I honestly don’t know where to start.
I don’t know which of the many thoughts troubling my mind I should talk about first. But there’s one thing I’m sure of—I need to lay this all out.
Let me begin with a question:
“Is it always going to be Ate?”
Is it always going to be Ate who has to adjust?
The one who’s always given the chores in this family?
This and that—reasons I no longer know if they’re even valid. But sure, fine, I’ll agree. Just to end the conversation. So we don’t have to drag it out any longer.
Is it always going to be Ate who sacrifices for the family?
Is Ate the only one who thinks of how to save money, how to prioritize what’s important—not luxuries, not personal wants, but you?
You first. I’ll be the last.
Is it always Ate who has to be the one to forgive and humble herself?
The one who takes on the responsibility, who does all the housework?
I know—I have siblings. But why does it always have to be me who moves first?
Why am I the only one who will take the initiative?
The one who thinks of what to cook?
Who does the laundry, washes the dishes, cleans the house?
I know it all by heart. You don’t even need to remind me. I don’t need to be told.
But what about you?
What happens if one day, our parents are no longer here?
What if we, siblings, were the only one left?
Will Ate still be the one who teaches and disciplines you?
Back when I was your age, I was already aware of my responsibilities.
But now, what’s happened?
It’s like you’re being swallowed whole by your screens. There’s no initiative. No concern for your surroundings.
Maybe you’ve forgotten—Ate is human, too.
I’m not a robot. I wasn’t made just to follow orders.
I get tired. I get hurt.
I have feelings, too.
I hope you understand that.
That I also have my own life to attend to.
I’m not a servant who exists to follow commands.
I don’t need to be paid to do what you ask, because no amount of coins or rest will ever truly give me the break I’ve been longing for.
Tired? I can endure that. I can survive with only a few hours of sleep. I can juggle work. But what did I get in return? I got sick. I lost an adrenal gland, and no amount of money you hand to me can make up for that.
Exhaustion and sleep deprivation? I had to deal with both. Instant noodles and barely any nutritious food—that’s what nearly killed me. Coke and coffee replaced my water. Watching over our sick grandmother became my daily routine.
It’s not that I don’t know how to be thankful.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful or that I don’t have a sense of debt for what you’ve done for me.
The debt I carry in my heart for a lifetime can’t be repaid with silver, gold, or money—
But with lifelong honor and respect, for bringing me into this world and for raising me. For never abandoning me.
You never heard me complain.
You never saw me throw a tantrum.
You never heard me explain or reason out—because deep down, I know your minds and ears are closed if ever I try to express how I feel.
I understand. I know you get tired too.
But my exhaustion is different.
No amount of sleep, pillows, or beds can fix this.
Because sometimes, even in sleep, my mind is still noisy.
The only cure I long for in my aching solitude is peace, silence, and the shore. That’s all I want.
That’s all for now.
With love,
Ate :)