i am floating through surreal
a dreaming waking moment
and this tumult i feel
goes on without end

i am pinned by reality like an insect on a board
a specimen pierced through guns spilling outward
i am plagued by inaction, hesitation and lost
i know what i need to do, i know what i must

but i question i hem, i haw
im not sure how to go about this at all
i am impotent unable and too scared to fall
i am gasping with nerves rubbed raw

i must i must i must there is action to be done
this surreality i carry with me for now until the end
to forget this would be to lose myself
its a way i've grown that i never wanted to.

Ive never had to deal with grief before
And now that I have to I don't know
I'm not ready, I don't doubt that anyone is, I'm not old enough, I don't doubt that anyone is
I don't expect it. I can't do that. So I'm dealing as best I can
And I'm screaming that I don't know how

the woman on the floor
blood pooling like spilled wine
the boy clutching his shoulder
the miserables scampering for the door
the pragmatics losses left in their own fluids
my light is darkness in heart

Put on a smile when no one else can. Put on a smile so that no one else has to
Fake that they're shattered fake that they're lost
Fake that they don't know where to take the next step
Put on a smile to take the ire of those who question
How happy you are and how sad you should
Put on a smile to make it real
Because convince yourself a fallacy
It becomes reality

****.

i don't care about your words the syllables you slap 'heinous' 'detestable' 'horrible'. despicable.

****.

i am tempestuous i am raw i am pure i am unfiltered. it is waves it is motion i am overcome i am numb

****.

you can't have my pain. you can't give me pity.
im holding this tight im feeling it all. i am ice burning fire within

****. ****. ****.

i shouldnt feel this way i cant feel this way why do i feel this way. questioning why i feel. please let me stop
****.
i tumble and stumble i dont want to be known i want to scream and i am screaming.
****.
i am angry at nothing and i am angry for anger i rage and rage against the light that is dead.
****.
it's squeezing me it's pressure it's pulling me it's strain i must forget but i never want to not remember.
****.
im exhausted and i want to go to war i want nothing with it i want everything with it.

think. think. think. all i do is think. and it brings pathetic loathing.
****.

you pull me into this. you pull me down. its sunny outside and i detest. bring me gloom bring me mire. bring me storm. bring me fire.
****.

thoughts of things to come and things i am. prayers for end prayers for eternity.

****.

she is beautiful when she is in love
with that smile on her face of hidden meanings
a unspeakable glow that can only signal someone above
eyes that glitter with private dreamings

when wanted and wanting of not but want
the desire flares and surges an aura undetected
granting beauty undescribable
one description of which writers find daunt
ages and years persons attempted
the love she exudes markedly incredible

indeterminable and fantastical
she loves with beauty and grace
that fathomless smile upon her face
beauty of which cannot be placed

I don't remember the last time you said "I love you"
The last time those words left your lips
    singing softly to my ears I do I do I do
I do love you

I don't remember the last time you smiled for me
The last time your eyes crinkled gleefully
I don't remember the last things you said to me
That too has left me only memory of memory

I don't remember when I started
    to feel so barren
When that first empty settled where you were
Where I was okay when you left

This is the last, my last time I remember you

you are the one that I keep
to say the things I dare not speak
I dare not speak my fear of words so weighted
To place burden heavily on those who listen
those who listen as unwitting

and I'm scared and I fear the rejection of me
because what I am and what I aim are not the same
so I'm scared to say and what I do is
write. I write circular and call it stylistic
I write obfuscations and complications
verbal rotations, slanted off rhymes
phrases and incompletes
pieces and pieces of me
because a one line yes a one line plain
would mean I could no longer hide.

