I am uncertain about my distress
Why do I feel that way today ?
I wonder is it the desperation  of missing you
causing my heart to feel like a weighty sandbag  
or is it things to come underneath  arising to the surface.

I see you
I see your need for  
connection
love  
I see your  brillance  
I enjoy your  humor  
I love your presence
I am grateful  for your protection
your form of affection
that shifts into
defiance  and rebellion
when your'e not
recieved
valued
listened to
appreciated  
I see you
it makes me unhappy
my world is dim
when your are
oppressed
depressed
stressed
with cuts and  bruises on your hands
and a world on your shoulders
that is becoming out of control
everyday by gross darkness
only you to carry the blame
shame
truth is
the destruction was here
before we both were created
I will say  
Our world
would be obsolete
totally incomplete
without you.

In a house within a home

lies a room anchored by frankincense borders

adorned with multicolored tiles

Only one wide oatmeal beige chair

in the corner yet

the center of the world

The house within a home is loud with laughter and simple

peeking excitement in small places

The door to the room wooden with a crystal doorknob

The feet of people travel all over the home they are welcomed

But down a set of stairs made of white concrete blocks

a plain simple chair remains outside of the room

tempting passers to wonder what's behind the door with

the crystal ****



  Every evening into the night

I sit in the room with a composition book & a pen

I write

I breathe

I sing and hum

drawing the attention of an audience of one



One who puts his face against the door

making sounds like a whining puppy

while tapping lightly against the woodenframe

with his brown fingers

I put down my pen

tip-toe to the door

one hand on the **** gently

I place my face against the door

as if he could feel my kiss through it

I say " how can I help you ""

" who are you looking for"

" Do you miss something ? "

I wait in silence to hear what quirky words he will make up .....



He says : there better not be not be a man in there "

I reply ; wait let me put on my clothes and open the window

imagining his ****** expression deepens my smile

he says : Can I have a kiss ?

I say : Did you eat the food I left on the table its full of kisses

He says: No my fingers felt lonely on the fork without you

there stealing my food.

I say : Oh....

He says : Open the door

I say : You clean your feet

He says: Yessss

I say : liar what's that funny odor your toes ....

Truly I can smell the scent of his cologne and the sweet almond oil

I rubbed through his hair just before dawn

The memory pushes me to open the door

I paused and said ( knowing him like clockwork)

" Ok if I open the door do you promise not to pester me

He says " you have my word

Knowing better yet in anticipation of feeling his arms

I open the door and like always

he tackles me

like dino does fred on the flintstones

I enjoy it

It never gets old .

Cinnamon brown dandelion
with a chocolate stem
covered in a white blanket
floating on sandy-striped sheets
thoughts running a marathon
around & around in my head

My goal for today is I'm
going to get out of bed
I repeatedly tell myself
get out of bed!
I am going to stop crying
Over a
yabyum coitus love affair

It's just one of those days
"I feel you everywhere"
My soul silently screams
How dare you !
ensnare me in your  love
  hope
  dreams

To be from everlasting to everlasting
" oh my dear wife"

little do you know
I secretly hate you
heart filled with strife
cold bursts of chills
Prussian blue ice  

hopefully
a love like mine and yours
will never re-occur
more than twice
for heaven's sake not
Oh, what a sacrifice!

I  I was so naive
I was so guillable
so young
so fresh and green
then
bubbly and thought the world
and every one in it
was my friend
an open book
to be stamped on
and she knew
she knew I was all of those things
fresh from the country  
you are no competition to me
that is why she called
isn't that why she called  
she said she just wanted to hear my voice

And I was busy building you a palace  
layering your soul with love
and it was all a game
the memories the conversations
they comeback and hit me
like a gigantic wave
you always had a "thing"
for those type those
pretty model type  
and what was I  to you
I was a joke .

I cup your ears in my hands then I kiss your forehead, your eyes, tip of your nose, your cheekbones and finally your lips systematically removing your doubt & fear  of my love for you.  
Ten fingers embrace your shoulders; trace  your spine  ******* the unworthiness while kissing entire center of your being sealing just how much you mean to me ; yet your eyes tell me a different  story every time possessing a thieves glare as if you've taking mischievously what was giving
So I lifted & uncleave from you yet before leaving I held your hands turning them palm side up
I kissed your palms unlocking the shackles of guilt that you thought no one noticed  
giving you freedom to live
freedom to be .

When I look into your eyes

Truth swells up inside of me                

and I want to tell you everything  

Unashamedly I would do so

Just to watch your ****** expressions  

in hiding curiosity  

of learning the language to your soul .

Sometimes as I lie in bed sound asleep
I feel him
He wraps his arms around my plush body
placing his face on the back of my neck
sending a electric jolt down my spine

I gasp in resistance determined not to respond to his plea
I place one foot on top of the other braiding my toes
locking my knees
becoming a crooked abstract painting
Rubbing my hips he outlines the shape of my thighs lifting me
against the hard places of his body  and like
a skilled locksmith he presses fingerprints
unlocking my legs once strong bones
are now silk ribbon for his waist.

When we love
we hold on to the image of a face  
we tuck them away in a corner
within our hearts
and we listen
we look
we carry your every word
like holding hands .

