church in my backyard
every ******* sunday those bells woke me up
consume the minds of over half the worlds population
***** their knees for you
become vulnerable
easier target to kick in the stomach
i'll leave you bleeding in the confession booth
and your last words will still be "help me God"

You love me with closed eyes in a lit room; you love me with open eyes in a dark room
2. Your veins are the stems of plants, I have yet to see the green phenomena that blossoms from it
3.You touch me like I am lighter fluid and you are a lit match
4. Like flowers that stab the ground,you make life beautiful in the most painful way
5.i love you so much and I think my ceiling is growing weary of me saying it in my sleep
6.I miss you like a Chernobyl swing set misses children

Maybe I focus too much on what your skin feels like against mine and maybe
the stem of a rose does too
my thorns have never been overlooked.
I imagine your hugs that constrict me will
Not only take my breath away but eventually my life
me feeling like a city at night
that wears streetlights like it's
Most expensive jacket,
I'm only trying to impress you with.
I may spend too much time thinking about what your lips look like
but I bet you have your mother's eyes,
And your fathers hands
And even when it is tainted red from all the holes you've ****** into your wall
It always matched with the pink in the sky right before a storm
I've always admired nature taking itself back
And you letting it

Build me with frostbite covering my heart, build me with a snowflake constantly falling from the roof of my mouth, build him with a yearning for cold weather. Let every person I miss for the next 20 years forget to return the favor.
I want to stick a panic room underneath the chalices in my palms so they aren't so timid once I hear you talk about wearing Sunday clothes when you had your first beer.
build me with gunslinger fingertips that touch and touch and touch and stay steady, build my footsteps with the sounds of a rainstorm knocking on the ground of an empty parking lot, build him out of prayers for a flood.
If I didn't bruise so easily, if I wasn't looking for a way to be made of a river, if I needed the silence to mean something, then I would ask you build me out of quiet kisses and vengeful goodbyes, I would need you to build me out of reasons to believe instead of reasons to be afraid, I would turn my kneecaps into strawberries in exchange for potter's hands so I could mold you a bulletproof spirit. I want to spend the rest of my life watching the clouds, I want to have a voice as steady an oak tree and I want to see the sun cry rays of light so hard that it beats the sky purple

Guilty is synonymous with self-condemnation
And confessions only come out at night
I'm sorry for gracing you with my tyrannical presence
It's not that I want to clip your wings but my arms are made of scissors and you are always reaching for a hug
I can't control what I speak or what I feel
I can love you
I can love you the wrong way
I can leave words your skin with my mouth
I can blister you without making you sit in the sun
I can replace the joints between your bones with styrofoam
I'm sorry for building you with weak material
Guilty is synonymous with self-condemnation
Maybe confessions only come out at night
In Alaska, there is sunlight during the evening for 6 months
Maybe this shows the truth can be exposed with sun filtered through blinds instead of stars
Maybe it takes two different types of light to expose to different types of truths
Maybe I've changed my mind
Maybe I can't make up my mind
Maybe I'm not good for you
I'm not good for myself
I'm not sure of anything
I'm sure of one thing
I love you
But not the right way

You say you are afraid of cold weather but Winter has been growing behind your eyelids, and this is another part of you that you can be ashamed of but I can love
You say you are afraid of small corners and tight spaces but your blood stained mattress says you have been crafting yourself into something that can
compress into my morning thoughts
And if I could, I would squeeze your smile into my glass before I started my day

You are afraid of walking into a pharmacy knowing that every painkiller and sleeping medication has your initials carved into it
And two palms pressed together are placed on the warning label
How many years have you been trying to find god in the bottom of them

When is the last time you asked yourself what you're made of or what I'm made of or what both of us combined creates
When is the last time you loved someone with your hands like dry dirt and a chest filled with weeds only a girl with a soft smile can replace with blooming flowers
When is the last time you filled your lungs with cheap wine promises that were never strong enough to keep you from falling down the steps but wise enough to tell you he's not going to take your keys or hold your hair back
When is the last time you didn't regret having the strength to swim upstream knowing the only thing waiting for you was another excuse to be wet and out of breath, you shouldn't have to wear an oxygen tank in order to love someone the right way
You do not see all the rays of light that flee from your spirit, or comprehend how leaving someone and loving someone can be fueled by the same spit of heat
But it will burn and it will be more than you can touch, so you will spend your life with a nightstand filled with band aids and burns on your fingertips and you'll never really know who you are but at least I will

