I have an army at my sides
Teenage soldiers marching along side making no commotion
Ready to shoot cartridges of heavy emotion
and landmines of loud music
Marines scream their motto ‘Semper Fi’
We reply with an attitude as if we’ll never die
Everyday, unknown soldiers
Our brothers and sisters are dying
in drama filled warfare
Someone tell me these crosses on
Highway sides are okay because
too many populate the green surface they’re held by
I can’t stand hearing how a
14 year old gets shot by a
15 year old now locked up for
16 years all for
17 oz of ****** so now a cop can tell
18 family member some ******* about how kids make ******* decisions because
“We don’t know any better?”
From swing sets and sand boxes to
Slick rides and ****** tension
We’ve been changed from overalls to overrated double standards
As a whole we’ve lost out innocence
We’ve been termed as the lost youth
So let’s get maps to find out way back
3 paces east and 4 to the north
We will end where it all began
Chances are that 90% of people won’t get
our fascination with funny pictures of
Cats on the internet, but that’s because they don’t
understand the generation the 90’s gave birth to
I’m only 16 and growing up scares the **** out of me
I don’t know what one person can do to
stop every disease and flu from passing
through and staying true to humanity
Tom Wargo was quoted as saying;
“Growing old is mandatory;
Growing up is optional”
If this is true then I want to stay
17 on the inside, I’ll be
82 on the swing sets laughing away.
Other parents will whisper and wonder
But I won’t care.
As long as I can stretch my toes
to touch the sky and grab it’s mysteries
I guess that’s why they say plant your foot firmly
in the front door because my toes can’t latch onto nebula's.
So when I fall I’m going to need a platform to land on
If we rely on one another to thrive, strive and survive
Then where will i fall to if my generation single-handedly kills one another till nobody is left?
We live in the moment but the moment has passed
So seize the next moment and live for tomorrow
So when tomorrow becomes today
You’ll be ready.
We
Will be ready
We won’t be killing
We won’t be stealing
We won’t be lying
and most importantly
We won’t
Be
Dying

Everyday I am haunted
By the scars on my hips,
wrist,
stomach,
and thighs.
I hope everyday my parents won't see them.
I'm scared of what others think
I'm scared that I will be sent away again,
Away to a place that filled me with fear,
A place people call, "The Mental House,"

Yes, I did try to **** myself,
but that was long ago
But now I struggle with the razors that call my name
The yearning for the sting of a cut across my scarred skin
The desire to feel like I'm not in a dream.
Everything is so unreal
I never thought it would happen
But it did,
now I'm living with it.

I'm happy to say I am three weeks clean,
But I don't think it will last very long
Life is not easy
and I'm not that strong.

i live my life alone, everything around me is so beautiful
yet i hate all of it. nobody gets what they deserve.

laguna beach a place so lovely yet unenjoyable for me,
endless thoughts of a neglected childhood. haunt me.
there is no closure with a lacking family but acceptance with a wiser child.

im turned on and off, seeking a person to fill the void that gradually gets bigger with every disgusting thought

nobody can fill a void quite as big as mine
not my father, a figure who was never there. and doesnt have to be.
who loves his children with doubt theyre his children.
he walks to the bar then goes to his house.
halfway house.
he loves alcohol because it fills his void to the brim.

not my mother, who failed to raise me. who gave me up.
actions speak louder than words, she gave me neither.
back and fourth rahab pulled her in like a rip tide
she stuggles till she gives in.
7 years of my life spent together only to give up again.
she dances around reading the bible
then punches me in the face
i can see her brain tangled in confusion
she loves drugs because it fits her void like the perfect puzzle piece.

not my grandpa who raised me, filling my void a quarter full.
a man of few words
cancer drains the quarter filled
rest in peace, the greatest man i ever knew.

not my grandma who raised me, so compassionate and humble.
she flys as far as she can go
struggling and alone she spends every penny she receives
she cant help it.
she fills my void less and less with every minute she grows older
unable to hold a conversation, she cant remember.
i love her so much.

not my little brother, whos unable to talk to me.
shielded by a thick layer of our moms alcohol induced breath,
he doesnt understand and doesnt have a chance
manipulated
hes dragged out by the rip tide by my moms side.
3 years pass by, not a word spoken, not a picture seen.
i feel his void brewing only to awake
when he is a wiser child

not my bestfriend, who grew up on the sidelines
who does whatever she can to help and comfort me
who shares her house and bed with me.

nothing is ever enough and i hate myself.

my one night stands overfill my void
but i wake up with it stretched out and empty
only to feel sadness roll over my entire body like a soft expected wave of freezing ocean water
i get tense and sick from my recent meal.

i collapse onto my bed, im a wiser child but an empty one
laguna beach am i living "the life"?
i can see the sun set behind the ocean from my bed
a beautiful view but i hate it.

