I.
God, she looked beautiful.
Her hair hung in lose strands
around her face that ended
past her chest.
She put on modest, yet accentuating,
makeup that could make anyone
draw their eyes to her defined features.
She radiated so much mirth and
glee, that I was able to
recognize it as soon as she sent
the pictures to me.
Maybe it was because she
looked so joyful, or
because she took the photos with
a bird on her shoulder,
but I wanted to tell her then.
I wanted to pour my heart out,
to the flowing stream that is her
soul and say that I was
in love with her.
"It's not the right time"
I told myself. And maybe it
was not, but I still should have
said it, even then...when things
still felt new.
II.
It was New Year's Eve,
and I was cold, impatient, but excited
to see The Peach Drop,
to reel in 2015 second by second.
If she was there, next to me,
I would have made sure,
the minute the clock struck 12,
that her lips would be mine and
that they would be bright red
and puffy, adorably so...
It did not have to be New
Year's for me to want to
kiss her like that, but since it was,
the kiss would have had
a special meaning attached to
it... soon enough it was midnight, the
Peach dropped, and I broke up
with her the next day.
What can say, honestly?
My emotions took a hold of me?
That in one night I decided I was
wasting her time?
Whatever it was, it was stupid.
so ******* stupid...
So, I did the deed, over the phone,
and while I was crying into the
receiver, I wanted to tell her that
she should just ignore what I've
said or to tell me to get myself
together. I wanted to tell her,
even while I was breaking up
with her, that I was in love
with her. Predictably, I did not.
III.
After pushing her away for
months, trying to forget her, and
deleting anything that
reminded me of her, a friend encouraged me
to talk to her again...
Heaven must have been in a
panic, because they were
missing one of their finest
angels right here on Earth.
She spoke with compassion and
sincerity, and she was even
worried about me...I didn't
deserve such concern from her.
Before I knew it, I was crying,
and told her that too because
I was selfish, and I wanted more
of her kindness and sympathy.
Everything that resulted afterwards
was nothing short of cliché, but
to us, it was unique as she
rekindled what I tried so hard
to put out.
I told her that I would
earn her trust back, that I would
make myself worthy and fit to be
called her partner, and that I
would make her proud to be with
me. She said she already was, but
she accepted my declarations
nonetheless...
There was a moment
between all the talking
that I could have finally
told her that she had my heart,
but it was too early, I did not
want her to think that I did not care
about the words I say.
Things at this stage
were so fragile for us, so I bit my
tongue once more.
IV.
I was lying on my bed,
still stubbornly awake
because I ruined my
sleeping schedule, and because
it was the principle - I refused
the call of slumber until I could repair
my internal clock.
But,
She sent me a text at 10 am
and when I read it, I cried.
Really, was she even real?
Was I really dating someone
so kind and pure?
How could she even write
such a heartfelt text
that shook me to my core?
"She cares about me..."
kept repeating itself in my head,
and I knew she did before she sent
the message, but I especially felt
her warmth right then.
I had to stop myself from replying
back so fast because I knew that
she sent the message with the
intention of me waking up to it.
Of course, I could barely manage to
control myself, but somehow,
I did. When I felt that sufficient
time had passed, I attacked my
phone trying to come up
with the perfect reply to her
perfect-intended-wake-up text.
After taking too long to string
together the proper digital
poetry to my liking, I decided
to just write how I felt and
not edit anything out.
I tried to convey how much I loved her
without actually saying the words.
Once she read my message, she called me
and we had... one hell of an interesting,
albeit kinda awkward conversation.
I'd like to think that she understood
what I wrote, that she read
between the lines, but I
am unsure to this day.
V.
Sometimes, I wished that
I did not have a mouth to speak
with. I tend to either
say things that I don't mean,
or reveal some truths
that should have remained hidden...
My mouth and brain are disconnected
most times, and who would have
known that my constant babbling
would actually be worth paying
an iota of attention to?
I was talking to her over the phone
and she was gently guiding me
through a game I was playing.
At first, I could not get the hang of it
but a few soft spoken and accented tips later,
I became an instant expert.
My excitement took ahold of my mouth
so I shouted,
"Oh my god, thanks so much,
I love you!"
Everything was silent for half
a second before my mind caught up
to my traitorous tongue.
I started back-pedaling hurriedly saying
things like "I'm so sorry",
"God, I'm so stupid", and "I didn't
mean - what I meant was..." and
much more pathetic excuses.
But she, she must have
been godsend because she did not make
fun of me, or made me repeat my
accidental proclamation of love.
All she did was giggle against the receiver
and calmed my nerves down until
I stopped stuttering out incomprehensible phrases.
...All this time,
I told myself to wait for the
perfect moment to tell her how
enamored I was, and then it only
took a stupid game for me to expose myself.
Despite that, however,
I don't know what she took
away from our conversation that day.
Did she read into anything?
If she did, did she read into me
saying that I love her, or how quickly
I tried to take back what I said?
And if she read into the latter...
then what? God, I was so head
over heels for her.
~~~
She broke up with me four
months ago. Her reasons made sense,
she always made sense, but I cried
anyways. I knew it would come down
to her breaking up with me, I was
always waiting for the other
shoe to drop. But ****, I really did
disappoint all parties included.
I couldn't be the partner she needed,
and I wasn't able to get over
my cowardice to tell her how
much I needed her, how I wanted
her to stay, or that I really wanted
a future with her by myside,
It was always about how I felt...
Me, me, me!
Not once, did I risk being rejected
by her, not once did I take the chance,
not once did I unashamedly told her
that I loved her with all of who
I was, and maybe that was the straw
that broke the camel's back.
I spent half a year waiting for
that hallmark moment to
come where I could just tell
her and everything would
be flawless... But I guess, while
I was biding my time, she
probably felt that I was
wasting hers.
I know this is more of a collection of stories than an actual poem, but humor me here.
