be

i am in madness? if i am then am i?

be lieve and beelieve and believe
be live.

            thoughts scrambled my have you
run through my head pull out my hair

smile on my lips let me gaze on you fair
traipse in a dream traipse in my eye
i am madness let me live let me die let me vie let me and let me

she is beautiful when she is in love
with that smile on her face of hidden meanings
a unspeakable glow that can only signal someone above
eyes that glitter with private dreamings

when wanted and wanting of not but want
the desire flares and surges an aura undetected
granting beauty undescribable
one description of which writers find daunt
ages and years persons attempted
the love she exudes markedly incredible

indeterminable and fantastical
she loves with beauty and grace
that fathomless smile upon her face
beauty of which cannot be placed

HE ASKED ARE YOU SURE
I SAID O'COURSE
THE DAY TO DAY IS SUCH A CHORE
I ASK, NAY I IMPLORE
POUR MORE

chilled lemonade, fresh strawberries and cream
iced out, relaxing, spring in sunbeams
golden moment, timeless dream
the world turns slower, the second pristine
rejoin in the shade under the tree
walk the road home with childish glee
gyre and gimble, play and tease
through wax and wane til summer sun sets beneath
peals to echoes and echoes ceased
tomorrow! tomorrow! oh please, please?
watery melon, juice fresh squeezed
                  cool beans

three planes meet
and the midafternoon light graduates
beige to shade to not quite black
softly syncopated
by the curtain on the window
and if it's inverted in the imagination
suddenly staring at the edge of infinity
straining outwards in every dimension
available to the naked eye

you made black look gold
as the pitch curtains cascade and luster
light that shouldn't gleams onyx shimmer
sheens and glimmer angles manifold
you made black be sunlight
scattering shade ensconed dapples
soft embrasure slowly enamors
black is context airily laid
i love the black that reminds me of velvet
the black that echoes of a heavy blanket falling
the black of warm silences between words
but also the black regal sharpness that demands worship
but also the black night sky that beckons eternity
you make black radiant

as she lies there
sinuous resplendent
idling
light and shade
play radiant on her flesh
gradients
an elbow sinks
into soft bedding
lustfully yielding
as she reclines
skin taut and
scent fresh
a carnal
delight

I think of you when the stars strain against city lights
I think of you with my head cocked back and my drink half full
I'm thinking of you on the road in the spring
When the trees start to flower and my heart starts to beat
To tell me to the contrary that I'm alive today
Today when I think of you and what I didn't do

I think of you on summer nights when the sun's heat sits on earth like your touch on my chest
Burnt heat unceased sprinkled across my heart
I think of you when the foul weather turns me inward
Everything I've done wrong and what's going onward

You're all the mistakes I should never have made
You're the last thing to go when my memories fade

I am not going to cry
Because I feel sad, helpless, alone and it is the first day of middle school
I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears from flowing
I ball my fists to stop my breathing from shaking
I will not cry right here
I am not gonna cry
Because I messed up, I made a mistake, and I'm so lost and don't know what to do next
I stop, breathe deep, and calm the histrionics
I close my eyes and withdraw from the world for a beat
I will not cry right here
I'm not gonna cry
Because I'm nervous, anxious, and away from home for the first time
I stand up straight and go through the motions
I breathe deep, shut eyes, take a beat
I won't cry right here
i won't cry
because i'm needed, because i'm strongest, because i'm reliable
stand, breathe, pause, go.
smile, breathe, comfort, breathe, go.
help, care, brave, go.
(there will be time to breathe later)
do, and go and do and go.
breathe. breathe. breathe?
i can't cry
i squeeze my eyes to give it a try
i curl into a ball and they remain dry

I don't remember the last time you said "I love you"
The last time those words left your lips
    singing softly to my ears I do I do I do
I do love you

I don't remember the last time you smiled for me
The last time your eyes crinkled gleefully
I don't remember the last things you said to me
That too has left me only memory of memory

I don't remember when I started
    to feel so barren
When that first empty settled where you were
Where I was okay when you left

This is the last, my last time I remember you

staring at the people in the nexus of transition
some are walking, jogging,
or dragging their bits and pieces behind them
lumping and ******* across linoleum seams with a clatter
and blitzing along on a travelator
any two of them heading to or coming from a different location
where you're bound and how fast you need to go
or are you right where you need to be
or you're content just going nice and slow
it's microcosmic I see

I took my old rickety-rackety down to the 38th annual Jickety Jackety
I glimpsed a flit of Thilts, purring Brazkets in a row
    a couple of Thrice Heim'ed Tippens
        and even one thundering Lugubrious Quandry
but mine was the only rackety that day at the Jickety Jackety

circuited with spection and plick-placked with aghast
did trundle my rickety-rackety with nary a quinkle
    "Welcome to the 38th annual Jickety Jackety", trumpeted the Sonorator
        "we eagerly await the clinking of clonks, the unexpected wabeling, and the ever hazardous finale"
    "a grand spectacle, a cacophonous din,"
    "shall the Jickety Jackety begin!"

