'Your hand in Mine'* by Explosions in the Sky began playing in my ears as I dipped my sore feet into the cold Chicago lake.

I inhaled all the pain I carried that day and slowly exhaled.
My eyes began to slip closed as a plane reached where water met land and began flying over the skyline.

I could feel your arms wrapping around me as I continued to try and breath. Breathing was never something I had struggled with before.

I was warm despite the goosebumps on my arms from the cold front coming in.

I didn't want to feel your invisible presence anymore, but fear of a permanent loss kept me from jumping in and finally ridding myself from thoughts of you.

When I opened my eyes the sun had begun setting and the plane was long gone.

Well now, if little by little you stop loving me,
I shall stop loving you, little by little.

In May, I would have had you through frowns,
because you always allowed me to have the final say.

In June, I would have loved you through your screams,
because you would apologize with an angelic tune.

In July, I would have loved you through tears,
because you always held me when it came time to cry.

Then in August, I thought I could careless,
but it turned out that I was the weakest.

In September, I had hoped for change, apologies,
and for you to finally forget her.

October and November passed agonizingly slow,
but I came to accept what came next; the season of snow.

Well now, when you stop loving me,
hopefully I will have stopped loving you seasons ago.

You used to offer to walk me home knowing you'd have to walk back in the dark, alone.

I used to try and make our goodbye kiss last so it would keep you company.

Now you ask me about my day, I ask about yours, you say you have to go, and I lie and pretend like I do too.

Some may call this a relationship that transitioned or grew, but in truth it simply just feels like you're slowly falling out of love with me.

I’m scared of admitting that if I hadn’t come to see you, your life would have carried on without any more care for me, and my life would still be falling apart.

I’m scared of admitting that if I hadn’t come to see you, you would have been willing to forget us rather than coming to the conclusion that I’m worth it enough for you to try for.

Most of all, I’m scared you’ll never arrive to that conclusion, and that I will continue to cry myself to sleep in the years to come wishing things were different between us.

Wishing I could find someone else, that I was capable of loving anyone other than you, simply for the moment that they call me and I don’t have to go searching for their love.

Happiness comes to those who most deserve, and with my dark secrets suffocating me daily, I most definitely don't deserve.

You say you're happy, but am I the sole reason?
Happiness I know nothing of, I've only ever known of secrets, lies, and drugs.

I'm foolish in thinking you can turn all this around,
but as mush as I wish and hope, your sweet words get lost in everyday sounds.

I try to enjoy the way you make me feel protected and cared for, but you deserve someone who can be fully yours, I swear I was capable of it once before.

My sleepless nights and terrors aren't to be shared, and I'm hoping they aren't forever.
With every promise you make, every tingle I feel, I think it's possible.
But I want more. I want to be sure.

I want to know of your dreams, your secrets, your fears.
To make you feel that I'm present, that I'm all ears.

Recent days have been different. I've felt strong and carefree to do and say as I wish,
and for once my feelings are starting to make sense.

I worried of you changing your mind, but now I know I wouldn't be able to change mine.

Your love is too much to ask for, and I promise to never ask that of you.
But for once I can't deny how I feel.
I'm scared more now than ever, because I know it's too soon.

I swear I used to know better, so I'm Sorry,
but I'm scared I may be in love with you.