She never was a swimmer
Although she's had plenty of practice
Drowning in her tears.
Her face, it's beautiful
The streaks glisten like crystals
And her smile is as pure as gold.
From the outside
They would never be able to tell
That she looks for happiness at the bottom
Of a bottle of Pinnacle.
They would never know
That her family is falling apart
That her ex-boyfriend left her for dead
And no one was there to save her.
To them, she is a star
But stars are just ***** of gas and fire
With unstable compositions
Always running the risk of an explosion.
She's just running around
Trying to get some answers
Trying to understand herself
And how she let this happen.
She needs a cushion
A pillow
A blanket
Or maybe someone else
To fall smoothly and swiftly into
As she completely breaks down.

I just can't handle this
I am a sinking ship
Going down with every hit I give and take.

Who is this person?
Tears flow so freely
I cannot control this emotion
I am in limbo

This constant motion of
Having to be enough
Has suddenly come to an abrupt halt.

With every purge
I lose a little bit more of my control.
With every drag
I lose a little bit more of my sanity.
With every cut
I lose a little bit more of myself.

So who am I?
Who am I?
Who am I?

.   .   .

"I am not
Me"

I am a royal **** up.
I fall apart regularly
It has become normal
For tears to well
For my heart to swell
For I live with too much passion
And not enough practicality.
I'm sorry for being your daughter
I'm sorry for being sick
I'm sorry for destroying this family.
You are ashamed of my life
And I am too.

Disappointing you
as only you can see me through
is the only thing I'm mildly good at
I hope if you think of me, you forget that
so I take this razor to my skin
I let myself feel the sting
regretfully, I let this blade
dance it's way across my wrist
my worries start to fade
finally, I have my fix.
in love, in lust, in hate
it carves a phrase
**** up
is what it reads
dear god I miss the old me
the one who would never harm herself
the one who was not a living hell
the one who would never punish a child
for the way her body was defiled
something that was out of her control
but she refuses to let go
so now she falls to her knees
as her every emotion bleeds
from every gaping hole in her body
her tears sting her arm so harshly
for as she loses her will to fight
an angel goes back to heaven tonight.

Finding excuses to binge and purge
Is ever so easy
I have to use the bathroom anyways
I am lonely
It is my only escape
Finding reasons not to
Is a whole lot harder.
Everybody makes mistakes
I have people who love me.
I am enough
Am I enough?
I just keep looking for reasons to say
*Yes, I am.

Childhood**
What was it?
At first glance
It may be an innocent depiction
Of playing in the streets
Until way past dusk

Running anywhere and everywhere
Scraped knees
Bicycle races
Talent shows
Swimming pools

Is that my childhood?
Perhaps
But that is not what I remember.

I recall
Being violated
Humiliated
Shamed into eating less than the other kids
Or eating nothing at all.

Being told I'm fat
Being bullied at school and at home
Holding onto secrets
That literally made me sick
With headaches and stomaches.
I was predisposed to extreme stress
And all of it's physical symptoms.

All of that innocence
Was taken from my ***** little fingers
I was forced to take accountability
For things that were done to me

I learned about things
That no child should know
And yet
They wonder why I blame myself?
I guess these are just the perks
Of growing up.

That cynical sense of humor
That sarcastic disposition
Yet, a certain sadness infects
The "I don't give a ****" attitude
Are you reading me yet?
There's something ironic
Something insane
About how someone who is that insecure
Could be so ridiculously vain.

I wish I knew
The reason you stopped trying
To find any remains
Of the body you left behind
Your beautiful soul still lingers
Could I be the reason?
I should have noticed, right?
I was always there for you
Oh, how I wish you knew
You do not go away
And I miss you day by day.
Six months is a long time
It feels like I got the news yesterday
My mind is jumbled with questions
Like
Why is it always the ones that everybody loves
That have to leave too soon?
I miss you, forever
But somehow
Over this last half a year
I have discovered more about myself
Than I ever could have imagined.
Thank you for giving me that opportunity
Even if it was painful for everyone.
But we all embraced each other's agony
And you taught us that lesson.
I may never stop missing you
But I will also
Never stop thanking you.

I met the Bishop on the road
And much said he and I.
'Those ******* are flat and fallen now,
Those veins must soon be dry;
Live in a heavenly mansion,
Not in some foul sty.'

'Fair and foul are near of kin,
And fair needs foul,' I cried.
'My friends are gone, but that's a truth
Nor grave nor bed denied,
Learned in ****** lowliness
And in the heart's pride.

'A woman can be proud and stiff
When on love intent;
But Love has pitched his mansion in
The place of excrement;
For nothing can be sole or whole
That has not been rent.'