I watched as your back
arched inhumanly in every possible way,
your spine seemed to be made out of gum
yet your body was so tense,
I touched you and felt the same exact way
I felt when I hit the cold and hard surface of ice rink
for the very first time
except
your body was burning hot,
and your face was so pale
and so shiny from the sweat
you looked like a most morbid porcelain doll
I've ever seen

Each second I anticipated for your head
to start turning in full circles
and I so badly wanted to press a crucifix
against your skin and to exorcise you,
to free you from embraces of the mightiest,
but the only cross you ever believed in
and feared
was the shining green cross of the pharmacy

There were times when your pills made you feel heavenly,
yet
I was eternally put through hell

We lay among leaves of grass
As the storm aproaches
Our skin sunkissed, glowing from sweat
Born both from passion and sweltering heat
The taste of sweet white wine
Still lingers in my mouth
As your tounge dances with mine
You stick a piece of straw into my hair
And it blends right in
As your eyes blend in with the sky

She said
“all that matters is what's inside”
and despite her best intentions
She might never realize
what a punch in the face
that sentence was
oh god, please
be superficial to me
judge my hair, my face,
the curve of my hips,
my double chin and my ***
oh god, I beg you
be superficial to me
because when you will look inside me
the things you will find
will be ****** guts
ugly
raw
filled with feces
and undigested past
oh for Christ's sake
be brutally superficial to me
because when you will move all of my guts away
when you will dig deep down
prune your way through
you will find out that I've got a demon inside

They say people never change
But they do

They rot
               decay
                         deteriorate

On a rare occasion
They repent

People change
Just never in a way we deserve

Chase the feeling

Try to name it
Try to tame it

My greatest mistake

The feeling never owned
Borrowed at best
At a massive interest rate

I gave a birth to a void in my chest
a black terrifying hole
and it began to **** everything in
all the light began to disappear inside
and the void was unbearable
but then
it stopped
and everything was gone
and I was the void
and I felt nothing
and no one could feel me
and even if they dared
I would **** them in right away

I wanted to cut off his hands
and I wanted to cut off mine even more
wanted to start with the finger tips
work my way up
and stab myself in the heart
and twist the knife
in the most wicked ways

I want someone to love me so hard
It will soothe everything that is aching in me
I want someone to love me so hard
It will make me believe that I could be loved at all

Our love lays in an unmarked grave
Covered with autumn leaves,
Wrapped in unsent letters

I tend to it secretly, silently
I make pacts with Gods I don't believe in,
I pray to Gods who execrate me

But you
You dance around it
Shouting about your new love
The best one you ever had,
The first one you ever had

I will never write a love poem about you
Incapable of creating beauty
Words included 
I will never write a poem about you
Considering I am a 
Self-absorbed 
Attention seeking 
*****
I only ever write about myself
Incapable of creating beauty

Sitting in a dark corner of a nearly empty bar
Your arms wraped around me
My body stiff
I confessed to you
Sometimes 
I write poems
you were not suprised
I seem like a person writing for a praise
Actually 
I write
Because I am unable to afford therapy 
And I will never write a love poem about you
Because I do not need another reason to see a therapist

I'm yet to decide
Are you harmless or heartless,
A human or a ghost?

Either way
I won't be left hurtless

Sorrow sowing,
Heart harvesting

For the first time
I put salt in the soil
None in my eyes,
None on my wounds

We meet again

Torn apart like a hull

We meet again

In the middle of a furious sea


Oh how naive

To think we would never meet again

Oh how naive

To think I would never dip into you again

Welcome to the palace of the deepest truth
Where everything is physical, except of you
Where your demons greet you like you're one of them
There're hundreds of corpses
and even more ghosts
Yet you're the most translucent one
Yet you're the one of the kind
Welcome to the palace of the deepest truth
Where every door leads to the panic room,
Where all the light switches awake the dark in you
Welcome to the palace of the deepest truth
Where you're a king and a slave too
With crown of thorns and a velour throne
Where your heart is burning
Yet you're cold
Welcome to the palace of the deepest truth
From where you can only leave
On your knees
with scraped out eyes
Or not at all

I crawl underneath the bed to cry in solitude
Even though I've been here alone
Four months straight
And I sleep levitating five feet above myself
Because I can feel your weight in my bed
I bet there is still a mark on your bedroom's floor
Where I laid and succumbed to the charms of death
When you told me, when you told me...
Yet for you it is a chunk of wood
No different from your desk or the cross on the wall
No chalk, no tape, no monument
Is it wrong to wonder if you'd cry at my funeral?
Or what kind of flowers would you bring?
I wish I could wander
The doors are open
But there is no getting out
I'm the architect of my own cage
And I still don't manage to escape

Your love
is a rhythm
which my movements never quite fit

Your love
is a river
that keeps escaping its bed

Your love
is a home
no key is able to unlock

Your love
is no longer
My love

I prefer not to ever touch you
Not in the most gentle of ways
If I muster the courage to embrace you
With all my body's particles
Or even trace your afterimage
With the very tip of my finger
I will cling onto you so tightly, so firmly
Like a stray dog gifted a bone
So fearful of it being snatched away,
So consumed by the vigilance
It never allows itself to eat

If I ever touch you
I will adhere every piece of me
To every piece of you
When even the quanta will no longer be keeping us apart
I will find a way of getting closer
Till we become a closed system
Your blood is now mine, my bile is now yours
And no longer do we have a space for breathing
Time has come to look ourselves in the eyes and drift away
If the space and time have not yet ceased to exist
As I cannot decide whether the "ten" I have been here
Should be counted in seconds or rather in light years
Or attempt to describe what "here" is

I prefer not to ever touch you
Not in the most gentle of ways

The next time I faintly smile goodbye
I beg you
Do not frown
But thank me

My face alternates
Lit by the rays
Then
Drowned in darkness

I pass drowsily by the fence
Of your childhood home
Nothing feels real
And neither do I
Now that you are gone
And never coming back

Oh my little aristocrat
Oh my bravest dove
Creatures like you
They are never supposed to die

I want to sink into your arms
I want to whimper, I want to weep
I want to bawl, spasm and scream
I want to sink

I want to penetrate your skin
I want to hide between your kidney and your spleen
I want to anchor myself in the safety of your reach
I want to
Sink.