When I had drank more shots than I had fingers I thought that the world was so simple,so capable of being figured out
I was riding a wave that rolled out of your alcohol ridden mouth in shades of blue-
Things like- I want to be a tree, I want to be every single thing that shakes so take me to the eye of the storm, where it begins but never ends,
Where the destruction outweighs the number of survivors; believe me when I say I deserve to be hurt
Of all the things that broke me I think you were my favorite
you say I love you and I hear you I hear you but I don't trust you and this is what breaks friendships and families and us
You ask me where I will live for the rest of my life
I could live in the light of LA I could live in the dark of Alaska I could live in my parents basement where there are closed blinds and carpets stained with mud you dragged in that I've never had the nerve to clean off
This is a drugged up prayer
This is my plea to the sun
Come back when it's warmer because I cannot stop once I've begun
And all these words are coming from the safe in my mind that have been unlocked by soft hands and warm eyes
I am not looking while I type this I am thinking of your knees and elbows and how they were always scarred
The first time I met you I swore to god I'd make you sigh now that's all I do
I joke about you leaving bruises on me then cry about it afterwards
I'm not sure what I want and I need to stop doing things that leave me weak keeled over and crying
I wrote that I was a wave, swallowing myself as a whole
Swallowing myself until this water is holy
My throat will never be dry
I'm not sure what this is
This is a preachers apology

This sounds more like an interview
and it would be quicker for me to tell you what I don't believe in
What you've robbed me of
Why did you only tell me everything that didn't sound like a warning label?
Why didn't the poison you were hiding underneath your tongue never sting my lips?
Habits and contradictions only appear at night
And the ocean in all it's royalty will turn it's back on you
It's not ready to touch you
It will return with time
Have you noticed what I've done
There's a difference between staring at the moon and letting it crawl out of your intestines
I've never seen the sun in your eyes

Blush when I compliment how well your fingers fit between mine
I'm allowing my shadow to write this for me
She sorts through all the dead skin that covers my heart,
She wants to turn all the white into a galaxy of things you don't understand yet
It will obtain a mixture of sermons that don't mix well with wine or metal
But it always matches with skin
I wonder if you always wore white because nothing shows of blood stains better
maybe it'll bring out the green in your eyes
And how whenever I glanced at you I felt a nostalgic recollection of unhappy family Christmas gatherings
I hope that when you discover the effect you're having on me you take advantage of it
And realize you are blooming
Not as a grocery-bought plant but as a red flower in a field of yellow dandelions
I'm here to tell you my declarations are white and hot but I dressed them in black for you to see more clearly.
I miss the ocean and how the current always ran against me
I'm slowly beginning to like my shadow
I'm slowly starting to understand the color of the blind
I want the waves to tug at my ankles once more in a plea to come closer
like the way I would tug at your arm when I wanted to go home
I want your saltwater to fill my cuts because you've made me clean since I met you
I know you sting scars and scabs because you want me to be pure
and I am eager to be held underwater
My heart that stumbles across my chest like a drunken man making his way from a local bar to his home,
Look at how you've made it tough
Look how it heals on its own now
I have always had a love like a dimly lit room
And you are always carrying the candle

How many nostalgic nights will I have to spend on a warped floor to realize you are to hollow to be filled
you make negligence feel like an oak door and my hands have become splinters
if you scream your apologies into satin finish long enough the creaks and groans of the door begin to sound like "sorry"
I hope you don't use coasters on your coffee table; the imprints your mug leave can translate to the ones you left on me

Amber waves crashing on porcelain skin, If I told you about his eyes you'd whimper, The curve of his lips over his teeth could ****** your breath like milk money, you'd think your lungs had been mugged in an alley if you caught him smiling at you like he does at me. His collarbones create craters in his chest where if water would get caught there, it would turn to wine. I know because I get drunk by just glancing. His body is a beautiful remaining of a natural disaster and my hands become earthquakes when I think about touching the back of his neck or the palm of his hand. One day I am going to kiss every inch of him that has been exposed to the world and every inch that has not.

