I was that kid. the kid with the dreams.
the fatherless artist that forgot how to read.
who thought she could make it on talent alone.
so I write as a distraction, and to feel something old.
i’ll keep hiding through writing and praying and waiting
though the fire in my heart is already fading.
my piano and my pen are already foreign in these hands i’m tired.
tired of writing about pain
but how can I not when there’s nothing to think and i’m tired.
tired of seeing this face
and lying to people who said they were safe.
i’m the first to admit to the artist’s mistake.
I mastered something with love and life threw it away.
Just wake up. and fake up to make money for meds
so I won’t feel my feelings or try to be dead
but I can’t do anything, can’t have anything
I can’t feel the hug of god’s ring on my finger anymore.  
so here’s to the writer, the liar, to me.
the kid with old dreams who writes and weeps.

My night eyes read the heavens,
Wishing to catch a glimpse of yours.
I know you’re smiling knowingly,
Maybe a thousand or a billion miles away.
I’ll search endless moonless skies
For our connecting line, our old time relation
Something scary, an opal orb that draws my gaze
sending shadows lightyears beyond.
You ruined the moon.
I see it now and remember you not too reverently
Lady Luna is nowhere now, for you and I have space on our side
I’ll stare at the moon, to remember your touch
And lie in wait, in prayer for another eclipse.

I’m sorry, mama
I never thought that stripes would make you cry.
But I promise never to leave, never to go with the butterflies.
I’m just as scared as you are
No chrysalis will engulf this life. no safety here
Don’t tie my flesh weapons
It won’t make the constellations on my forearms fade
Don’t panic don’t panic but what more can I do
Words won’t stunt the growth of wings
It won’t make the butterflies go away.
But aren’t they beautiful?

look at my blue eyes
the eyes that have seen too much
I think I’m thinking too much. maybe not
blue eyes misted over
tired, mortified, … beautiful eyes
that will never again gleam with hazel and gold.
blue bears my scars of my sorrow and dismay
but these heavy eyes love like none other
I see your blue eyes,
the same eyes that stare back at me in the mirror
it’s ok. keep your pretty blue eyes
we can grieve together.

why is it so hard to die
never before have I loved the way that I love you
but I would never want to hurt you
and so my little one, I must say adieu
you did everything you could, my darling
you gave me all of your love and kept my days bright
never doubt my love for you
I love you but I must say adieu
i’ll admit that i’m not ready to die
still young and full of life
but you are younger my little one
which makes it all the more difficult
why is it so hard to die
it’s because you’re watching me
i’ll see you again, my Roman
but for now I must say adieu.

“say your prayers and sleep will come”
but I can’t be a dreamer. not now.
nothing is showing in theatres tonight.
come, dear insomnia. be my drug of choice
curse, bless me nothing. sleep will come when sleep will
cause for cause i’ll stay awake. mercy mine, mercy not.
with careful movements from rapid eyes, i’ll never wake from this blessed state.
slumber is sweet, but sweeter is the pounding of exhaustion
in the pit of my stomach, in the depths of my being, the ghost of a dream remains
please please go back to sleep

I lie alone in waking sight
Tortured souls reflect the light
Coming from beneath the door
Tear their faces and beg for more
My lungs are shallow from secondhand smoke
“Deep breath in” I’ll only choke
Mercy mine, oh sweet slumber!
Mangled thoughts, a mere hallucination
Curse, bless me now, O God
Grant placidity in a mind of torment
To leave me in a blissful lull, tickled away,
But Insomnia is here to stay