She's hurting and broken because her real mother sold her to a complete stranger. A complete stranger who took her in and loved her like her own. She continues to indulge in the pain while her children watch. For years I watched her cry over her biological mother leaving her and how that pain caused her to make some bad decisions, but there I stood willing to love and forgive her. I wanted to show her she was worthy. She didn't seem to be interested in my love. She let me watch while her boyfriend'***** her, she watched me fight them for her. Me a child. I was six when it last happened. She let me watch her as she passed out drunk on the floor and cried. She cried because her mother left her and I cry because my mother won't let me go. I am twenty-two now, I had faith it'd get better. After all these years I am still willing to love her. My mother loves me, I think, but she won't let me go. She won't let me escape the trauma. It seems like she enjoys triggering me at this point.  I've told her how she's caused me pain and trauma but I've never told her how when I become a mother, she will be my example of what not to be. Life took my father, but the alcohol took my mother and I won't be getting either back.

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

"**** yourself."
"the pain will be gone."
"this feeling will end."
"just do it."
"grab the pills."
"that tree looks nice."
"I wonder how fast this car can go."
"just take your seatbelt off."
"don't look back."

hearing these voices in my head, I wonder, "the world must want me dead."
but it's not that simple.
these voices tell me to do it.
take the pain away.
at times it sounds compelling.
but no, I want to be here.
this ongoing battle in my head.
will it be the end of me?

"**** yourself."
"the pain will be gone."
"this feeling will end."
"just do it."
"grab the pills."
"that tree looks nice."
"I wonder how fast this car can go."
"just take your seatbelt off."
"don't look back."

I sit here wondering what's next.
At times I don't know if I'm wasting my time.
Or if I'm entering a journey that will change my life.
After all, we are always one decision away from a different life.

The thing is I don't miss you.
I just miss a body that kept me warm with their hugs.
Lips that could kiss me gently.
One to share laughs with.
It was never about who you, but more about the company provided.
Company anyone is able to provide.
You were just a warm body to me.

you wrap me in
you make me feel safe
you show me love
you make me feel happy
and when i least expect it
you break me
and then you leave me here to pick up the pieces all on my own
i guess you can say i never really needed you

people claim to love me.
every day they remind me that I am loved.
so why is it that those people are willing to risk losing me?
was it ever love?
or did I just make you feel comfortable with yourself?

i remember telling you about all the girls who used my vulnerabilities against me.
you said I didn't deserve the betrayal.
so tell me why are you doing the same?

and in a way, you are everything you warned me to stay away from.

“Deportaron a tu papá, mija. No sabemos en donde está”
10 simple words that broke my heart to pieces.
I was only seven when my father was taken from my life.
I was only seven and I wondered “where could he be?”
At the age of eight, I wondered “will he ever come back?”
At the age of ten, I started to wonder if he had even survived the streets in Mexico.
At the age of thirteen, I made a Facebook. Searched his name
Chilango
Manuel Miranda
Manuel Olguín
Manuel Miranda Olguín
And nothing
At the age of fifteen, I emailed people who were famous for finding people in Mexico.
“Laura Bozzo mi padre fue deportado y no lo hemos podido encontrar”
I never lost hope. I thought that with everything else going on in my life, that I deserved to find him. I thought to myself “life owes me that at least”
At the age of nineteen, I woke up to a message on Facebook.
“Hey it’s your tia Chely from your father's side, let’s meet up but don’t tell your mom”
Chely? My father didn’t have a family. It was only him and I.
But then I stopped asking who this person could be.
Did he find me? Did he find ME? Is this real? I’m finally going to see him. I’m going to tell him how much I’ve missed him.
Chely messages again “call me”
At the time I had put my mom on three-way call to see if she recognized her voice.
My heart is bursting out of my body
My hands are shaking and my stomach dropped.
The phone is ringing.
Chely answers.
Chely talks about my dad
“He never stopped looking for you”
“He always talked about you”
My mom is listening to what she is saying
She messages me “pregúntale porque tu papá no te llamo”
I ask “so if you’re really my aunt, then why doesn’t my dad just call me himself?”
“Well mija, that’s why I’m calling you”
“I just don’t know how to say it”
I knew exactly what she was going to say.
She continues “but this is why I wanted to meet up with you”
She pauses.
“Just say it” I said. Knowing that these next words would cut deep into my heart. “Just. Tell. Me”
“Your father passed away two weeks ago”
Her words start to blur. I didn’t hear much after that.
I could only think about how he could have been at my quinceañera.
How we could have had our father-daughter dance.
He could have seen me walk the stage at graduation.
He could have dropped me off at college when I was moving into my dorm.
We could have shared many memories and I know **** well a ton of laughs because he was the funniest person I had ever met. But it was all over now.
All these possibilities were crushed.
I was crushed.
My whole world was swept from under my feet.
There were no more fairytales of me running towards my dad and jumping into his arms because I had finally found him. It was all.. over.
I guess you can say that when my father died, a piece of me died with him.

and when you feel there is nothing left within you
when you think you're done trying
when you feel like there is nothing more to keep you going
when you fall and hit the kitchen floor because you can't even hold yourself together
when you wait for the cold water to hit your body in hope to stop feeling numb
remember
remember who you are
remember the strength that lies within you
and stand with all your courage

because you, my love
can never be defeated.