The only memories I can recollect seem to be the most painful ones
It's difficult to keep the thought of you in a cage I hand built and lock it with a rusty key that's sharp edges dance on my fingertips until they draw blood
Hospital rooms are as familiar as the outline of your lips
Sometimes I wear your shirt to bed but my tears have long washed away the smell of your skin
I don't know what to do without your hand intertwined with mine so I keep it balled into a fist instead
I'm sorry I couldn't fill you when I am empty myself

Don't ask me about faith or love or doing what's right because when I was 13 years old the trees told me
that no matter how stable your foundation is it will break someday.
To this day I tend to stay away from strong, tall trees and instead find shade under shaky, frail ones cowering on the side of the forest. I'm sorry for not loving you in a more prideful way. I don't have enough time to write out all of my regrets so instead I will love you with a quivering touch and an apologetic stomach.
My fear?
ASK ME ABOUT MY FEAR.
I KNOW OF ALL KINDS
THE TRIVIAL, THE NERVOUS AND THE INNOCENT
I KNOW OF THE SMALL FIRE BUILT INDIDE YOUR CHEST THAT IS STOKED NOT BY A GUST OF WIND BUT MY THE SOUND OF A FRIENDLY BOYS VOICE
ASK ME ABOUT MY FEAR AND I WILL GUIDE YOU TO AN OVERGROWN FIELD WHERE THE THIN GRASS IS A TAUNTING DEPICTION OF WHAT I WANT TO BE
LOOK AT THE INDENTS IN THE DIRT MADE FROM MY KNEES
LOOK AT THE LEAVES LYING ON THEIR BACKS AND I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO REPENT LIKE THE WOOD THAT BEGS FOR MERCY IN A BURNING BUILDING
I WILL SHOW YOU ******* OFF WHATEVER STRENGTH YOU HAVE LEFT AND HOW TO BREATHE AS IF IT IS AN ACCIDENT
I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO BE LOVED AS IF YOU ARE THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF A PLANE CRASH AND LEAVE YOU WONDERING HOW IT COULD HAVE TURNED OUT DIFFERENTLY. I WILL SHOW YOU HOW TO FIND SOMETHING YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU LOST.
I will show you how your feet scream when they enter a hospital and how they sing when they walk out.
Here is my testament , here is what dropped out of the sky when I reached up with empty hands and bleeding courage
I threw my ears on a broken star with a strong arm and a weak heart just to listen to the commentary of whatever god everyone claims to exist
I will tell you about the day heaven seems to be soundproof
What could a 15 year old know about faith
What could I know about demons and angels and how they excite and disappoint you
How could I know about how a newborn baby disguised in a blanket clutching it's mothers arm, in what seems small forever
What could I know about 8 empty bottles of cheap wine and a child with too many bruises and a hole in his pocket that won't let him hold all that he wants to keep
This is not how you love someone, this is how you miss them
And how instead of listening to your head and heart you listen to his
This is how you run faster than the rivers to be held in his arms
This is a reminder that when they ask for nothing they become everything
This is how you start beginning,
And how to prepare to come to an end.

WHEN YOU LOSE A LOT OF BLOOD YOU FIND SOMETHING TOO
AND MAYBE FILING THROUGH MY TORN UP SKIN EVERY NIGHT FOR A MONTH TAUGHT ME SOMETHING
NO MATTER HOW LONG I STUDY THE CURVATURES OF MY TEARS I WILL NOT FIND THE WORDS YOU WROTE SCRIPTED ON THEM
I WANT TO BELIEVE YOU ARE A PART OF ME AND WE ARE ONE BUT HOW CAN WE BE ONE IF YOU ARE 6 FEET UNDERGROUND AND TRYING TO DRAG ME DOWN WITH YOU
I AM AWARE THAT MORE BRUISES SCATTER MY BODY THAN THE STARS THAT FILL THE SKY
AND I AM AWARE THAT YOU CAUSED THEM
BUT SOMEDAY I WILL COME TO THE BITTER REALIZATION THAT THESE BRUISES DO NOT SIGNIFY ANYTHING MORE THAN SELF-ABUSE AND PITY
AND ONCE I COME TO THIS REALIZATION I WILL BREAK OUT OF THE GRIP YOU HAVE CAST AROUND MY NECK
I WILL BE HAPPY
AND I WILL FINALLY FEEL ALIVE

one time I let a boy finger me in the gas station bathroom. he bought me a coke after. We never talked again.

