I drowned myself in anything that numbed the pain—ran from the tears, lost in a haze of smoke, maybe just wasted, maybe high, maybe both.

Shots after shots, strangers’ hands on my waist, empty kisses that tasted like bad decisions.

Talking nonsense in front of everyone, laughing too loud, dancing like I own the night.

Cut my hair, inked my skin—each mark a reminder that I’m still here.

A little more reckless, a little less soft. The rebel is back. The ***** is untamed.

My head throbs from all the crying—oh, mercy me!

Drenched in heartbreak, drowning in sin, I light another cigarette, take another shot, let another stranger trace their fingers on my skin.

Anything to forget. Anything to feel alive.

The pain is a lullaby, and I'm dancing to its rhythm.

The rebel is back. The ***** is unleashed.

You made me hate this city.

You made me hate you—ooh.

Every street feels haunted, every corner reeks of memories I’m trying to burn.

I walk past the places we once called ours, but now they feel foreign, tainted, ruined.

So I drown in the neon lights, let the music swallow me whole, lose myself in the arms of strangers who don’t even know my name.

Anything to forget. Anything to erase you. The rebel is back. The ***** doesn’t care.

What type of answer would you expect me to give you?— The kind of answer you would like to hear or not.

Why would I give you my name when you are not even interested to know— It was like telling a story you are not ready to hear or an alibi you do not wanna listen to.

why does your blood boil out of haste, my love
Are you mad at me? Are you tired of me?
Or do you even love me?
You did not even bother to look at me.
You can stray me away from you
Brainwash me until I forget how it feels
To bleed while being numb
Just to feel pain
Just to taste the pain of blood
Why have you forsaken me?
Did you regret meeting me?
Make haste, I plead
But never heard.

Ohh, I love the way you **** me
It made me crazy
Tease me until I beg for it
Tease me until I want it

I want you in my bed
Can’t get you out my head
Been imagining things lately
Your seduction consumes me

The hornier I get
I still wanna *******
The more I crave for you
What I see is what I get

I’m that drug you’ll forever take
Until you get so high
Until you overdose
I’m that history you would forever remake

Your addiction in me will make you fly
Until you overdose

I want you to **** me baby
Come closer to me
And be a good boy baby
Now come to me

Gotta press play and hit rewind again
Let’s do the foreplay once again
You are insisting in doing so much more
We both crave so much more

I gotta let you know
I’m so addicted to you
Crazy for you
I just wanna love you

Only you got my wild side
Only you got me this wild
You let my inner me expose
You let my outer me impose

Come with me and close the door
Let's celebrate and live our life
I just want to have a private life
With you, I'll never ask for more

Let’s just keep it low-key
Though these setups never made easy
My whole world revolves again
My whole life started again

What I had with you, with you
I don't want to share it with everyone, pray tell
It’s a secret I’ll never tell
Oh, I just want and need you

What I had with you, with you
I just want to keep it to myself
Let’s keep them guessing
Baby, this feeling ain’t fleeting

No more, no less
I want you all to myself
I don't share you with everyone else
No more, no less

I'm bedbound with you
I ain't going to leave you
I'm never going to leave this bed
Just like the way you never leave my head

We'll make love as if it's always our honeymoon
What I had with you was over the moon
I'll never get tired of loving you
And discovering you

What I had with you is timeless
Whenever I think of You
I smile all the time
You are all I want and need all the time

No more, no less
My love, I love you

Let me take you away
Somewhere far away
Where no one sees us
In a place, where it's just us

Come and hold me closer to you
I just want you all over me
Whisper in all your intentions to me
I promise to never let you go

I heard a lot of ***** about you— the good and the bad
But did you hear a word from me?
Nah., I don't think so.

When I heard rumors about me, did you even defend me?
Did you even protect my name and my honor, my reputation?
Nah. I hardly ever doubted you would do that.

When your mother talk ***** about you
when your father took advantage of you
When your friends bullied you for your status

You gave them everything, that means risking your life as well
When they started talking gibberish about you
I confronted them, brought back the past for the good things you did
There was no such thing as bro code
you told me, "you are all they have"
but how about me in the long run?
I was always there for you, in your darkest times
I was there for you in your darkest nights
But I wonder where were you?

