It hurt, it always hurt
But when it was with them,
It wasn’t so bad.
It wasn’t even bad, it was addictive.
In the world of unlikely friends
People like them
Were the equivalent of a shot of Jack
After a ****** up day or week.
Then he smashed that glass on my face
And forced himself on me.
He shoved his fingers in my ***
So hard I came.
Later that week he watched
Me get wet through my trousers,
In the mirror behind me.
All that from just a conversation.
And if it had been anyone else,
I would’ve kicked them out.
It was hardly a question of being unable to defend myself.
But in their hands
Pain and pleasure slept in the same bed.
In my bed, between my legs
And made out till dawn.
If it had been anyone else,
Heads would’ve rolled.
But he just gave me a painkiller
And rubbed benzodiazepine on my skin.
And somewhere between
Them pulling my hair
And threatening me
You know to make it feel more real
I fell in love...
Aug 15, 2018
Aug 15, 2018 at 8:36 AM UTC
Me, you, he, she, they we
Table, stool, cup, plate, tea
A green hill and a flock of sheep
I said there were 75 a pack
You counted 71,
And 4 watching your back.
Two months with you
I got lazy and fat,
Got a funny accent too.
Taught me french for a week or two
And multiplied numbers
5x5 is 25, threw a tandrum too!
And yer right, I shoulnd’t rearrange yer stuff.
Jul 11, 2018
Jul 11, 2018 at 2:27 PM UTC
Tick tock
And the days pass by.
What am I doing
But letting it.
Some call it depression.
I called it an impasse
All the pawns are set to place
No one moves
And no one gets hurt.
But I linger in my bed
Half asleep, half awake
As your scent passes
Through the hallways of my memory.
Or is it my insanity?
The warmth of hands caressing me
And children singing
Of the sleeping beauty.
Am I asleep, awake or just crazy?
There is only so many closets to clean
Yet mine just keep pouring
Their quite strange contents.
I woke up unable to move mostly
My arm slowly rising in the air
As though I was to touch the ceiling
And the voice of a polite little boy
“When you come down
We’d like to know how you’ve come to levitate”
The memory of the will to kiss him
We were only children...
Children’s dreams...
Yet I still have no wings to fly
And the child within me must obey.
People don’t really fly, do they...?
Mar 14, 2018
Mar 14, 2018 at 5:38 PM UTC
Who do you want to be when you grow up
What a strange question...
who would I want to be
But just simply who I am?
What should I want to be
But simply just me?
Just one problem...
I can’t remember me?
Every dream of becoming better
And the process of getting there,
Led me to one thing?
Just me.
It turned out that Just Me
Is burned out.
And all the things that I dreamed of
The simple things
Like being able to get lost in a book
Or cooking three meals a day
And getting some excersise,
Were just there to be done
But how could I,
When all these things
Remind me of me?
If I did all that, I’d own up to myself
And I’d remember me
And everything I’m made of.
But somehow I became it anyway...
There are herbs growing by the window
And my sleep needs less of me,
The excuses to get fit
Have been silenced
And there’s a long list
Of fun things to do
All by myself
There’s a long lost voice saying
“Go for Sunday coffee with a friend”
The will to smoke has left me
And the things I always wanted to do
And always stalled infinitely
Are so close, I can feel them.
There’s still work to be done
But the view you get
Half way up the mountain
Is priceless and I’m grateful.
Feb 11, 2018
Feb 11, 2018 at 5:52 AM UTC
the severing of ties
that's what it was called
but they never faded
never vanished
and never made way
for anything else.
there was the pen
to be followed
as you moved it
before my eyes
and the words to remember
of a language
I would never come to perfect.
there were tests and games
I tracked you down
and sat by the tree.
drew hearts around your shoe tracks.
there were issues and wagers.
and nothing ever changed.
my heart always smiled at you.
and you asked yourself
who was the love of my life?
it has always been you.
and him
and her
and them.
now who is the love of your life?
I swallowed the sings of you
the traces, the links, the connection.
and humored you
by calling it accomodation
instead of stealing.
and you laughed
so I guess I'm off the hook.
Nov 2, 2017
Nov 2, 2017 at 2:34 PM UTC
He said he was a Jew
And I was an arian.
I hated that label.
I am a Protestant!
But I hardly knew how to speak.
So I just called him “Jew”.
And he was the sweetest.