I check the lost & found everyday because maybe you're hiding in the crevices of the box

my eyes are sunken and I swear ships have sailed on them sometimes they're bruised but I have learned to adore the color purple and you

i took a shot for every time you said I love you and faked it
my stomach was pumped

my shoes have holes in them but I won't replace them because they are familiar and I always run back to familiar

sometimes I play tic tac toe but if I run out of pencil & paper I use my skin

I painted you but I've never been good at expressing beauty so I ripped it

did you know my friend died

I'm going to find him soon

don't come searching for me

Although I doubt you'll even open the map

When the breeze is stagnant and the water is
still, maybe this is
a sign you should look up,
because if this world can stop the wind in
it's tracks, imagine what it could
do to the air in your lungs.
How many times have you pulled grass out of the ground while pondering what went wrong
Maybe if you listened harder to the breeze you could understand its telling you to never find comfort in boys who find more happiness in illicitly filled baggies than you
It could take me walking an entire desert to know
Love is not quite as easy as quicksand
and the more you try to keep your arms free,
the closer you'll be to missing something, but I'll always be walking

Maybe if i kiss you long enough, your coal lungs will soon have you breathing diamonds
and you'll tell me that the
buildings of flame that uproot themselves
inside of my chest have been built
so I could get used to the smoke
You remind me of freedom
and you possess more than the 50 stars that stamp our flag
I hope you know i'd get lost in your eyes
and i'd burn every map i owned
just to stay a little longer
I hope when you realize that i am as empty as the ghost towns in old western movies you dance in the dirt instead of leaving
Some days I'll poke holes in my umbrella
because i need to stop shielding myself from things that don't hurt me
So when you hear me praying for a flood,
just know it's not because you touch me like a famine
you don't have to go
you don't have to stop signing your name on my back
like you did when you signed a receipt
and you don't have to return me even when you are finished
because i belong to you even if you do not belong to me

I have arms made of china that break whenever you let go
I am an alignment of stars that you seem to disregard for the moon
I hold ownership of waterfalls for eyes
I have a body made of one-hundred sheets of college ruled notebook paper that kids like me used to make scrapbooks out of
I am a collection of bruises holding up photos of a Father's fist,
My hands were only made to hold those who feel empty when not holding a glass of wine

I visited the empty parking lot you took me to every weekend. It wasn't lonely when i was with you but when the single flickering streetlight illuminates my shaky fingers at the thought of you, I feel so incredibly empty but heavy at the same time. I remember when you told me you wanted the rest of my life, so believe me when I say you got it. They never tell you ****** is not always by the hand of someone clutching a gun or a knife. ****** is not just a rope around your neck or a poison in your drink. ****** is on the tip of his tongue and in between his thighs. Believe me when I say the moment I shed blood for you every vibrant light in my body grew dark and every part of me died.

YOU TRIED TO TEACH ME ALOT OF THINGS
LIKE HOW TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH THE FLOOR
AND THAT I WAS THE MOST PRODUCTIVE THERE
AS THOUGH PLEASURING YOU FROM MY KNEES
WAS ANY INDICATOR OF MY SELF WORTH
BUT I HAVE DISCOVERED MANY THINGS FROM THIS VANTAGE POINT
I HAVE NOTICED A CRACK IN THE FLOORBOARD
AND HOW THIS CRACK SHOWS FAULT IN THE CONSTRUCTION OF THIS HOME
YOU CANNOT BUILD ME FROM THE BOTTOM UP THEN EXPECT ME TO NOT QUIVER FROM THE WEIGHT YOU HAVE PUT ON MY SHOULDERS
BUT I WILL HEAVE THE WEIGHT
AND I WILL LIFT MYSELF OFF MY KNEES
(IT WAS ALWAYS A POWERFUL POSITION)
AND I WILL TRANSFORM THIS SINGLE CRACK INTO MILLIONS
I WILL USE THE STRENGTH INSIDE ME I NEVER KNEW I HAD
I WILL DUST IT OFF WITH SHAKY HANDS
AND I WILL BREAK THE UNSTABLE HOME YOU CREATED FOR ME
BECAUSE IF YOU TAUGHT ME ANYTHING
IT WAS THAT MY KNEES COULD WITHSTAND HOURS ON ROUGH WOOD
AND I WILL USE THESE EXACT SAME KNEES TO EXTINGUISH THE SMILE ON YOUR FACE