a clamor strode through the spectators and washed over the contenders
as tension undid and knotted brows
    stitching and sewing a slurry and tangle

did dribble-thrash the Brazkets at the first note of "-in!"
on surged the Thraggonks not to be out done
        as my rickety-rackety gave a confident thitter-thatter
    and did dance onwards midst a flock of Thilts
        and my rickety-rackety chortled with patter
    firmly did lumber the Lugubrious Quandry
        each motion a thunder, it proceeded grandly
the chitter and natter as the crowds ribboned and tattered
the slither stomp wander of contenders contested
the sun ran slipshod down to the horizon
as Sonorator sang close the end of the the 38th

that day I went down to the Jickety Jackety
me and my rickety-rackety

whiskey whisk me
away, find a way to
tryst me risk-ly.
whiskey whisk me
to a day, not today

I squeeze the sodden rags of my psyche for the last droplets to wet my parched mental
I cast my gaze left and right
frantically searching for the thief of my words
the giggling cackling vicious
snatches thoughts from my cradle
whisking them to never
and my thief her sister
whispers to me that there was nothing stolen at all
that this absence has always been there
and the many many messengers
had always the wrong addresses
my missives go to nil
they were not packaged and shipped
they were not stolen
they were not

Bo walks with me
his dark eyes hold a spark
the flicker of a candle in a pool of oil
his black gilt cane grasped with a firm jeweled hand
the thief and her sister in the corners of my vision
always so while I turn my head
amidst the deep green wood
where my dear Bo walks beside me

scotch and my self slouched on the couch
scotch and my self adrift in mental aether
islets of existence bubble on liquored eddies upward
as I meander through being

stay seated with me o' psyche of mine
stay sated with me ambition of mine
stay your acidic drivings esteem of mine
stay your laced dirge contempt of mine

and just be scotch and me
regally languid howsoever I sit
my seat is then throne for I upon
amber emperor embarking on omniscience

i am unreasonable and afraid
unreasonable because i want someone to understand me
and i am so afraid of opening myself up to be understood
so i am unreasonable and afraid
and i give myself out in teeny tiny bits to people
in minuscule amounts just to feel an inkling of what i want to feel
like a weaning addict
on emotional connection
i sit behind my walls wailing
because i am unreasonable and afraid

Frost's fingers tenderly twine mine
his breath blithely flutters across my lips
dastardly dancing touches tousle hair with abandon
once, twice, thrice and he has me trembling
Frost's kisses settle upon my cheeks blushing
he dips icy hot dapples lingering longingly
lightly lilting leavings bidding me bashful
im wrapped, i gasp, at last, at last

syncopate a sentence succinctly
take that thought and
slice and serrate across lines
synth steady and stolid syntax
stitch surrealism to sanity symphonically
scatter sadness, sow sunny spirit
slather language with excess
dole diction in dearth
depose dialectical dogma
dredge dreary dreams and not so drearies
foment formidably
froth and fracture finalities
syllogise spectacular speculation
simplify abtruse abnormalities
whet words wonderfully

i am waiting for someone to come get their clothes from the dryer
i am waiting for the laundry machine to open up
it cycles
    every
        thirty
            seconds
and then stops

a daybreak's worth of beeping chirps
i am waiting for someone to come get their clothes from the dryer

as my wet washed clothes begin to get drier
as my patience begins to dry up
i am waiting for the laundry machine to open up
it cycles
    every
         thirty
                 seconds
and then stops

i am floating through surreal
a dreaming waking moment
and this tumult i feel
goes on without end

i am pinned by reality like an insect on a board
a specimen pierced through guns spilling outward
i am plagued by inaction, hesitation and lost
i know what i need to do, i know what i must

but i question i hem, i haw
im not sure how to go about this at all
i am impotent unable and too scared to fall
i am gasping with nerves rubbed raw

i must i must i must there is action to be done
this surreality i carry with me for now until the end
to forget this would be to lose myself
its a way i've grown that i never wanted to.

thank you for being the you that you were
from the me that needed the you that you were
and if the you that you are is not the you that you were
the me that I am still has that heartfelt gratitude
for being the person that made me a better person
and I could wax onwards and upwards
using simile and synechdoche
to praise and emphasize the profundity of your influence
but I find what befits my personality more
is a humble and sombering thank you

Ive never had to deal with grief before
And now that I have to I don't know
I'm not ready, I don't doubt that anyone is, I'm not old enough, I don't doubt that anyone is
I don't expect it. I can't do that. So I'm dealing as best I can
And I'm screaming that I don't know how