Sometimes
When there is suddenly this little lump in my throat
and my vision goes blurry
I tell myself:
"It's okay."

I don't realise that I have been lying to myself for
way
too
long.
Truth is
"It's not okay."

I watch sad videos in front of you guys
and cry
and then I realise that it's not the video that's
sad.
It's because they are excuses for me to cry.

I know people care for me
I know people worry about me
I know people want me to change
I Know.

So I'm really sorry guys,
I've been holding these emotions for way too long
way
too
long.
Trying to lie to myself that everything is fine
Trying to tell myself that things will get better
Trying to tell myself that it's okay.

I've been trying.
I really have.
I've been trying to fake a smile through everything
Doesn't mean I don't say anything,
I don't feel anything.
I know you guys are hurt by me too
and that I shouldn't blast at you
and treat you like punching bags
but
honestly I don't want it to happen too.

You guys say I can always confide to you
and you guys will always be there for me
but there's too many things I need to say
and these words form that little lump in my throat.
I can't find anyone I can confide to.
"My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom into constellations."
They all have their own problems and the last thing I want
is to have them worry about me.
They worry when I hurt them too
and I don't want that to happen.


So I guess I'll just keep quiet.


I'm sorry guys,
I'm not going to say anything about my problems
and not say anything mean to you.
Don't worry about me anymore.
I will let that little lump in my throat
get washed away from the tears
and the little streams of optimism I still have.
Though these streams are drying up
from the emotions that have continuously been
heated up.

Her words were like the edge
of knives
threatening my throat
She came down at me
Continuously
Unceasingly
Endlessly.
and everything black and white would
spill in the form of mauled speech.
and I
would be left in a pool of words that could craft
the speech of a joker.
And these... knives
not only gave me continents of pain with just its paper fine edge
but took away my dignity on the horizon of its merciless surface.

The sight of him won't knock me off my feet like Alp's wind,
but just enough to make baby breaths blossom
at the edges of my heart.
But baby breaths don’t last long.
for they wither with every second I float up
to the surface of realization, a realization of how stupid I was,
to let myself fall into the dark depths so easily.
He hated how I looked.
He hated how I laughed.
He hated how I’m so loud.

They treated me as an outcast.
It was just because I couldn’t quite tame my hairstyle,
Couldn’t quite do a proper split.
Couldn’t quite get satisfy everyone's idea of a perfect skirt length.
Couldn’t quite paint my nails without getting some out of the pale pink space.
Couldn’t quite have a meal and not ending up having greasy lips.
They wore hair spray that suffocated me with trend and fake personalities.

People ask me
Is there really not a single thread of grudge restraining at your heartstrings?
Why don't you push her head and force her to drown in her own insults?
Why not ruffle up his hair and tell him this fitted him better than his cheap hair gel?
That their hair sprays and make-up were just explicitly a futile effort?

I answer them
Indeed, there are grudges restraining at my heartstrings
But an eye for and eye makes the world go blind.
Though I care for my dignity
In which she has torn apart
My confidence
In which he has demolished
My reputation
In which they have successfully destroyed,
I have found boldness to forgive them.

I looked at her,
Everyone labeled her mean.
She hurt everyone that came her way too
With her crude words
But no one saw
The cuts on her wrists,
How her eye bags got worse each day
And how she starved herself each day,
Getting scrawnier as the clock ticks by.

I glanced at him,
He has never gotten good grades
I know he is working really hard
To make his parents happy
But
I wonder if his parents work hard for him or
If they drink a lot or
If they are too demanding
I know his shoes have holes in them because
When it rains he always complains about wet socks.
Maybe he feels so out casted because he has too little.

I stared at them as they walked down the hallway
Everyone sees them strutting
But deep inside, they are running
Running away from the lives that they have been living in for too long.
Parents who each have 70% of their body fluid made up of alcohol
Some of them don’t even have a complete family they can go back home to.
Running away wasn’t easy
When their feet are bind by the immense pressure
Of an incomplete family
They could only find comfort in the weaknesses of other people
And indulging in a fake persona

Bold from all the insuppressible emphasis
To let go
Those words and actions
Were untold stories
That only their pride could hide
And they might not know
For I don't need to read them inside out
Just turn them over, watch their back, read their blurbs, and learn that no matter how terrible, every story is a story worth to appreciate.

Dearest Isaac,

How are you?
It's been seven years since I last saw you.
Even now I still feel blue,
Thinking 'bout all that you've been through.

I wonder if
You are now an angel,
An eternal break
From the world that is cruel.

I wonder if
I'm hallucinating,
'Cause I sometimes see
Your face in the stars.