If I come from your side  
notice your elbows
at your side
I am not
clingy  
when I hold on to you
I was only hoping
you could tell me
who am to be .

The makings of slave
The makings of a slave
He treated me like a farmer tending land
He praised me nourished me
gently raked his fingers
through my soft brown soil
Poured forth affirming words like oil
SIGH
Spoiled

Then suddenly those kinds words stopped
  Everything besides the unfastening of his zipper
  from the bottom to the top

Without warning  he'd
****** me up into his arms
till and toil my heartbroken soil around the clock
CELEBRATION
APPRECIATION NO WHERE TO BE found
SILENCE
NO SOUND
just that zipper from bottom to top

Thought it was me
So my heart I did unlock
In vain
steadily tick-tock tick -tock

We were
Distant planets drifting farther apart
I tell you the truth
It's the start of:
THE MAKINGS OF A SLAVE

I light a vanilla ice cream scented candle  to fill the air
As I lie in bed
I see you like a child sitting in a dark corner .   Just to feel the warmth of you

Every time I walk away
                 I LOVE YOU.    

Each hug is priceless                                I think about things like

Who will hold your hand  ?                    Who will be your light ?

to guide you out of the arising darkness            Isn't that love ?  

Whose lips will catch your tears and  
breathe life back into your cheeks?   If only I could lend you my eternal sight

To end your lonely and seemingly endless blight  

bright star .......                     You are a bright star .

PAST-TENSE
She fell in love with him through predestined heart eyes
He loved her because she was fresh out of Eden, new & captivating
(FUTURE)
When they made love the vibration created a higher level of consciousness
Giving them access to new horizons and worlds to explore
He desired the power: she wanted him and nothing more .

I've searched your misty gray eyes a million times
trying to find a reflection of love
for me

Inspite of the words that flow from your lips
yet your eyes tell a colorful story of your past maybe
I ponder
something happened before our time
unoccupied
here come I carelessly  twirling
in this fine quest called love
but my dancing arrival was greeted
with iron clad doors

A thin man in a green suit
pasty pale complexion
narrow face outlined by
a black trimmed beard  
He knocks on the doors
standing in the way of dreamers
his bony fingers tapping
out a rhythm upon a clear plane

While he hums a tune
you should trust in God
he has no soul  
and he is constantly
in search for mine.

Heaven opened the gates of clouds

placing a white blanket on

the shoulders of the earth

painting a picture of pleasure

for the eyes of those who will inherit her

reminding those that wither

and shall fade away like a flower


to consider their ways .

Her eyes were big & round  
the light within them shone like yellow sunflowers

Her body framed with skin soft as clay

of an array of colors  

Fair like the sands of Punjab

Burning red as baked earth with brown undertones

Sienna , caramel , dark chocolate

Short & scrawny arms encircled  by gold, blue, silver bangles

  based upon her class in the caste system

  A portrait of peacock linen

   Hair flowing as night blackest sky roped licorice



Born in a world ruled by ironfist

An unoticed lily growing beneath the swampy waters of traditional thoughts

Takes a innocent breath from swirling field winds

Rushed to the other side of eternity without giving a chance to deliver the gift God put inside her.



Mother & daughter were thrown in the yard

for everyone to see

as if they were no better than trash

Splashed with gasoline & set on fire

For being a girl .



Priyanka:

I wonder where you are

I wonder are you safe

My first baby I carried in my heart

I pray that you are loved

I pray that you are safe

I pray that you overcome the dark shadows of India .

Her steady beam of love was unsettling , and she had never dropped those
expressions of affection that had been so loveable in her childhood. - T. Morrison

You
You have a right to live
You have a right to be you
You can live without me
  The world will not end at my existence or non existence  
You
You have a right to love and be loved
And am not the best thing or the only thing in your opinion best ever to happen to you
You are not a slave
Let go of me and be
Free.

I wasn't good for you because

I loved you unhinged

and that scared you

You felt like you didnt deserve to be loved

To be consoled

To be held like that

You are just like me .

At first I thought selfish things

What do I owe you ?

What do we owe eachother?

We owe eachother nothing !

And I thought you were different

Your'e not different at all

You are just like all the other people I let in

Who searched and upon discovery of flaw

a very tender to touch

sore  red spot

instead of aiding it with ointment

you take your fingers or your words and

you rub deeply  

drawing blood

not caring about the pain it caused me

I close my eyes
and I
hold you
in my heart
in my dreams
its a  repetitve habit  
that makes me happy
How can I turn it off
How can I stop it .

I have  trouble some days  
just functioning doing the simple things
I become trapped in  colors  
ideas  and thoughts  
the journey of a storyteller .

With the door shut
when I allowed you to
step into my world
when I gave you the
privilege to see my nakedness
I thought you had an understanding
I imagined that you were excited
because you saw yourself  in
feminine form
the missing part of you
I learned later that
I was only a different
different girl with
a different name.

I miss you
I need you
I wonder where you are
How long did you say it will take
how are far are you away from home
I feel like a prisoner in my own body
that pants in heavy breathes
igniting setting itself on fire
I try to control the flames putting it out at foot level
burning the soles of my feet