No. Stop. Please. Don’t call me nice or strong or admirable. Because I’m not. I smile and laugh when you joke and tease me, but on the inside it hurts and shakes up my self esteem. You call me strong but that’s while you ignore the silent tears rolling down my cheeks. Admirable? Only because I know how ****** it feels to be on the receiving end if I were to act and speak the way my mind wanted to. I try to sit pretty, laugh and give witty comebacks, but I keep having to bite my lip and blink rapidly up at the ceiling so the tears don’t flood out. But do you see that? No. Because you’re scared of my breaking down. You don’t know how to react when someone who comes off as sturdy and laid back as I do falls apart. That’s how everyone reacts when I get shaken. They pretend not to see. People say whatever they wish to my face because they think I can take it and not be hurt by it. But it does hurt. Especially when you say bad things about people I love, especially when I’m already hurting over them. I wish people would just once watch my face when they decide to say those things about my family, friends or me. I wish people would just once see the pain that quivers in my eyes, or the tightening jaw and bleeding lips. I wish just once..someone would stop mid-sentence when they see me shaken, and just pull me in for a hug.

after love,
we change.
the confessed love: lies.
the promised future: lies.
but those aren’t lies
once we take off our shades
and look with clear-sighted eyes.
the love was true
and future clear;
there really was no flaw.
but things did go wrong
and love did fail,
and the hatred, too is real.
it would be an easy,
simple task to hate
had love been lies.
but it wasn’t;
confessions of love
and scowls of hate
were all there -
and all were true.

I was scared of the dark
and the monsters within.
I was scared of what would get me
when it was time to turn in.
I never liked to go outside
anytime past sunset;
why? It was dark out there
monsters everywhere, I’d bet.

But now I realize,
now I know
the monsters I fear -
outside, they won’t show
their faces, their grins
or their wrinkly, clawed toes.
Deep inside me they reside -  
my fears and my foes.

Now with my insides
darker than night,
Night doesn’t make me fearful -
It doesn’t give me fright.

Twilight seems delightful,
almost broad as daylight.
So now, dear darling,
here’s my plight:
I can no longer have you by my side -
for my inner demons will bite.

Y’know, when your thoughts are as dark as mine –
The night isn’t as scary
nor the monsters so creepy.

You become the scary night
and the monsters children fear.
You’re the ugly, crooked criminal
held back from all that you hold dear.
The night, to you, becomes bright
and all the nocturnal fright
will be your cause
and your plight.

hush, little darling,
hush those deadly thoughts.
don’t let that blade taste blood;
I warn you, it gets addicted.
breathe – in and out, love –
don’t forget that one small chore;
or you’ll get caught up
in dark, dreadful thoughts
and drown away for sure.
be careful, dear, think clear.
one rash choice will
**** a life many hold dear;
you’ll never know
which hands you would have held,
which hearts would have helped
you through it all.

you’ll make it through, darling,
I promise you – I do.

Maybe it’s because
it’s the end of the year
and we’re on the brink
of starting anew.

Maybe it’s because
this winter is exceptionally cold
and your hand’s not here
to warm mine up.

Maybe it’s because
I’m not proud of
the things I’ve done
and the ones who can forgive me
are already too far gone.

Maybe it’s because
the good memories,
come and gone,
are here no more
and this winter looks so bleak.

Maybe it’s because
nothing’s wrong, really -
it’s just my expectations
in my messed up little mind -
maybe it’s just me.

"Make yourself at home," I said.
and as I said, you did.
You made me home -
haven to you,
and your home, I did become.
You brought me life,
I gave you rest.
You provided excitement,
and found comfort in me.
I was your home,
and you, my resident
until the circumstances changed.
You up-and-outted;
moved right out
and left me here, behind.
Leaving unwanted objects -
useless things -
and a restless state of mind.
You left to choose a different home,
greater than my kind;
and left me here
with a sign: FOR SALE
empty and abandoned.