I am hurt and confused but I shouldn’t say a word

I hurt you more, I hurt you first

I wasn’t aware, oh but you were

Yet I hurt you more, I hurt you worst

I gave her a face, pretty poise and graced,

I see it some nights, with yours in the way

But have the perfect retort for that, wouldn’t you say?

“How many times was I haunted by your mistake?!”

It’s frustrating when you say this is not what I deserved

When every reaction of yours screams it louder than any words

When every time I trip or fall

I’m reminded you tripped most of all

To forgive you is to forgive me

Can’t have that, can we?

You say I’m changed, yet you can’t say it’s okay

and you should know that’s all I need to hear you say

But that’s not how it works, is it?

It’s only okay when you’re in the right mood to dismiss it

But when I’m desperately clawing for air

and all I’m given is a handful of despair

I forget why I’m staying, it’s useless

Compared to this, death is much less ruthless

Welcome that voice inside your head
that you once refused to hear.
Hear those truths and certainties
that drown you in your fear.

So that nothing's left but to be best friends
with your own worst enemy.
Let her lead you all the way
to that elusive remedy.

Fight fire with fire, tears with tears
Drown in the truth that frightens you
Emerge devoid of doubt or fear
Stop resisting what you know is true

This friend of a friend won't shy from telling you
that which you need to hear.
That deadly bird of the soul will take you
to a place where all is clear.

No need to pretend for your own sake
Let slip your mask of sanity
But try hard as you might, you don't break
The shackles of her vanity.

Spring was meant to wash away winter’s decay
But a new season doesn’t mean a lack of reasons
Just a lack of reason, irrationally feeling suicidal
Tell somebody, they say you’re being whiny
Dramatic, stop complaining, you got it good
Why’re you trying to dig up pain?
Aren’t you tired of this game?

Well, see, it’s a game I can’t stop playing
It’s a mantra, words I can’t stop saying
They’re emotions I learned to stop displaying
It’s a beast in disguise, a part of my own mind
Ripping my head to shreds, telling me I’m better off dead

See, no matter what anybody tells you, you’re at it alone
It’s all *******, because the way they care is just a loan
Borrowed support,
But do this again and it’s just a cry for attention
Everybody feels this way and you’re no exception
Yeah, but everybody seems to be on their way to contention

And I’m just sitting here mulling over last year
Knowing if I told you, you’d disappear
Half an hour is time wasted
Any time trying with me is time wasted
Any time I’m not feeling alright is time wasted
And you forget what you said but trust me
Those were not words wasted

Indulgence in thoughts my abusive mind uses
To induce this confusion
That leads me to a crisis of loneliness
A license to use words of holiness
To rip to shreds any attempts
Made to get over this
Is all of this just indulgence?

No, these thoughts, they are
Worth being heard, being spoken
No matter how absurd, or broken
But not worth being kept
Or being nurtured like a pet
Like a cat that doesn’t stop biting and scratching
Regardless of all its visits to the vet
To snip off its claws
What am I governed by?
Self-proclaimed laws
That hold me back,
Peel at the wound till its raw
Again
Do I deserve this? Who’s to say?
Or is it good as long as he, she, they,
It, say it’s okay?
In chemistry, I would be amphoteric
Nothing generic, but I would rather be a salt
To end this aggressive assault
On my mind, from my unkind
Ness, leave it behind
Not forgotten, but put aside
I will remedy this sick mentality
With poise and gentle congeniality
Cure is not out there,
it’s a formula yet to be made,
And I will make it, alone
But you are welcome to participate

These lips find most things hard to articulate
This mind’s a flood; this mouth’s not the gate
God, with inner workings that just not right
How can these thoughts ever hope to see the light?

The problem’s not with words, of those I have plenty
The problem is trying to make them sound not so empty
Drag their meaning through breaking breaths
Maybe if I yell or scream they'll make sense?

When I can’t explain what’s wrong, I keep quiet
You know something’s wrong, yet you buy it
I let it fester inside, grow claws and take hold
And you end up regretting buying what I’ve sold

And the worst part comes when I write
And then my words finally shed light
I feel silly and stupid for making a mess
And you’re part relieved, part distressed

I guess now that I’ve put up the proverbial lens
Close to my mind, its inner workings make sense
They’re still wrong, I might be mad
But it seems my head’s wired not to my mouth
But to my hands.

Setting up rules and calling it quits
No pressure, no need to commit
No expectations, nothing else
We’re not ‘together’, so that should help

Help with what? Clear your mind?
So you can maybe talk to that demon inside
You know him, the one that hides
Tells you lies, sneaks in disguise
Messing up our lives
Making you think this happiness
Is not worth your time
Hurting you, tearing you apart
Making you act like you never had a heart
Telling you it’s fine to rip me to shreds
She can handle it, she’s got a strong head

You seem so surprised when I’m confused
When I think that your love was just a ruse
You thought I’d know all along what was going on?
You thought I could be the one who was strong?

You saw me fail time and again
I am weak now as I was weak then
I might’ve convinced you once or twice
That I was worth this lethal price
But it’s harder now to convince my self
I look in the mirror, pick up from the shelf
That journal that keeps all the murderous lines
Read it once, see that I’m not fine

Maybe it can’t be fixed, not this time
And to convince you that I’m worth it
Well, that would be a crime

Knotted up, paper thin
Left to my own device
Minutes pass abysmally
Citing no virtues and every vice

Maybe the reason I don’t feel like myself
is because I gave you, him, and them
all the pieces of me
and I have nothing left