you knew,
I knew.
we knew each other for 25 years,
but in a single blow, I forgot about you
I forgot that you were even my cousin
I forgot that you even existed.

I could look at you right now
like I never knew you
that even at the back of my mind
I was planning, plotting for revenge
thinking of ways on ******* you
in different ways,
or how many stab wounds will it take
for you to die.

but it was all a blur.
a memory I declined to act upon.

one time, I remember
out of curiosity,
out of poverty,
soy sauce, oil and vinegar,
dried fish,
fried rice with egg,
cracklings,
instant noodles
were our viands
with rice, as the queen of every meal.

just to get by in life,
just to survive from hunger and thirst.
just to be alive for another day
and experience it once again
just like clockwork.

I could never demand before,
for how hard life is.
but now, with every privilege given to us
like a chance we could get,
every opportunity slipping by
we hastily chase over them.

for once in my life,
I could buy what I needed and wanted to
without asking for my parents' money
I earned my own and I hustle to provide

not knowing the history of how I made it this far
God only knows what I went through
which were so easier for others to conclude
too quick to judge
I hope you know what you were talking about
I hope you are not making a wrong impression
or wrong words to say, just to make your theories sound
plausible for audiences to hear

everything I went through,
every experience I had gone through
every face of unfamiliar people I met,
kind or not, trusted or not
ally or not
went behind my back to judge and backstab me
I thought that who I was to judge you
who I was to do revenge?
I am unworthy, in fact.

when trust is broken
your sorry means nothing.
but I forgave you,
when you were dying
you asked for my forgiveness
and I did forgive you.

but that does not mean you were forgiven,
It was never bound to be forgotten.
your bruises and wounds of me
were my battle scars
proof for everyone to see
that when I was a child
innocent to the world
I was forced to grow up
trust no one
and be cruel.

how many times did I called your attention
to stop the whips,
to stop me from beating up
to stop me from following your orders
listening to your ****** up rules
but it all ended me, in one blow.
when you plead me for mercy,
It was not mercy that came to my mind at first
It was never forgiveness, sought or not
but it was hatred and bitterness
I will let you taste it.
I will make sure that your life is a living hell
as long as you breathe and
as long as I breathe.

I made your blood boil.
It itches your skin
to not hurt me
punch me
skin me alive
burn me
what else have you got?
stake me through my heart?
put the gun in my ******* head
pull the trigger
make me drink the poison you made
It made you crazy seeing me breathe
maybe you forgot,
I was your offspring
from you, I came from
you are my kind
yet you denied me
despised me,
denied me.

be cruel to me, father
at all costs
whatever you did,
it was never buried with you in the first place
in your deathbed, you lie
pleading for forgiveness
enough is enough
because it ends with me.

for almost 30 years
my trauma of what my father did to me
still haunts me
one time, I was asleep,
dreaming,
I saw a child being beaten by my father
as it turns out, I am that child
and an adult me, stood from afar, frozen
cannot move, cannot speak

as if, it was a reminder for me to see
that not everything is meant to be forgotten
even I could not distinguish it
that am I in my dreams or in reality?
It felt surreal,
since dreams are just an imitation or mimicry of the reality
It was hard for me to fathom
why did these things happen?
Is there a purpose?
Or is it for a reason?

my battle scars are still there
how I wish that the young me
is not all bruised and abused

I wish someone out there helped me
when they heard me screaming for help
but they were too afraid to come by

In his eyes, I can see
that he did not love me
Is his definition of love about abuse?
or is it a mere facade he masks

every time I look at him as my father
he was never a father, but a figure
that every time, I see him
holding a knife, a belt or anything sharp
to whip or hurt me
I shiver from the memory
by thinking about it
it gave me horror

I built up my walls so high
I built my standards so high
that no one could ever climb on
to ruin it for me
but it did break down
until I met her.

everything changed,
every kiss and hug feel like home
a comfort I was longing to find
that even if it led me to unfamiliar places
meet a lot of different faces
she is still that woman that gave me joy
that gave me light
loved and accepted me
embraced me as a whole,
though I felt shattered and incomplete
but without her, life was meaningless.

That was when I decided to say that she is the one for me.

You wanted a fight,
I brought war to your home.
You brought issues,
I brought destruction.

Think twice and bring whatever you want,
But let me tell you,
What you bring is three times worse in return.

Release the Kraken,
they might say,
But a winged Pegasus,
paired with Medusa’s head
Is mightier than anything you've offered.