I used to swallow my pride all the time just for you but now i swallow pills that appear to be bigger than your fist
objects in the mirror are actually closer than they appear
And you were closer than you appeared
Because I thought when you were next to me you were there to keep me company
But you became apart of me instead
And I didn't give you permission but that didn't stop you
I wonder what would stop you
Maybe that car that crashed into yours while you were going 40 miles over the speed limit
You have more alcohol in your body than blood
I have more of you in my body than blood
There was so much blood
I love(d) you

No matter how long you sink your palms into the barbed wire of her cheekbones
You'll come out bleeding one way or another
I think my legs around your waist will be the best part about waking up
And the worst will be reminiscing it a few months later when I'm all alone
Your veins are so prominent like your opinion on war
And looking into your eyes is glaring into the barrel of a gun
I'm not sure when they'll go off but I will wait patiently
I will appreciate you
Because you are beauty and that is something I've never been recognized by

I COMPOSE THESE LONG DRAWN OUT LETTERS IN AN EFFORT TO WIN YOU BACK. I WANT TO WIN YOU LIKE AN ARCADE GAME. ARCADE FIRE IS YOUR FAVORITE BAND. YOU THINK THEIR BEST SONG IS CROWN OF LOVE. I STILL WEAR THE CROWN OF FLOWERS YOU MADE ME. THEYRE ALL DEAD NOW, BUT DONT WORRY I STILL ADMIRE IT. I THINK IM DEAD BUT NOT IN THE WAY WHERE MY BODY SMELLS OF CHEMICALS AND BLOOD NO LONGER COURSES THROUGH MY VEINS. TRUST ME, I CAN STILL STILL FEEL IT POUNDING THROUGH MY HEART WHENEVER I HEAR YOUR NAME. YOUR NAME TASTED SO GOOD IN MY MOUTH BUT NOW I RARELY SAY IT IN FEAR IT WONT BRING YOU BACK BUT BRING BACK ALL THE MEMORIES. THOSE MEMORIES ARE HARD TO ERASE NO MATTER HOW MUCH ALCOHOL I CONSUME. YOU CONSUMED ME. I AM TYPING ALL THESE THINGS DOWN EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS EVERY TIME I PRESS A KEY. YOU DONT HAVE THE KEY TO MY HEART. YOU THREW IT AWAY WITH 3 EMPTY BOXES OF NEWPORTS AND A PAMPHLET ABOUT HOW TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR. IS THAT HOW YOU CALCULATE MY WORTH? A BAD HABIT AND A RELIGION YOU DONT BELIEVE IN? I AM BAD NOW, I AM EXPIRED LIKE THE MILK YOU BOUGHT BUT NEVER DRANK. BUY A SHEET OF GLASS AND BREAK IT INTO 2 PIECES. DRIVE ONE INTO MY HEART AND ONE INTO MY HEAD SO YOU CAN PROUDLY SAY YOU CAUSED ME AS MUCH PHYSICAL PAIN AS MENTAL.

MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL MEAN MORE THAN A SIGH AND WALK IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION
MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL AMOUNT TO SOMETHING GREATER THAN THE WEIGHT THAT CALLS YOUR CHEST ITS HOME
MAYBE ONE DAY MY LIP WILL HALT ITS QUIVERING WHILE YOU ARE IN MY PRESENCE
MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO GLANCE AT OUR PHOTOS AND NOT FEEL A LUMP THE SIZE OF YOUR FIST IN MY THROAT
MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL OVERCOME THE URGE TO PLUNGE INTO THE SEA WITH A BOULDER TIED MY LEG AND LET THE SHARKS RIP ME TO PIECES EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL NEVER COMPARE TO THE PAIN YOU INFLICTED UPON ME
BUT UNTIL THEN I WILL WAIT FOR THIS TO PASS LIKE THE STORM YOU WERE NAMED AFTER
I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE HERE TO REPAIR THE WRECK

Questions I never asked you:
You were always a firm believer in Jesus. Tell me, if I had nailed myself to a cross would you have looked at me with the same love and admiration? Did I not live up to your expectations? Did I reach just below the bar your car crashed into 2 summers ago? Did you taste the blood that had spewed out when your head hit the windshield along with regret and uncertainty? Were all those years you spent trying to prepare for the future instead of living in the present worth it? Before you were knocked unconscious, did my face flash through your head? Do you find it ironic that the person you praised and adored took your life from you, without a warning? Isn't it funny that this love is a one way street? You poured all of yourself into someone who didn't give a drop of them self to you. You ran yourself dry, and I was willing to quench you but you didn't allow me.

They called me today and told me you were dead
I smoked 2 packs
They said you were sad for awhile
I took a 2 hour shower till my flesh felt like it was burning off
They asked me if I needed someone to talk to
I talked to 2 people, your mother and myself
They held a funeral; open casket
I took 2 deep breaths when I looked at your cold and lifeless body
They asked if I still miss you
I threw 2 lamps as my answer
They told me id be okay eventually
I hope they were right
But it's been 2 years since you've been gone and nothing's gotten better
The showers are getting longer; I don't mind the pain in comparison to missing you
I remember your closed eyelids and blue veins prominent underneath the harsh lighting you layed under
I have not replaced the lamps
I have not replaced you

This is a poem about the night you dropped acid
this is a poem about the night you told me everything and  meant it
this is my self doubt
this is a sweaty palmed handshake
this is a speech you gave the class you only half believed in
i do not amount to much
i believe this as well as others but i am trying to equal to something great
this is a hallucination
this is a ****** overthinked poem
this is a representation of me

DONT TELL ME YOU'RE NOT A PART OF ME WHEN YOU'RE DISGUISED AS CALCIUM ON MY BONES. I PLAY BACK EVERYTHING YOU SAY JUST LIKE THAT STUPID ******* CD PLAYER I NEVER FIXED. IM BAD AT FIXING THINGS. ALL I KNOW IS THAT I AM MADE OF METAL AND YOUR KISSES TURN ME INTO THE MOST AMAZING RUST I HAVE EVER CUT MY SKIN AGAINST

ASK ME IF IT STILL HURTS
ASK ME IF IT WAS COMFIER SLEEPING IN MINE OR THE HOSPITALS BED
ASK ME, EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER
ASK ME, FOR THE 25TH TIME IF I DID IT BECAUSE OF YOU
ASK ME IF YOU CAN MAKE IT BETTER
(YOU CANT)
DONT PRETEND YOU CARED OR CARE NOW
DONT THINK VISITING THAT ROOM THAT SMELT OF ANTIBIOTICS AND BLEACHED BED SHEETS WOULD MAKE WHAT YOU DID ANY BETTER
DONT THINK THAT YOU CAN FIX WHAT YOU DID NOW
BECAUSE THE HOSPITAL STITCHED UP WHAT YOU COULDNT

i wonder about the gathered pressure behind your teeth at 2am
Remember when we would gather by the church behind your house and joke about the god everyone foolishly admired
You always questioned why no one praised you
And you loved it whenever girls kneeled down for you
I started to fear you in 7th grade
And you liked that
You were greater than the man nailed to the cross
You had all the attributes and then some
But the pressure behind your teeth must have a sole cause
Was it because  
The girls wouldn't get on their knees for you anymore
They were scraped and ****** from your unfinished, carpet less basement
And did their heads hurt from your fluorescent lights
Were your hands too rough one day
Did they do something wrong
To cause your sudden outbreak
Because the fear people felt for you was no longer innocent
It was twisted and malevolent like your intestines
I bet you wanted to rip mine out