Oh, they don't know
The reason I cry,
I still can't forget,
No matter how hard I try.

Oh, they won't know
The pain I feel,
From losing a brother,
It's way too real.

The moment you left us,
My world started spinning.
It was the very first time
I saw everyone crying.

Throwback to the day when you first fell silent
And couldn't walk a step anymore.
Your face turned so unusually pale,
Though your body was burning,
You could no longer wail.

Replaced with all those days in bed,
Your school days came to an abrupt end,
I could only tell from your empty eyes,
You wished to return and be with your friends.

From the innocent little child I was,
Till now I still don't know the reason,
Why you could no longer
Move or speak
Or play our favorite games together.

I don't ask why,
I know the answers:
Buckets of tears
And sad-looking faces.

Maybe a war had broken out in your body,
Making you all weak and bony.
Oh, the pain that gave you torture,
It turned your world dark,
It's such a terror.

Since the year that you were gone,
My first birthday wish is to see you again.
I know that ashes can't come to life,
But I really want you back.

I struggle so hard to keep our family lively,
For I don't wish to repeat of our grief.
Nobody knows at all,
How hard it is to stay strong.
I sometimes break down,
My tears buried in my pillow.

People wonder why I'm too obsessed with perfection.
But how can I not be,
When this is my duty?

I cannot let them lose another hope,
Though my spark is dimmer than yours.
I cannot let them go through the same pain,
I cannot bear to see it happen.

Here I finally reveal,
The reason why I have to live on,
No matter how dark things might seem.

What word is there,
For a parent who lost their child,
Or a sister who lost her brother?
I really can't find any grief worse than this.

Whenever I feel like giving up,
On things that make life so knotty,
I am reminded of my brother
Who wanted to live so badly,
To live another day.
But then at age nine,
The Lord took him home.

Now that I can live,
Why should I not?
I should treasure each day,
Till the moment I get taken away.

Up there in heaven,
I'm sure you are happy,
Wearing the robe of true purity.

Rest assured,
We're doing fine.
Though you're not here with us,
You live within our hearts.

You've fought a good fight,
You've finished the race.
I look forward to the day
I can meet you again.

With lots of love,
Your sister

There's the eight of us,
So very different
But yet so much the same.

Each of us holds our special traits.
Our special talents
Converged as an octet.

Some artistic
Some scientific
Some linguistic and
All fantastic.

We love to laugh,
We love to tease,
We love to make a fool of ourselves.

We know there's one who's always there,
Spraying water everywhere,
But never lets people touch her hair.

And then there's one,
Who's buff and tough,
Her voice can change like a chameleon's skin.

Next we have this pretty babe,
Her furry stuff are fun to touch,
She's the gentlest, loveliest llama I know.

Not to forget,
The one's that's brainy,
Such a smarty that she can't type properly.

There's also one that I believe
She's really a mermaid in disguise,
Her actions way too ridiculous.

Of course we have this crazy kid,
Too many fandoms and too little sleep.
I still wonder why she needs her hood all the time.

And here there's another girl,
With real beautiful eyes,
A perfect actress for sketch comedies.

Last but not least,
There's just me,
I can't find a word for my personality.

I don't know how far we'll go,
If we'll still stay as close as we are right now.
As time cruelly marches on,
The day we'll part ways draws so near.

This part of me knows
That this magical bond
That we call friendship,
Will live on forever and ever.

Never did I feel so sure,
So confident about friendship.
But you guys are so special,
I really hope you know.

No matter what happens,
I see myself with you all forever,
And you all with me.

I believe in this friendship.
This magical bond,
That holds the eight of us,
Closely together,
Forever.

Huge questions cloud my mind,
They're all about this thing called "life".
When I'm all alone,
I sit and think,
And think and think.
What does it mean?

People say there are second chances,
But how come I just don't seem to see them myself?
It seems like I'm the one who gives
You chances and chances
And chances again.

But how come when I take a wrong turn,
I can never go back the right way again?
I steer so hard with all my might,
But I can never see the light.

All I know is that I am
Approaching the edge of a dangerous cliff.
I know I am about to
Fall.

I still believe in miracles,
I put in all my efforts,
I do all I can,
I visualise,
I actualise,
And then I pray.
But I never get what I want to get.

Maybe I just need to be patient,
With myself and with the rest of the world.
Maybe I need to triple my efforts.
So when I fall again,
I'll still be quite safe.

Oh why, oh why, oh why?
I'm working so hard to rise again.
But maybe one day,
I would.

Now this question comes back to my head,
Is it too late to start again?
If it really isn't,
Then I will fight on.
To rise again from my serious fall.

I'll start from zero,
All again.