everything around me is falling apart
but i'm okay and all i want is to talk to you

find me in my bedroom
asleep on sheets sanguine maroon
worry not, I intend to wake up soon
curtains drawn against the light intent to preserve the gloom

see you tomorrow after a long day
not knowing that's the last thing you'll say
for I do not intend to stay
see me tomorrow it will be a long day

hi, if you're trying to reach me i'm not available at the moment
these feelings I'm feeling simply just won't end
I'm too stubborn to help, to convinced I won't bend
and then I break

so let us go then you and I
when the morning begins to peak out that twilight sky
I've gone ahead I fear,
maybe I'll see you in a few years

rain on my window
good whiskey in my insides
sad songs in my ears

if i convince myself that being with you will make me happy,
will that make me happy?
if i trick myself into feeling good
will i end up feeling good?
if i smile and lie to myself that i'm doing fine
will i start being fine?

because "this is good for me", I say
and my litany becomes my reality
and my new neuroses become nevermore
because this is good for me

if i drown myself in loneliness
will that it make me lonely
if i plague myself with inadequacy
will that it make me inadequate
if i flay myself with hatred
will that it make me hated

because "this is good for me", I say
as the carrot is replaced with stick
and my nevermore neuroses begin anew
because this is good for me

fill your heart with the love that you deserve
drink deeply your happiness birthright
trace with fingers, map her body's every curve
and flushed skin setting afire your every nerve
eyes so filled with each other, the only thing in sight
heart pumping, warm blood, lips gently graze
eyes aglitter as the cosmos in twilight
heartbeat athunder with tremulous delight
idle days lounging, loving laze
a love eternal to preserve
stunned endorphin induced craze
fire starter set your heart ablaze

i am unreasonable and afraid
unreasonable because i want someone to understand me
and i am so afraid of opening myself up to be understood
so i am unreasonable and afraid
and i give myself out in teeny tiny bits to people
in minuscule amounts just to feel an inkling of what i want to feel
like a weaning addict
on emotional connection
i sit behind my walls wailing
because i am unreasonable and afraid

it's time to be relentlessly open with myself
it's time to put my well thought thoughts into stylized writing
i want to bluntly talk about me
and this turmoil of feelings that i sit with
a turmoil of unorganizedness not of despair or distress
but more like something always roils to my psyche's surface
and i ponder it for a bit before it's stirred and turned into something else
and i'm scared of losing those thoughts because i'm quite proud of them
and how they constitute the person I am and the person I am trying to be
and so i'm writing them down.

how's that for a preamble?

starting at the top and first are bonds
i want to be the someone for my friends
i dont have the someone that i can reach out to or that reaches out to me
and that's okay
but i understand how alone i feel sometimes
but i can deal with it
but i am not everyone
i'm not boasting im not exceptional
but i understand how **** this feels sometimes so i want to be that someone for everyone
so that they dont have to feel this way alone
and maybe that makes me bold or prying or nosy but i'd rather
be lamblasted than too callous
and i'm so ******* awkward
and i don't know much about much
so be patient with me