8:01 am
i kiss my cigarette
like i would kiss you
if you were here

10:31 am
i'm scratching your name
into the wood of my desk
as if it were my arm

11:56 am
winter weather isn't nearly as cold as my heart
when i'm missing you

1:07 pm
we take notes on love
i'm writing love letters to you
in iambic pentameter instead

4:09 pm
as i'm heading home
my heart wonders if yours missed mine
as much as mine missed yours

11:12 pm
i missed 11:11
but it's all right
because you have no way of getting here anyway

2:36 am
you're asleep and i'm imagining your heartbeat
pressed against my back and your steady breathing in my ear
the way it would be if i could sleep too

3:41 am
are you dreaming of me
the way i'm dreaming of you?

5:59 am
i don't have to text you goodnight
because i'll be dreaming of you anyway

I think something ****** is going to happen soon. I'm smoking myself to death and I can't sleep anymore. I'm apathetic and I'm dizzy and my music won't go loud enough. nicotine is ****. nicotine is tearing me apart. I'm tearing myself apart and I don't know about anything anymore I guess. things just sort of happen and I sort of hate myself for letting things happen the way they did. I'm kind of taking people out of my life one by one and I'm scared I'm going to take you out too. my hands won't stop shaking and my teeth won't stop chattering but the only thing cold about me is my heart. I think I'm going crazy. and that's that. that's life. people go crazy. I need to leave my house. I need to leave this city. I need to leave. I need to disappear and I need to not be me anymore. I understand your fears now but I still don't understand mine. I guess there's a sort of bitterness that no one will ever understand me quite like you but people out there understand you better than I do. I'm angry and I'm upset. maybe you never cared about me in the way I cared about you. i need to sleep. I need to breathe. I need to breathe you. I need everything to stop spinning and I need to throw up. this isn't an apology to anyone but myself. this isn't a suicide note but I'm killing myself. I'm not slitting my wrists but I'm killing the person I was. you won't miss me. you'll miss the things about me that made you feel human. maybe I could be you but I've already tried that and I just ended up overdosing on a perpetual hatred for myself that didn't stop until I walked outside and sat in the snow for hours watching cars pass and hoping one of them was yours. there are hands touching hands in my head and they're not yours. I never dream about you anymore. I dream about us. I dream about kissing you. and sometimes I wonder if you're real or if you're in my head because it's impossible to believe someone so perfect could exist. but you're not perfect. **** I hate you. you're so far from perfect. but your smile burns into my skin like a cigarette burn and your flaws tear me apart but they put me back together again and I can't tell whether I love or hate you for that. do I hate you so much that I love you or do I love you so much that I hate you? some part of you makes me you. some part of you makes me me. I feel sick and dizzy. you're not here to hold me up and call me an idiot but in my head you are. in my head you're always here. I wonder if you would love me even if I were someone else. I wonder if we would have met if I were born an entirely different person. [WAIT. they don't love you like I love you.] ****. no. ****. ****. ****. ****. it's okay but it's not okay. I'm going to die here and no one is going to tell you because you're so far away. I wish I could be dying in your arms but I wish I didn't wish that. I wish I didn't wish anything. you're a shooting star at 11:11 and I'm a disease killing myself and everyone around me because love is just kinda funny like that. maybe I should sleep but I'm afraid I won't dream of you because I'm never as close to you as I am in my dreams even though I like real you better than dream you. I'm going to sleep but while I sleep please know that I'm sorry and that I'm trying for you. I'm going to get better for you and only you because no one else could make me feel so mentally stable and unstable at the exact same time. this isn't hello just yet but it isn't goodbye either. it's just a for now.

you know that feeling when it's late at night
and your head is screaming, "you'll never be enough for anyone"?

or when it's early in the morning
and you can't sleep because you're dreaming that you're alive?

you know when you're alone in your room
and the doors are locked and blood is spilling from your wrists?

you know when you're in a room full of people
and you can't breathe because you feel so alone?

or when your friends are talking excitedly about their futures
and you're sitting there hoping you have none?

or when they ask you to go out with them
and you can't because gravity is pulling you down into your mattress?



                                                      i guess i never thought i would know.

2:03 am

the skyline of the city illuminates my mind.
the skyline of the city is my mind.
the brightest part of the city is where i keep my memories of you and i.
the dimmest part of the city is where i keep everything i'd like to forget.
the wind sweeps through the city the way you sweep through my mind.
it sends a chill up my spine and it pushes in between memories.
you're like the wind;
no matter how hard i try to avoid you, i can't.
you're everywhere i go, so i may as well enjoy it.
like kids fly kites on windy days, i hold your hand on chilly, winter days.
you shoot me a look and i'm shrugging, 'it's cold.'
the moon towers over the city like some sort of all knowing essence.
(i guess if i believed in God, He would be the moon.)
the moon always reminded me of my sister.
watching over me and understanding when i thought she wouldn't.
smiling down on me and coaxing me to believe it's okay.
you can see the river from the balcony.
where i drown my thoughts.
eternal river of the spotless mind; i'll forget you if it kills me.
you won't come back.
i can't stop staring down at the city.
and i'm thinking, "i wish i could go."
i wish i could escape.
anywhere, everywhere.

the city is my mind.
i can't stop thinking.
and i'm wondering if it's possible to leave your mind.

i am alone.
    no really, this time i am.
there's nobody else here.
   be careful what you wish for.
nobody to stop me
    i can't be saved from myself.
i am going          to crack


        blood will spill
from these
                    pretty white wrists
onto         the bathroom          floor
my    mom                     spent
    so         much time        working on
to make perfect
            unlike
her imperfect
                   daughter


mom i'm sorry
you had to come home to this
mom i'm sorry
i could never be what you wanted
mom i'm sorry
i've caused you so much pain
mom i'm sorry
for making you pick up the pieces
mom i'm sorry
i smashed them after you finally go them back together

dad
you were never here
but i know you wanted to be
and i'm sorry you couldn't
i'm sorry
i never appreciated you
(i'm sorry
i failed you, too)

i'm sorry
i thought you could fix me
and got angry
when you couldn't
and left.
i'm sorry
i caused you so much pain
and blamed it all on you.
i'm sorry
i'm not who i promised you
i would be.
i'm sorry
i never came back
even though i promised i'd never leave
i'm sorry
for every single thing
i ever did to you

                                                                                   "don't be sorry"
                                                                             yeah, okay.

i wonder what life would have been like
if we had worked out
i wonder if i'd be miserable
or you'd be miserable
i wonder how long it would take us
to hate each other
(i wonder if you hated me when you broke up with me)
i wonder if i was ever good enough for you
or if you were ever good enough for me
i'm sorry about your dad, too
                                                                                         i hope i don't see him when i go

you killed me
you took the blade
and you ran it down my skin
you pierced it
you watched
and you decided it wasn't enough
you took a sharper one
and even though i was still bleeding
you ran it down my arm

                                                                                                     "i'm sorry for hurting you."
                                                                                    if that were true, you would have stopped.

and this time
there is nothing stopping me
and i can feel it
and i can see it
but then
   i remember
               her

(and i can't
do any of it)

so i take a breath
and the razor falls
and i am not alone
        *not this time