Defense mechanism is ******* for what you did to me
When the world turned its back around you, I was there
When no one else was there
But now, this is how you are gonna pay me?
I just returned the favor, bruh
I wished you well, not in heaven, not on Earth, not in purgatory whether it ceases to exist, but nah
I wished you in hell.

What you repaid me is shame and horror to my reputation
Oh shameless and audacity!
It was never yours to begin with
But you made me do it— you made me do it
You pushed the buttons, you pull the lever to make me feel this high to come pick you up
And fall you down to the ground
Piece by piece, little by little
From cracks to crumble, you are
Just an average egoistic, self-centered immature guy
Asking from affection and attention from his chaotic-minded mother
And alcoholic-narcissistic father, with a squammy frog-looking sidechick, daily hobby
With a ****** up family tree

I defended you, denied what you did, tolerated your ***** and said to them you are not the type to do that.
But I was wrong, I was wrong, indeed

I got kind, yet you abused me
Treated you like king, yet you only saw me as your servant
I was never yours to begin with, you only paid me for my service
Not for my dignity
I only sold my skills and time to you
Not my whole soul
When other people talk back a lot about you

I did not clap back, instead I was in the front row, front seat
Raised my hands and applaud for you
Supported you along the way
But all of it was a scam, a facade
A trap, a rabbit hole I fell into
An abyss, a pit, Tartarus, more worse than I came from
It was darkness, but I glowed, I crawled my way up to the top
Yet, you kicked me out of the light once again
There were a lot of one-sided *******, biases and fake news spreading everywhere
They believed everything even when it is fake
Truth is nothing when fake is what they believed in

They said, Revenge was never yours to begin with
Revenge was never yours to continue nor to end
An eye for an eye, brother
A tooth for a tooth
And a head for a head
You focused on the speck on my eyes, but you never realized you had a speck in your own eye too
Revenge is only for The Almighty

Pretentious. I was never that type of person
Liar. I never lied about it, but are we in unison?
He told me already yesterday
He had unclear explanations, faulty reasons

I admit it, he is a walking red flag
He might not admit it, but he cheated on me
Caught him red-handed, put him on a pedestal
I might **** him in a heartbeat, no tag

Got no label for that, you see
Who wouldn’t believe such a loser like me?
When he ended things on purpose
He said, he got nothing to lose

My life is a bit candid
I never caught him red-handed
Those moments were unforgettable
True, but lies were unforgivable

He is indeed a wolf in sheep’s clothing
He put himself up in everything
With all the lies, betrayal, and tricks
Let me tie him up in a joystick

Regrets taste like yesterday
Change is what I am today
I can still sense you even when you’re away from me

I’m two steps behind you
No time to talk to you
Now you’re miles away from me
Meeting you was like yesterday

Reminiscing, imagining
Visualizing, glancing

You and me, against the world
You and me, on top of the world

But you let go of my hand
I don’t understand
Loving you was my best memory
Our love was my favorite story

Everything was a mystery
Now history has repeat itself
And I am all by myself

Now I’m all alone
Dancing with your ghost
Now I’m all alone
Now you’re not here when I needed you most

I cannot love someone else greater than you
I cannot find someone better than you
You are the best for me
Cause when you left me

A part of my heart has been with you
And it has left me broken
Broken, oh

I close my eyes, and heard your voice
Your voice is something compared to the noise
I hear everywhere
You are all that I ever want to love

I killed a part of me to keep you alive, but it turns out, you went behind my back and betrayed me.
I want you to know but I will never tell you
how it happened so quickly.

how you ruined our family.
over your child's baseless information.
over granny's nanny's useless explanation.
you broke my trust.
I am mad at you.
but still, I wished you well.
I wish you well, in Hell.

So, questions asked by someone flies through my mind—
                                    Like I am, some kind of menace when I reacted on that.