76 degrees and sunny
the weather feels like ****

Little black spiders
In little black dresses
In their web lies a liar
Misfortune in his messes
Caught and condemned without confession
Dark diamond eyes desire death by fire
Beautiful beasts of the web moving and grooving
Cocooning the careless Cupid preparing the pyre
He prays to nothing hoping for everything
He stuggles to stave off slumber
But his members are motionless and number
He's slayed sadness but at what cost
He's suffered his last laceration leaving him lost

Nineteen texts and three phone calls
all in one day, my strength it drains away
persecuted her, hounded all these she said
what I say on deaf ears falls, take your pills
care for your kid's or lose them
He loves you
gave up his job to keep your kids at home...
"So , here is what you do,"
OK....?
"Take a mirror wash it with salt
look into your reflection and see her.
Slowly tell her how you feel,
that you cannot feed her your energy
that you want her to care for her children
be healthy, love him and do not drain me.
Wash the mirror with salt and a wee prayer."
It worked in one day, after five weeks of
crazy stress.
She is still Mad as a pie, stuggles on
we talk in church and on facebook
But don't mention the mirror spell in church
they will try and burn me
but it works every time so far...he he   :o)

He stuggles to hold himself up
His last moments left in this life
Why should he move on
When he can end it with a knife

He takes one last look at her beautiful face
Its the last he'll ever see
Tears run down his cold face
Now that it can no longer be

He looks at the sky for a reason why
Blank, empty clouds stare him back
He gives out one last yell
As the blood in his veins turn black

The life he thought, The life he had
Wasn't worth a single breath
But what awaits him true and real
As he's now faced with death

I can only give credit to one,
Whose been there since my life really begun,
Who stayed even when he wanted to run,
All of my childhood memories have you in the scene,
You didn't know how to raise someone else's kids,
So sometimes I thought you were mean,
Your jokes and stories you would tell, & still the pride of a strong heart,
It was us who tried to keep it together when it was falling apart,
Everytime a new escape plan by my mom was tried,
I'd stand there & at your side,
Or when she wouldn't come back after the ******* stories and stupid lies,
No matter how we lived our lives,
Our family has a love that still stands strong,
Maybe it's because we had a dad manage to try & keep it together when everything went wrong,
I think you finally got over the guilt & shame,
For the absence of your other daughters that loved you the same,
And I know you still live with the burden of its pain,
I can only give credit to one,
The one who stayed even when he wanted to run,
I hoped that one day you'd love me the same,
Eventhough I'm the only daughter out of 7 that doesn't have your name,
What about the other kids that were born with you by their side,
Decisions have to be made & you had to decide,
You chose to stay & raise them anyways & put everything else aside,
You claimed them as your own, that in which you never denied,
You hold all of the memories & moments of their life & all that they've known,
But when they were born, you knew that they were not born As Your Own.
People often wonder why you are put on a pedastool so high,
You are an angel seen through the wisdom of God's eye,
Your intellegence is what most people see,
As a child all the times you'd pass it on to me,
You are much smarter than that of common seed,
Random encyclopedia projects & numerous books we'd read,
I can't complain because you are a better dad than I expected you to be,
And you are the only dad I'd ever really need,
As I'd climb up on your lap since I was 2, as you'd listen to me read,
I hope I was the daughter you expected me to be,
I can only give credit to one,
Sure things got tough & we wanted to run,
But you didn't & that's what makes you # 1,
Not everything was perfect & sometimes it got rough,
Why couldn't we just change it when enough was enough?,
We grew up & Life's still tough,
But will we know how to crawl out of a hole if we get stuck?,
Sorry if I've ever hurt you or made you mad,
But some memories still hurt real bad,
Not everything was easy, in fact with everyday struggles it got too hard,
The bad memories we usually set aside or often discard,
We try to cover them up like they don't exist,
We were smart enough to know everytime they came into our lives it was just to cross us off the list,
When things were in place & just as they should,
Even the hard times turned out pretty good,
Some stuggles even brought happiness at the end even if times were hard,
Those will be the moments that are left unscarred,
Mom tried hard to get our lives back to where it belongs,
I guess it wasn't meant to be that way for very long,
I may be the only daughter without your name,
But I love you more than I would if you were My Own,
Things have changed and I am grown,
I am older now,
To have you as my dad I could never be more proud,
I can only give credit to one,
Who stayed even when he wanted to run,
Is this the life for us that was planned?
Sure time goes bye, but you are a better man,
I may be the only daughter without your name,
But our blood still bleeds the same,
My recent distance from this family made me miss you so much more,
But if I didnt then I would be reluctant & life be lived without lore,                                    
I feel like I can't move from this spot, for so long i have been gone,
I left to find my place in this world, but is this where I belong?,
I will always be your daughter, so let that be known,
I was gone for a little while but now I'm home,
My heart is heavy with this undying fear,
That one day I'll wake up & you'll no longer be here,
I can only give credit to one,
Who decided to stay even when he wanted to run,
If objects in mirror are closer than they appear,...
Then tomorrow is already here,
So lets clean the mirror so we can see real clear,
When someone doesn't want something they throw it away, or leave it behind,
My real father never changed his mind,
He never looked back, so he left long ago....so that a better dad i would find,
And to your surprise,
Yet another daughter at your side,
To tug on your pants & ask you questions all the time,
Who believed in everything you've accomplished & even the things you've tried,
You were put in my life as my dad for a reason,
Without you I wouldn't have anything to believe in,
I'm sorry if I've made you cry,
By these poetic words that I write,
I stand here as your daughter & I stand here all alone,
I may not be the daughter who shares the blood of your own,
But my plan is to stand here until the fray of fabric once kept together
   by the stitching once perfectly sewn,
Do you love me as your daughter?
Do you love me As Your Own?               
 
