I’m five percent of what I was
when I was somewhere near my peak
you can drag me to the trough
but I’ll probably never drink

you’re back now
but not quite how we imagined
you’re on the shelf now
with the things that never happened

you lit a fuse that once lay dormant in my side
and I came alive

you came to me in a dream last night
I touched the tips of your fingers with the tips of mine
unpacking boxes that you left behind
dusty, heavy, always nesting in my mind

Conversations with you, they continue
You timestamped yourself to my life
I remember before
and then after
I never had a chance to say bye

Conversations with you, they’re not lost
They get louder when I’m feeling lost
They’re wrapped up in your words
some I’ve never heard
They’re your colours and shapes behind glass

Conversations with you didn’t stop
These conversations with you make me strong
It’s all paper and pen or it’s your words in my head
But the comments from you
they’re not gone

Conversations with you, they continue
So I don’t think I’ll need to say bye
Through every word that I heard
your memory lives on
And when it’s quiet you live on through mine

you give me colors that I’ve never seen
you sit between the greys and greens
it’s never easy being lost at sea

i think about you often
the things we had in common
the things we shared across the seas
through tiny pixels on our screens

surely there's a weather warning somewhere in your head
hand in hand with you that morning storming through my chest

I  don't know you in your loneliness
I don’t know you in the throes of it
you stay quiet til the quiet fades
a deafening silence on my darker days

you don’t know me in the distant patches
you only see me when the clouds are passing
we're ignoring all the shades of pain
I only get you on your louder days
I only get you when you're wide awake

I don’t know you when you’re on your own
whereabouts does all your talking go?

I could never find my place amongst the farmers and the artists
I very nearly lost my way in this here market
My roots lay bare, exposed
The artistry, I'm told, is best to put on hold
A curator, so they say, is not an artist
Despite the bustling town, it was me who nearly drowned
When everything we built came crashing down
Except the weathered boards of this old house
I never found my place amongst the farmers and the artists
I very nearly lost my way in this back garden
Hey, at least we had a garden
It pays to have a garden

you were my north star
all words and a beating heart
you were the gauze that made the bleeding stop
the pause that made me fall apart

I still play the replay
like an old film in my mind
you were pointing North
so now I’m screaming at the sky

we're both scared to show our cores
and scared of repeating history
we're scared of all the patterns
that made us scared initially
you're scared that you're unworthy
and undeserving of my loyalty
but you're too proud to swallow pride
even when you're thirsty

I was the gateway
I opened the gates and stood patiently
I climbed to my fate
and fell between men who flaked on me

there's a birds nest on the prison fence
it’s all spikes breeding new life

you're still here and it's six am
why didn't your friends know who I was?
where do they think you went?

we'll never open a café in Brooklyn
but we can pretend
you've been sleeping in the spare room
but you play pretend

you kissed someone last night
in the streets of my city

you are the wings that span the night sky
two years, how they fly by

isn't this exactly what we came here for?
to listen to your records while we lie here on the floor
to make each other laugh until it hurts our lower backs
to lift each other up from the edges of the stuff
that made us both so scared to be in love

you felt like you were a film
something that couldn’t be real
you said you loved me in full
on a transpacific call
I didn’t believe you at all
I didn't believe you at all

you left brushing off the scent of me
you left debating where you’d rather be
I poured out our remaining drinks
on the balcony
down the sink
I’m reminded of the taste of you
you taste like love I never knew
you taste like a spiral of panic
you taste like a gin and tonic
you taste like maybe you meant it

I've been writing letters to my dead friends
sometimes they’re on paper but mostly in my head
wishing that my thoughts would bring them back again
even for a momentary laugh again

I felt alone amongst the A-lists and the A-grades
I would have rather been up North with you
I was smothered by the small talk and pretenders
I know that's something you related to

you're off somewhere
in a dream without me
I visualise a countdown
'til I leave
kiss your back
fall back to sleep

you clench your hand to make a fist
I'll just cover my palm over it

you were a floating brick
but you were a sinking ship
mistaken when you thought this world had had enough of you

you gave me wings so I don't doubt myself
wings like birds so I can fly
wings reserved for another time
wings for when I'm not so tired

I think I heard you smoking through the phone
as I walked along the river taking photos on my own
I want to show you how this city shines
and in the winter comes alive
even though I’m miserable
it’s a place I think you’d like
and I want to show you a place I think you’d like

you make me feel things
you make me feel things
like not even real things

Our thoughts are with you
By god I miss you

maybe we'll connect just one last time
let's leave our phones behind
and tell each other lies all night

do you remember how it feels
to have endorphins in your heels?

maybe we'll connect just one last time
I'll rest my head on your chest
you're a holiday
a weekend
a ride

we both know you and I aren't right
but we can reminisce
from time to time

we're thinking about leaving our hometowns
all this small-town thinking has us worn out
I'm handing down the hand-me-downs
when London calls I think I'll turn him down

you were the quiet one
the background hum
never loud enough

we were coming undone on the text line
never mind, I'll see you next time

you're not here anymore
but good grief
you’re everywhere
my grief is everywhere

you and me
one last time
that London night
make believe, not real life
you and me
chemical hearts
our wires crossed, I'm in knots
my bags are packed
I leave tomorrow

you're make believe
I made you up
now you're pixels, letters, dreams
I made you up
you're make believe
surely

spoiled for choice
we are crippled
I lost my voice in this here tunnel
scream scream scream
in the dark abyss
dream dream dream
through the hopelessness

the grass is greener on the other side
the steam from my ears says I’m green inside

now she calls you old mate
so she never has to say your name

with you the day starts too late
and the plans always change
and my brain’s not equipped to make choices today