I am 18 miles from the starting point and my car is made of broken bones and yellow bruises.
The paint is flaking off in all the wrong places and my tongue still hurts when I try to twist it in the shape of you.
I've been trying to get the dirt out from under my fingernails for days now, but there's not a big enough vacuum for me to open all my doors and clean up my insides.
It hurts to miss an exit. It hurts to break too fast but it stings to break too slow. The radio doesn't work anymore and I'm stuck with static where my favorite noises used to be.
I am soaking in my own gasoline and I'm 3 sips of break fluid away from lighting a cigarette - you always thought I wanted to go out with a bang.

*** interrupts my mind and
brings me in closer to my tiny self
please stop touching me,
i won't act the same tomorrow morning no matter how hard i try

i am the one taking and taking and taking from myself,
do not ever blame anyone but me

this is depression
when you try to curl your legs so close to your chest that you can no longer hear yourself breathing
this is the moment when you either puke or pass out
i over think and regret every sudden movement i have ever made whether it brought me closer or farther to you.
folks, we're at the panic stage,
please keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,
be careful,
hold tight,
and although i know i'm not responsible for the fight or flight feeling in my chest
i still feel like i could have prevented it by
******* pretending you meant everything you meant to me up until a year ago
six months ago
a week ago
****

this blood on my stomach makes it hard to go unnoticed

red splotches rising through the fabric of that shirt I borrowed from you and said I'd return but didn't

it smelled too much like you to let it go but now with these pools of embarrassment soaking in
I have a sinking feeling I'll have to wash you out of it
but maybe I'll get used to the absence of the stench of cheap alcohol and ****** cigarettes and maybe if I use enough bleach,
I'll never have to see you again

i guess i thought that i could learn how to drink away this lump in my throat

movies always taught me that when i turned 18, i would start shedding my skin and breaking down my walls but i didn't have any walls to tear down.
so i tried my hardest at age 18 to build them up, with the only things i had - boxes of matches
left over from burning down so many bridges

all because of some pieces of twisted metal,
i had to reteach myself how to drive.
and now i'm always 5 under the speed limit
i stop at every stop sign
no matter how angry i get

no one ever told me whether or not boxes of matches float
or why my neighborhood always looked so dark
and made me curl up like a dead spider

so now i stick my head in the freezer,
so i can get used to the feeling of my thoughts being so cold

now i kiss people just so we don't have to talk.

There are days
when I feel the glass
pressed against my face.

There are nights when I know
that I miss everyone more than they miss me,
and it changes the tide inside my stomach.

Sometimes, the moon is so big
and bright
that I can see my reflection.

i reached into myself today
tried to hide in music with short titles and short stories
only ate candy and sat on my bed criss cross apple sauce with a blanket only over my right knee
thought about learning the fiddle, or the saxophone
it's too hard to get up and get motivated when i'm skipping my classes every chance i get