I lay in the water, hot enough to sting but not enough to burn.
I'm reminded of you. How you were always just hot enough to make me feel relaxed but never hot enough to set my soul ablaze.
I realize in this moment that you weren't sent to save me, that was kept for someone else. I know him now.
I want to lay in water that is hot enough to scald. So I can feel the passion that burns in me when I'm with him.
My scalp begins to tingle as I wash my hair brining memories back of the night I learned of her.
But then my souls rests knowong that the last thing that made my scalp tingle were his lips pressed against my hair so firm I felt it on my skull.
I realize in all of this choas the thought of drowning under the water no longer haunts me.
I drift into the idea of marraige, a growing belly and old age. Not once did you cross my mind, only him.
The water is cold but my soul is on fire, hot enough to keep me warm forever.

A cycle.
Welcome home said my bed as I crawled into it at 2 PM.
The tears have become a permanet stain on my pillow case.
I'm crying for nothing.
Not for nothing.
To feel something other than a void.
I'll be here for months if you need me. In the dark covered up.
Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.
As if telling myself to move my heavy chest in the steady motions of breathing is what I want to do.
Breathing today is the hardest and only thing I've done.
My hair is oily and matted.
I haven't showerd in a week.
Mom says "you look like you've lost weight."
Depression says "we can't eat. It hurts the void she needs to feel."
I say "Thank you, portion control."
Today I woke up different. Happy to be alive and breathing wasn't so hard anymore.
I treated myself because you know "self love."
I wanted everyone to know I wasn't stuck in bed today playing the repeat button in my brain.
I took a selfie of me smiling. It has the most likes on my Instagram.
I only need three hours of sleep now and I feel great for the day.
I told the doctors I felt like I was on a high.
They said that was part of my illness. It's called mania.
They ask how long it usually last, I tell them two weeks.
I guess that's the problem I'm never truly content.
They have a name for you. Manic Bi-Polar Depression.
Today I'm breaking up with you.
A cycle.
I crawled into bed at 2 PM again.