so here you are, the one I keep
to say the things I dare not speak

my midnight dancer does gyre and gimble
stretch compress absent duress
twist and turn and turn and then again
midnight dancer through leaps and bounds
it's mesmerizing joy carefree set free
unbound midnight dancer goes forward
unbound midnight dancer ambles
limbs flung out then twisting in
alone midnight dancer alone tonight
alone midnight dancer takes flight

into dreams unabashed into fantasies shamelessly thought
a spin and a turn midnight dancer spectral ephemeral continuance

machine oil sky fade to black
blue white blue green yellow orange red brown
machine oil sky spectrum spectacle spread colors dripping downwards
soporifims sprinkle heavily

dream curls the mind
the ephemeral feeling like 'this is all there is'
spectre trees stand splitting
machine oil sky change time and
slip sunsetting tonight

hazy mind laying on high
dancing in machine oil sky
coalesce splendid waltz the cathedral
enervate a dreams vision breathing upheaval

gazing awestruck wonderous eyes
dazzled in machine oil sky
it is a tea filter tinting scatter light
machine oil sky what a sight

machine oil sky downwards darker now
machine oil sky begins to die
forever gone until tomorrow again
goodbye for now machine oil sky

see the vibrant blues and limpid greens
he goes to the doorway stepping through with purpose
he goes to the doorway returning with not
he goes to the doorway once more with resolve
he goes to the doorway back, aspirations dissolved

see the vibrant blues and limpid greens
see smiling faces sweat lined achievement
see climbing achievement
people come and people go
atop mountains across oceans

he sets the stone as she sets four
he sets the stone as he sets more
he sets the stone they've all set some
he sets the stone where've they all gone

to the next on greeener greens more stones and stones
setting and moving and setting and moving

see the vibrant blues and limpid greens
the red number shoes what you have missed
sitting staring saying this is us and this is you
see how we have done and done
as he goes to the doorway
and he goes to the doorway

"I am here! I am here!" he cries
"I am ****** to these coffee spoons" he laments
and the spoons do not respond
as he goes to the doorway

we go then he and I
for me and he must begin again
I step through the doorway as I must with he
I step through the doorway
I step through the doorway the second time
I step through the doorway

there is purpose to find there is a step to take
I am aetherized I am hypnotized
how my days stretch on
but langour and lavish is needed required
because my actions desire much trough
between peaks of vibrant blues and limpid greens

My coffee spoon I take with glee
to drag purposeful from within is extraction unclean
gain love by coffee spoons

I am an idiot when I see you
Oh how I drivel and babble

My thoughts scatter I'm not alright
I plan some words and plan awry
Train of thought spiral into daydream
Making sure I say what I mean
to say. Because my word I chose
I'm one bizarre
muse

I am an idiot when I hear you
Sonorous and soft sense
Blast I've become too tense
Dismantle me with words
Ones that yearn to be
heard

I am an idiot when I touch you
See how I tremble

Hands touch too tender
Hands touch too excessive
I feel I may be oppressive
I dance fingers with wonder

I am an idiot when I think you
One giant fantastic

Simple things odd things
Honestly anything
It comes to mind
And I turn to find
That I am much too silly

An idiot is what you do to me.

How do you look sad?
Is it like this or like that
Is it more of a frown or all in the eyes
Water and down cast brow furrowed up top?

I've never seen anyone sad
That's all I can say
So back to the question
How do you look sad?

It's not something you see
On a day to day
Sad people don't exist that I must say
Sad is on the inside it's internal to all

How do you look sad?

Some times it's time
to slow it all stop
to skip the caps lock
displace the top
and split scatter spread
disengage and dispense
Of Rigidity Of Terms and Terse Condition

break down and break down
     collapse and crumble
          splinter and scramble

Dust to dust over again
That's where it goes that's where it ends

He sits in his chair
Unentertained and lax
He sits in his chair in his sterile room
Read the writing on the wall and see it all soon

Time to go.

Hello how are you?

I'm doing okay.
I'm doing okay what can I say.
I'm doing okay as okay can be
I'm not sad I'm not glad
I'm just doing okay.

And that's honestly quite nice
To be middle of the road
No peaks no valleys just a plateau

I'm doing okay and that's where I'm at

Everyone's perfect, that I can see.
Everyone's perfect, why can't I be.

