there's a blood-soaked version of me
who holds many bittersweet memories
she comes alive sometimes
to cry for things that didn't survive
until someone shoots her dead.

one would ask
"Was that a question?"

and I would respond
"No?"

after going slow,
I have a habit.
after
being held back
for a long while

I
like to go fast.
too fast.

I
press forward.
and love how
things are torn into
unsteady motion.

so I feel.
once I am set
free,
I will
run to
you
and say
'**** it'
to all that was okay
and make it
chaotic.

there's...
benefits of
having a protected
life.
having
so-called
‘helicopter parents’.

Guarantee
of 'I Will Be Safe'

But

sometimes I do not
want
safety.
I want
Risk
Danger
Excitement
and...
You

I can have that, they tell me
Just get around the
Cameras.

But.

They move.
Things are taken away.
And so I sit in my room.
Staring at the
ceiling.
It shows me scenes of
music
lights
dark
bodies
and...
You.

the
distance
between us
is
physically put,
an
ocean.

If it weren't for
that,
we'd be
inseparable.

you
didn't say good bye
when you left
yesterday
so
I
said it
for you.

by the
time you
remembered
I was
gone

even in the unreal, I'd be with you like a fantasy
for the better or worse, the monsters that I'd fall in love with would become yours~
no touch would be the same, but the wind was so strong
I don't understand if I'm alive or dreaming, or if I'm dead and conscious
the sounds of the day whisper until they're faded and the words that are screaming inside awaken for sure
writhing like snakes, most are scared of them
but I writhe with them and fall to the ground as giddy as the laughing clouds
I find myself warm and almost sweating, but my hands are cold
and the body I'm placed in is thin
I wish to grow antlers as a wild child would
I'd laugh but what if the tears fall with the sound of my chuckles?
so many words, and they too like the wind...are so strong
the music might stop but there's the echo only I could hear
and wish to share with the people I find myself connected to
the heartstrings vibrate in that rhythm
but they did not hear what I did
the one who does is you, my love~~
in which I will not let the song forget
as it grips me, and I grip at it eagerly
even as I am pushed and tilted
crooked and tired
but in the end it is there
is heaven and hell what I wish for? ...it is not...I wish for a forest with the song
the thorns hurt, a bit of hell, and the leaves tickle, a touch of heaven...
but it is still not limbo, I feel unbalanced~
forever more
I do not wish for
let me close my eyes
do not allow forever peace or forever torture
I wish for dreams
not the same as I experience today
tomorrow
or the days beyond
and so as I think these
I will ponder as a fae would a fly
she is so blurry
the lucid
the weak
the lucidly glass
I want to run
but lie down
let my soul fly
as my heart rests
in a flower bed of the finest
but yet the firs
and the stars
don't let me disappear
they tell me
I don't know who listens...
things are changing, I want to respond
but the glitter they possess is far the way nevertheless
the way the visions vibrate, seemingly shifting, like it doesn't trust me
or maybe it is I...that doesn't have faith that I'm here
should I tell someone, I wonder, but they don't see it
I'll bite my tongue and wander instead~
and let myself dwell in fantasy, the unreal
and ignore the angel who says wake up
because I'll be gone to the forest in a while anyway
and it wouldn't even press them
for the black and white
doesn't compare to the vivids