I used to swallow my pride all the time just for you but now i swallow pills that appear to be bigger than your fist
objects in the mirror are actually closer than they appear
And you were closer than you appeared
Because I thought when you were next to me you were there to keep me company
But you became apart of me instead
And I didn't give you permission but that didn't stop you
I wonder what would stop you
Maybe that car that crashed into yours while you were going 40 miles over the speed limit
You have more alcohol in your body than blood
I have more of you in my body than blood
There was so much blood
I love(d) you

No matter how long you sink your palms into the barbed wire of her cheekbones
You'll come out bleeding one way or another
I think my legs around your waist will be the best part about waking up
And the worst will be reminiscing it a few months later when I'm all alone
Your veins are so prominent like your opinion on war
And looking into your eyes is glaring into the barrel of a gun
I'm not sure when they'll go off but I will wait patiently
I will appreciate you
Because you are beauty and that is something I've never been recognized by

I COMPOSE THESE LONG DRAWN OUT LETTERS IN AN EFFORT TO WIN YOU BACK. I WANT TO WIN YOU LIKE AN ARCADE GAME. ARCADE FIRE IS YOUR FAVORITE BAND. YOU THINK THEIR BEST SONG IS CROWN OF LOVE. I STILL WEAR THE CROWN OF FLOWERS YOU MADE ME. THEYRE ALL DEAD NOW, BUT DONT WORRY I STILL ADMIRE IT. I THINK IM DEAD BUT NOT IN THE WAY WHERE MY BODY SMELLS OF CHEMICALS AND BLOOD NO LONGER COURSES THROUGH MY VEINS. TRUST ME, I CAN STILL STILL FEEL IT POUNDING THROUGH MY HEART WHENEVER I HEAR YOUR NAME. YOUR NAME TASTED SO GOOD IN MY MOUTH BUT NOW I RARELY SAY IT IN FEAR IT WONT BRING YOU BACK BUT BRING BACK ALL THE MEMORIES. THOSE MEMORIES ARE HARD TO ERASE NO MATTER HOW MUCH ALCOHOL I CONSUME. YOU CONSUMED ME. I AM TYPING ALL THESE THINGS DOWN EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS EVERY TIME I PRESS A KEY. YOU DONT HAVE THE KEY TO MY HEART. YOU THREW IT AWAY WITH 3 EMPTY BOXES OF NEWPORTS AND A PAMPHLET ABOUT HOW TO ACCEPT JESUS CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR. IS THAT HOW YOU CALCULATE MY WORTH? A BAD HABIT AND A RELIGION YOU DONT BELIEVE IN? I AM BAD NOW, I AM EXPIRED LIKE THE MILK YOU BOUGHT BUT NEVER DRANK. BUY A SHEET OF GLASS AND BREAK IT INTO 2 PIECES. DRIVE ONE INTO MY HEART AND ONE INTO MY HEAD SO YOU CAN PROUDLY SAY YOU CAUSED ME AS MUCH PHYSICAL PAIN AS MENTAL.

MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL MEAN MORE THAN A SIGH AND WALK IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION
MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL AMOUNT TO SOMETHING GREATER THAN THE WEIGHT THAT CALLS YOUR CHEST ITS HOME
MAYBE ONE DAY MY LIP WILL HALT ITS QUIVERING WHILE YOU ARE IN MY PRESENCE
MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL BE ABLE TO GLANCE AT OUR PHOTOS AND NOT FEEL A LUMP THE SIZE OF YOUR FIST IN MY THROAT
MAYBE ONE DAY I WILL OVERCOME THE URGE TO PLUNGE INTO THE SEA WITH A BOULDER TIED MY LEG AND LET THE SHARKS RIP ME TO PIECES EVEN THOUGH THEY WILL NEVER COMPARE TO THE PAIN YOU INFLICTED UPON ME
BUT UNTIL THEN I WILL WAIT FOR THIS TO PASS LIKE THE STORM YOU WERE NAMED AFTER
I KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE HERE TO REPAIR THE WRECK

Questions I never asked you:
You were always a firm believer in Jesus. Tell me, if I had nailed myself to a cross would you have looked at me with the same love and admiration? Did I not live up to your expectations? Did I reach just below the bar your car crashed into 2 summers ago? Did you taste the blood that had spewed out when your head hit the windshield along with regret and uncertainty? Were all those years you spent trying to prepare for the future instead of living in the present worth it? Before you were knocked unconscious, did my face flash through your head? Do you find it ironic that the person you praised and adored took your life from you, without a warning? Isn't it funny that this love is a one way street? You poured all of yourself into someone who didn't give a drop of them self to you. You ran yourself dry, and I was willing to quench you but you didn't allow me.

They called me today and told me you were dead
I smoked 2 packs
They said you were sad for awhile
I took a 2 hour shower till my flesh felt like it was burning off
They asked me if I needed someone to talk to
I talked to 2 people, your mother and myself
They held a funeral; open casket
I took 2 deep breaths when I looked at your cold and lifeless body
They asked if I still miss you
I threw 2 lamps as my answer
They told me id be okay eventually
I hope they were right
But it's been 2 years since you've been gone and nothing's gotten better
The showers are getting longer; I don't mind the pain in comparison to missing you
I remember your closed eyelids and blue veins prominent underneath the harsh lighting you layed under
I have not replaced the lamps
I have not replaced you

This is a poem about the night you dropped acid
this is a poem about the night you told me everything and  meant it
this is my self doubt
this is a sweaty palmed handshake
this is a speech you gave the class you only half believed in
i do not amount to much
i believe this as well as others but i am trying to equal to something great
this is a hallucination
this is a ****** overthinked poem
this is a representation of me