Lunch breaking
The favorite part of the working man

The thrill of it

nicking a Twix
from the corner shop,

a lunchbreak one day
in the mid-nineties

looking inconspicuous
between the chocolate

and packs
of smoky bacon crisps.

Sam pilfered
a Snickers, a Wispa,

we dashed outside,
ran back to school,

couldn’t believe it,
looking at our stolen goodies,

not a splash of guilt
alive in our minds.

I.** That night, I placed a pillow over my head; I dreamt that I was dead. I had cut my wrists over the bathroom sink. I was laying down on the floor. On the bulge of my stomach, written in blood were the words: "I feel better now." Over by the side, in blood too, the wall proclaimed: "This is my version of okay."

II. I dreamt of going to school on Monday and spending my lunchbreak crying in the bathroom. Hiding in the library when I'm full of tears, showing up to class empty. Seventeen is hard. Life is hard. Tell me what you wish for me. (I don't like going to bed sad.)

III. It's so strange that I still feel so alone, maybe worse than before. I am tired of falling apart; I will try holding myself together. Like a scarecrow, mummy, dandelion puff. I will not fall just so I don't have to pick myself up again.

IV. Give me a reason to surrender, or a viable way out of this mess. I don't want to break my heart, or anyone's. I just want to stop hurting. (I knew it wasn't going to be a good year.)

V. I told you "no promises" because I don't need to promise. I have no control when it comes to you. I'm stuck with this overpowering love. I'd drive myself crazy missing you. I'd forget to be happy in the search for you. I promise I won't stop loving you; I can't promise I'll survive it.

We all know those songs
That we really hate
And yet it's those songs
That play over and over again
In our heads, we have no say in it

Now Lisa in particular
Has a problem with this
Some days it drives her up the wall
Especially those repeterive songs
... Like the 7 Nation Army

Quietly I sing it all morning
Should suffice by 12 o'clock
Lunchbreak.
I let it go and stop singing
Shouldn't be long now

"Tummm tum tum tum tumm tumm"
Lisa starts slowly
I let her go on untill she loses her patience
She just can't get it out of her head
I laugh and she knows why

"I hate you"

What is my biggest insecurity?
Not giving enough where I can
and know I should.
Some insecurities
I am still trying to find words to
Maybe some light too
Being loved can be scary,
and I shy away from people who love me
too quickly
You ever been heart broken?
betrayal is universal
I have felt the teeth of love for sure
Spiritual awakening is about surrender
we lead most of our lives trying to control outcomes
and in doing so
we inject and project ourselves into other peoples choices
to secure the narrative of control
but when you let go of this desire to be right all the time
or control outcomes
something else seeks you
manifest within chaos
emotions are my identity
just please adore me when
I cant love myself.

me reading alone in the library
         at Seattle U. on my lunchbreak
                     slow walk back to the shelter
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