He was 6 and I was 4
And I wanted to be his girlfriend
He asked his mom
If it was ok, him being older and all
She said we were allowed to kiss.
But I snuck out of bed
To sleep next to Jew
And he cuddled me back to sleep
And complained in the morning
That I stole his blankets
I cried for three days
When he left.
Whispered in the silence
At the age of 8,
That my best friend was a jew
And I’d never turn on them.
He waived at me when I was 10,
Watched me swim at 12,
And kissed me when I was 14.
He caressed me and I lost my senses.
He fought for my honour at 15,
And that was the only time
I ever flashed my ***** to anyone.
He found me when I was 16.
And told me he still loved me
At the age of 17.
We cried together for months
When I was 19.
And many times after that.
He is still today
My very own Jew.
I’d still hide you if I had to
Like that time we lay beneath the stairs
While your father screamed
Anti-semitic statements
And you covered my ears.
And I eventually fell asleep holding you tight.
You were John Smith and I was Pocahontas...
I guess that’s why I got these tattoos.
Oct 17, 2017
Oct 17, 2017 at 2:00 PM UTC
If there was a world that I could hold in my palm, I would gift it to you.
But that would not please you.
If there was a book, that contained all the words for Love, in all expressions in the universe, I would lay it by your feet.
But that would not impress you.
If there was an act of respect and reverence, the way I feel it, I would perform it.
But you would not want it.
Nor would I find it adequate in what I'm trying to say.
In the end I would not do any of the above...
Because the only way, I ever got through to you, was through a simple kiss... through the touch of my hands and the words within my soul, too complex for the human mind.
So I guess, I'll simply kiss you, knowing, that that has always been enough.
Sep 23, 2017
Sep 23, 2017 at 4:35 PM UTC
The anger boiled up again.
I wondered whether it would ever go away.
What was it about all this
That triggered me so intensly?
Was it just frustration?
Or was it frustration
Boiling up from helplessness?
I was powerless against the flash backs.
Powerless against my past, my mistakes,
My inability to allow harm on others.
But I was still here.
Where do I go from here?
What is anger?
Is it simple self-defence?
And if so, against what?
I was trying to find reasons for my pain
Only to realise, that there is none.
Because there is no reason within me
Because I was not the root cause.
It wasn't until I opened my eyes
To the reasons of others
That I realised, that it had nothing to do with me.
I let the pain die away
I was the collateral damage
Of someone else's inner war.
So I removed myself
In understanding that I would never grow sick from this...
They would grow sick from having done what they did.
And in that moment, I felt compassion.
I forgave.
The fear never left
I could still lose everything
To someone else's inner war.
So then what is fear...?
Sep 3, 2017
Sep 3, 2017 at 5:29 AM UTC
As I sat there
Doing the same **** thing
All those who are in recovery do...
Watching tv, you know
When I'm not sleeping.
I stroked my arm
As I often do
Maybe just to check
That my skin in still warm
Or to have the sensation
Of feeling myself
I felt something I haven't felt in years.
I felt the round healthy curves
Of the bones on my shoulders.
And I felt my recovery
For what seemed to be
The very first time.
The mindsets were there
I'm looking forward.
I'm planning for the future
And although I occasionally feel weak,
I've come to have peace with that.
Recovery happens in small steps
So I just whisper it to myself
Through the cold sweat,
"Endure it... Baby steps..."
I soothe myself
Today I know what happened
Even though I don't know everything
I've come to know myself.
And I'm happy with who I am.
Aug 30, 2017
Aug 30, 2017 at 3:33 PM UTC
I did not learn
What you wanted me to.
However I touched your pain
Took it in as my own.
Carried it for a minute or a moment
The kind that feels like forever.
I shed your tears through my own eyes
And whispered the words,
The very same words that
Were the first ones to escape my lips
As I was an infant.
thank you
Thank you for sharing your pain
The same way, my pain was shared to you.
I would never see the world
The way you did
Unless I looked through your eyes.
I will not burden myself
With the hell that has been reintroduced to me.
I do not deserve such pain.
Nor do you.
So I will let it pass along
Like water under the bridge
And continue to love you
From the depths of who I am,
From the heart I share with you.
Turn my suffering in to gratitude
And send my wish in to the universe
To some day, kiss your hands and dry your eyes.
Aug 26, 2017
Aug 26, 2017 at 3:33 PM UTC