                                                              7/15/2015
For the only one I call DAD
Darrell Lee Tumlin

reluctant: unwilling, hesitant, resistant
lore: knowledge, knowing

I'm dying in vain,
I'm closing my eyes with pain.
all the thirsts and all the stuggles I gain
will still remain.

those fame I dreamed of,
those Game I played,
those struggles I take
I will leave them and forsake.

to thee I struggled so much,
thy roaring sounds still bothering me.
to thee I cried so hard,
my words at this pass were vain and bootless.

I have a girlfriend
she is not you
though i often wish
this was not true
to kiss and hug
and be snug
i want to be
my heart wants to be
with a girl who cares
and does not play
with feellings of others
when asked a question
you quickly reply
not let me think
for over a week
i waited
before giving up


destanie
cant you see
that those guys use you
for your body
and that i am different
more of a man
because i am brave
now i know that i often
seem like a creep
but i cant sit here
and le tyou mourn and reep
your heart broken
yet again
by another liar
one who wants nothing
but a one night stand
but your blinded
a veil drawn over your eyes
the world confusing you
so that you cant see
that i wanted you
to be with me
we are both now eighteen
well in a few days
but you dont care
true love is not enough
to overcome
the stuggles
of winning your heart
maybe if i wanted something fake
then together we could be
but ugly and poor
just never goes
with the beautiful and rich
cody will never be
with Destanie

I can't sleep
With you on my mind
But I'm glad you are
Because I need you to get me through the night

But it hurts only being able to think of you
Because I know that if I want to see you
We both have to lie and sneak around
Just to say hi

The times we're together
It always ends up being a bit of a fright
Because she tells me to leave you alone
But I know I won't and that's alright

I hope that you stick around
Because I will too, but just to the side

Through the stuggles I'll be waiting in the moonlight
Waiting For you to arrive with a smile that just shines

You make everyday a great one
And that's not a lie
But I'll be waiting for the day
you can sleep with me in my bed at night

I just want to tell you something.
I don't know what hurts more.
The fact that you were in pain and didn't tell me or come to me for help.
Or the fact that we both had mental health stuggles, and you decided that yours were too much and decided to stop breathing air.
We were supposed to get through this together.
But you left me to figure out my problems myself.
So, yeah... I don't know what hurts more.

There are times we lose our way
Times we don't know what to say
Time we want to break and cry
Times where we wonder why

They say everything happens for a reason
Like a sunrise, a sunset, a season
But at times its too hard to see
When you are filled with pain and misery

Its hard to stay so positive
And search for all the reasons to live
To hold on all to all the good
And see the possibilities that could

But unknown to us all we find our way
To keep pushing on through each day
We each have stuggles of our own
But together no one is alone

Find your strength in family and friends
And with love and support dark times ends
Hold on to the true you
No matter how lost, no matter how blue
You are not alone.

Do you scoff at the monkey 

clinging to my back?

And do you think his presence

is strength that I lack?


Ignorance is weakness

and you reek of its stench.

I don’t know your stuggles

And you don’t know my strength.


Pretending to be shocked,

you gawk and stare at me,

with my ever crazy monkey,

while yours tries to succeed.


Or are you the class clown

that needs to laugh and mock, 

at the expense of others,

so amused by my mug shot.


Before you cast your judgments

on your pedestal so high,

let’s take a look at all 

the monkeys that you hide.


Pills, pills, everywhere

from the good ‘ole doc.

That’s how the “better half”

of society like to rock.


And isn’t it a shame…

Curious George has gone wild,

playing in a Google jungle,

with his world wide web of lies.


Weekly drama overdoses,

that glamorize a world of crime,

with your children in the room,

and you call it “Family time”.


And you knew this was coming… 

Over eaters who refuse,

to believe they have a monkey

and ignore their health issues.


Or maybe your monkey

is cute and hard to see…

Like all you shop-a-holics

who get high on QVC.


Have I said enough?

Or should I pick up the pace,

with more evil little games

that monkeys love to play.


Hmmmm….


Worried Winos, Workaholics…

Poker Nights and Prayer Group Gossip,

Steroid Freaks, Casino Junkies,

Candy Crush obsessed monkeys…

Girls night out and Man Caves

are sweet bites that lies crave,

Cheating Hearts, Lying Eyes,

***** Mouths, and Idle Minds,

Jealousy and Vanity, 

Rebellion, Pride, and 

Selfish Me…


This monkey business could destroy

your nice civilized values…

So don’t you dare judge me, 

inside your monkey zoo!