Well I'm beaten and broken on the inside
Well I'm looking for a someone to confide

Everyone's perfect everyone's bright
Everyone's perfect look at my plight

Well I'm hoping I'm looking for a good friend
Well I'm hoping I'm trying to stave off the end

Everyone's perfect don't you dare tell me that
Everyone's perfect don't you dare tell me that
Everyone's perfect don't you dare tell me that
Everyone's perfect what do I lack.

gold rain floats softly
gold rain descends with omen
gold rain settles quietly
gold rain burns

gold rain poxes the mind
gold rain poxes the eyes
gold rain dusts
set aflame

there's an over saturation of bad and mean
at least from what I see of the world it seems
it's hard to love when all you encounter is hate
and I see so many people who feel the same

this one time in school there was a quote I read
"be the change you wish to see in the world" it said
and it wasn't immediate but epiphany did eventually occur
and I came across a solution to all the complaints for
It occurs to me that to see good people
I have to be good people
So I've been trying to live my life by that

serendipity
approach quickly
serendipity
expect judiciously
serendipity
a windfall so salubriously
aimless
meander amiss
nonsensical bliss
stop, look, create a twist
proceed the trick so-kissed
and then split

here and there,
so unclear
tremble waver
ambiguate and ennervate
then invigorate
postulate and cultivate
innovate to a stumble
a bumble, a fumble
frustrate with a grumble
expectations crumble
emerge humble

continue
anew
hem and hew
at crafting mental brew
give the brain something to chew
most of all, do.

It's too easy to be cruel
To break hearts with words
Render aspirations asunder

It's far too easy to be mean
To ridicule and insignify
Reduce to a modicum

It's even easier to not care
to stop and stare
To see and here yet move no where

Over come with apathy
Succumb to lethargy
It's very easy

Whatever I do it isn't enough
It isn't enough to stop when tired
It isn't enough to stop when the task is done
It isn't enough, not hardly enough at all.

There is a need to ascend, and then
There is a need to go even further beyond

Because the stopping point for today isn't the peak
It's the first step of a taller mount
And whatever I do I can always do more

Because once it's enough and I stop I've failed
Because once it's enough and I finish I've lost
what could have been had I just moved forward
that one more step.

Whatever I do it's never enough.
It'll do me good to remember this

poetry is easy because
my thoughts which are so fragmented
i can lay them on paper
and fragmented is no longer
conjoined by stanza and meter
poetry creates thought
out of concated neural signals
and it makes sense
it's so much easier than writing

which is like squeezing the juice out of a dry lemon
or something
of incredible effort and herculean force
writing requires
direction and focus and foresight
far beyond what i can provide

and poetry i jsut ramble and it becomes
an art form i am ok with and i just spit
and it's great and free

where as when i write i am constrained
by second guessing and creative loathing

poetry is easy.

the heart is a mariner lost at sea
lost, forlorn looking for land for he
floats through currents eddies and flows
living and looking where the ocean goes

the heart bobs along with loves thirst to slake
search for the one hearts feelings will take
heart hopes and heart dreams
despite all that seems

i am here with the secrets that i keep
the things that i hide oh so deep
because a secret isn't a secret once it's told
and i dearly do have secrets i hold

they tell you don't be too this
don't be too that
tell you to jump at the drop of a hat
tell you when, tell you how
tell you do it, do it now

they tell you don't be too that
don't be too this
surely, surely something is amiss
tell you it's wrong, that it's excess
say to sit tight and they'll do the rest

But that's no way to live
to sit on laurels and only be give-n
rules and directives
make me scream invectives

drink deeply the life drink of greed
do this too that, do that too this

sometimes I get lonely
and in my loneliness i get this feeling of woe
its time for me to remember that loneliness is just an emote
and sometimes i'll feel happy and sometimes i'll feel lonely
because feelings come and feelings go
but what i do because of them remains.
so when i'm feeling lonely i'll do something great
and when i'm feeling happy i'll do something great
because in the end what i do will be something great.

detatch
and remove the
emotion and pathos
from the poem.
and put into logos everything
"the author wrote this because of that"
in simple cause and effect.
Detatch because apathy conveyed
comes clinical, clerical cold.
Passion conveyed comes
heated
detatch
prove the pragmatic practicals provide
as emotions can

it's time
to try to win
again because
the climb, the road
it doesn't end.
and when
you hit
your personal peak
you look upwards and onwards
and aim higher
because the worst thing
you can do for your self is to
be content with where you are
so once again
its time
to begin again

I'm having troubles with myself.