The question popped was, "Have you already forgiven him?"
                                         Yes, God knows when. Or maybe because I haven't dug deeper and gave so much attention about it.

I have forgiven him—for a fact that I can look at him, straight in the eyes like nothing happened. But I was grateful, I never saw you once again.

                   I gave myself some healing and focused on things I needed. Got rid of things I no longer need.

                                            Declutter your mind a little, don't **** your dreams for something that is unworthy to make me fall down the rabbit hole.

Like Alice did, naive. But I'm not Alice, but I could be mad. Yet, those are unworthy thoughts and feelings that lives rent-free on my mind and nerves.

       I wish I could say the same. Stay the same. It got a nice ring on it, remembering the old me—is quite far from who I am today.

Yeah.

My God, Our Creator—
Is so forgiving, has forgiven me
So, who am I, an imperfect mere human
Would not be forgiving to the ones who wronged us.

Pray tell, pretentious beast—***** rather.  
Why do you keep bothering me?  
Stop that sht, will you? Or else I'll be the one to put you in your place.  

You slither in shadows, whispering poison,  
masking your malice with sugar-laced lies.  
But I see you—oh, I *see you,  
a wolf in stolen silk, parading as a queen.  

Keep pushing, and I’ll carve the truth into your façade,  
rip that porcelain mask off your two-faced smile.  
Shall we see what’s beneath?  
A coward? A fraud?  
Or just another desperate soul feeding on borrowed pride?  

Your theatrics bore me—  
a puppet with tangled strings,  
dancing to the tune of your own hypocrisy.  
One more step, and I’ll cut them for you.

red or white of any color, the moon is still the moon
Regardless of its phase, crescent, half, full or new— it was beyond perfect, still
But beyond perfection, its beauty is breathtaking.

You gave me limited time
They gave me unlimited time
You gave me love
They gave me lust

You gave me affection
They gave me attention
You showed me love
They broke my trust

But none of those matters
Because you matter most to me

Cause you are my cure
You are my pain
You’re the only reason why I remain
Because your love is so pure

You are my happiness
And my sadness

You are the love of my life
In every feeling of bitter strife
That is what you are to me
For you are everything to me

You are my hope when I had none
You are my strength because you are the one
Now, who strengthens me, who consoles me
Now, who loves me and supports me

And that is you
There’s no one like you

Let God be our foundation
And let’s be each other’s motivation
In my black and white world
You are my color

And days have passed as I have loved you
It has grown so much stronger
You are my world
I hope you feel the same way too

Let’s be lost in our own world
With your hand I’d always hold
And in your arms is where I belong
Even if this is all wrong

Bitter Truths of Self-Review

I hustled in silence.
And everyone reaped the benefits of my success.

So many people said “Congratulations!”
But truth be told, I appreciate more the ones who walked with me during the storm—
The ones who asked, “How are you?”
Who checked in—not to gossip, not to judge—
but just to be present.

Support doesn’t always look like grand gestures.
Sometimes, it’s the quiet voice that says,
"You’ve got this."
"Rest if you must."
"Keep going."
Those words—
they replenished my soul when it was hanging by a thread.

I studied for five months.
But behind those five months
were moments of silence,
whispers of anxiety,
and distractions that clawed at my focus.

Special mention to my aunt, my cousin, and his girlfriend.
They gave me sleepless nights—
noise I didn’t need, chaos I didn’t ask for.
They pulled my thoughts away from my goal,
and I... I stayed quiet.
I bit my tongue.
I placed my anger at God’s feet.
I didn't want to explode—
but I would be lying if I said I never thought about it.

I told myself,
“If I don’t pass the board exam, I swear, I’ll curse them in my heart.”
But I passed.
Not because I was perfect.
Not because I was better.

But because God is great.
Because He saw my silent tears.
He witnessed the moments I wanted to give up,
the arguments, the loneliness, the exhaustion.

They tried to pull me away from my dreams.
But God pulled me closer to them.

So no—this success wasn’t just mine.
It was God’s mercy.
It was the quiet support of a few souls who believed in me.
And it was my own battle—fought in silence,
won in prayer.