i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

you prepared me for this
and i can't decide whether
it's ok for me to feel as relieved
as I do when I am not crying

i've never felt so much instant pain
and relief all at once
so confusing-- my ****** lady
who walks like a trucker

piebald nightcaps
tree terrace
800+ hours
miles upon miles of cigarettes

dengue.
my heart.
my heart.
you brought me to Christ

you showed that God is love
you've left such a huge rainbow
in the earth's clay
i miss you
i want you

but I don't need you now
you know that
we know that
my heart.

you dreamt me and robbie
will one day meet
we will
and it won't be incredibly soon

--but it doesnt matter.

promise brothers
promise sister
Ngariy.
please hug Tithinfal for me

i'm glad you are with him now
im trying to go to Yap on Tuesday
for a week to see Ray and Celine
and the kids

to see Tingin
our spots the island wide
the tunnel behind peace corps
i inadequatley described to you

but that you can now see
and feel
with ****** yapese local music
blaring in the background

i'll be fine
you know I will
with heart on fire
I reach out to you tonight

all nights.

i'll find Zeyto
i'll hug him
those eyes

i'll sit in Gilin's kitchen and chainsmoke
i'll make you proud
i'll spread your word
i'll spread your message

i'll spread your love
i'll make it to Africa
and ill see you again
before we both know it

i love you.
and i'm good
ill learn to dance with a limp

rug baadagem ni odig, tinmad
gu baadagem.

forever
forever
forever

go rest

i love you.
i love you.
i love you.

you prepared me for this
and i can't decide whether
it's ok for me to feel as relieved
as I do when I am not crying

i've never felt so much instant pain
and relief all at once
so confusing-- my ****** lady
who walks like a trucker

piebald nightcaps
tree terrace
800+ hours
miles upon miles of cigarettes

dengue.
my heart.
my heart.
you brought me to Christ

you showed that God is love
you've left such a huge rainbow
in the earth's clay
i miss you
i want you

but I don't need you now
you know that
we know that
my heart.

you dreamt me and robbie
will one day meet
we will
and it won't be incredibly soon

--but it doesnt matter.

promise brothers
promise sister
Ngariy.
please hug Tithinfal for me

i'm glad you are with him now
im trying to go to Yap on Tuesday
for a week to see Ray and Celine
and the kids

to see Tingin
our spots the island wide
the tunnel behind peace corps
i inadequatley described to you

but that you can now see
and feel
with ****** yapese local music
blaring in the background

i'll be fine
you know I will
with heart on fire
I reach out to you tonight

all nights.

i'll find Zeyto
i'll hug him
those eyes

i'll sit in Gilin's kitchen and chainsmoke
i'll make you proud
i'll spread your word
i'll spread your message

i'll spread your love
i'll make it to Africa
and ill see you again
before we both know it

i love you.
and i'm good
ill learn to dance with a limp

rug baadagem ni odig, tinmad
gu baadagem.

forever
forever
forever

go rest

I guess I feel threatened by your strength
I guess I feel threatened by your beauty
I build brick layers between us.

What is that?

She ushered me to that golden path of sacred
My hands seek but grasp not
But there is something there to be taken
Why the blinders?
Why the stammer?

I have never been so confused
‘Olobeouch,’ the Yapese say
A tangling predicament worth
Unraveling with a fine-tooth
Bamboo comb

What about awareness
Emotional terror both by day
And by night
The subtle insidious kind
Calm waves of sad

Inertia creeps

What is that?

How do I heal when--
(and thanks for putting words to it, Rudy):
When it feels like the arms of my
Clock have arthritis?

Ship wreck on the wrong shore

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My feelings for you have grown needlessly ornate
Yours for me, simple

Sullivan says:
Friendship is underrated
Because of its inherent
Ability to be so earthen
So organic
And, thus
Conceptualized
Less

So why have I built
Nonsensical negativity?
Self-sabotage

What is that?
I’m not that guy.

I told you:
“I want so much more of you than I need”
I didn’t know at the time that I got it twisted

Maybe:
I need you more than I want to admit

Love the one you’re with

I idealized, romanticized the **** out of you
Before I even came back

I shot myself
Big toe on rifle trigger

A nice distraction from more
Pressing issues?

What is that?

I thought I was alone
But you reminded me
I am not

I can’t tell you how much that means to me

Those words:
Struck match
In a dark room

I’ve not let anyone acknowledge or
Sympathize with my lingering ache
Much less help anyone understand it

What is that?
I’m not that guy
I’ve never been that guy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

­
I let news of:
Thousands killed by super typhoon
Refugee birth
******* hunter casualty
Child victim of AIDS
Remind me that my pain is small

Pretending that that news is
Good enough to build perspective
And deal with pain
When it isn’t

“We accept the love we think we deserve”
I guess I thought I didn’t deserve you
Thank you for reminding me that that is
Not Truth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~­~~~

Ask me unprovoked questions
By the sea, under a tree
Whisper me stardust

Because one day I want to say:
Love me for the man I’ve become
Not the man I was

I touch the tip of your nose

Why
do we call the blues
blue?  I'm playing on
your blues guitar,
wondering how you are.
Blues, blues.

My mind walks the streets
of saxaphone,
experience,
cigarette smoke--
like Radiohead says,
I don't care if it hurts,
I want a perfect soul.

Blues, blues.
The Yapese call blue
'ran mak'ef'
the water of the reef,
the blue within the blue,
beyond the blue--more blues

than these eyes have ever seen,
than this mind has ever known.
We only call the blues blue
because there is often something
so beautiful
in sadness.