    I'm having trouble with the way I think about things in the world
    And it's like I lack scope, I lack vision.
    because there's so many things that I should consider.
    I't s like I'm stepping on eggs every time.

It's troubling to me. That I want to be so considerate
but not lose my sense of identity.

So I'm having troubles with myself.
    And perhaps I'm very poor at wording what I want to say.
    And perhaps I'm not entirely sure what I want to say at all.
    But I'm constantly chastising myself for being so self absorbed.

    It's vascilatory. How I am. In the end, I just feel this unease
    And I don't know how to resolve it.
    It's all a matter of appreciating things more.
    And I think, as I write my introspection I can see that my troubles
    Arise when I have this dissonance

Between the need(?) to appreciate the things around me and
My emotions which I'm having. And I'm trying to understand myself
While I try to understand the world around me. So it's a bit contradictory I know
And it's a contradiction I try not to show.
But it's there and I'm thinking this is me getting more mature.

Minor bores inside the earth
Cracks splits rising upwards
Witness to cataclysm's birth
Fissures chasms and fiends within
Fire rise higher incite the ire
Demons and gremlins of which the horned one sires
That's it that's all. There's nothing to fear.
The fires and screams are myths of yesteryear

Cold room hard eyes
The man in black steps in to meet his demise
Bold step eyes bright
Tenuous facade to hide his fright

Warm room soft eyes
The man in black returns to life
Bold step eyes bright
Eager, can't contain his delight

Man in black o' man in black
Go to your death with a straight back

Just a man I'm just a man
I can't do much but I do what I can

Man in black dares man in black labors
Man in black slaves under the glares
Bright lights low moans
Stooped backs life loaned

Come home man in black
Come in and relax
Your life you no longer give
Man in black now you live

yesterday i realised i missed you.
yesterday i found out i was lost


hey its been forever and a day.
and i haven't talked to you.
seen you. heard your voice.
so i miss you.

i miss the way we laugh carefree
i miss the way we were best friends
i miss that pride i had for knowing you
i miss knowing what you're doing
i miss telling you what i'm doing.

i miss the way my feelings and truths bled free
mouth stumbling carelessly
i miss who i am when i talk to you.
i miss your camaraderie

and its not like im terribly broken up
although if it brought you to me i would be
and that's incredibly greedy of me.


because i want to believe that you and me
are the best of friends and will always be
because im scared that one day it'll be awkward for me to say hi
and i'm going to fight against that feeling
because i miss you.

I have a window and you have one too
Mine is right here for you to see through
I have a window it tells you what I am
Mine I like because it shows what I can
be if I try, be if I'm great
What I can do if I'm not too afraid
to try and fail to try and not blush
do what I can and never in a rush

I have a window here it lets me see me
mine is the way by which I can be.

I am just a boy
desperate to be my best
trying trying to improve

Play it cool because it's uncouth to emote
Play it cool because I can't put words on how I feel

Play it cool because I'm scared it's unjustified.
Play it cool because I'm not sure how to feel

Play it cool because any other option is terrifying
Play it cool because I don't know if I'm overreacting

im trying and im trying and im trying.
And that's the best I can do.

And one day I'll try enough
and that's when I'll show you.

Because I don't believe in myself yet.
Because I want to be proud of myself soon.
So I'm trying and I'm trying.
And I say I'm trying for you,

But I'm trying for me too.

This is where the bench begins
four feet inward from the sidewalk curb
weather torn iron cast legs
corrugated wood spans.

cold fingers dance along
trembling touching tantalizing
it's icy and it's stark and the grey dull bench
is.

Clouds dance greys in a sea under a sea
exploring shades of monotone passing photons downwards
and the cold air ushers a low howl: dead winter has arrived

i dont dare disturb you
    because i do dont know you
    because it wouldnt be proper
i dont dare disturb you
because chip tip and slip i go
and i go as you go
so i dare not disturb you

and i try i try i do i do
and i dare not disturb you

don't be afraid
    to bleed brains on paper
    to plead pains unwavered
string sounds slowly
string sounds quickly
do so daringly
rhyme no caringly
    do not balk upon the blind eyed judge judging unwonted
    spray inky gouts
dare defy doubt