-Joelena Saldana
12/1/14
He stares.
The beautiful man stares at me.

I look around to see if I'm not the one he wanders his eyes at,
but there is no one.

I look at my clothes, there's nothing there.
I can see his gentle caring eyes just settling on me.

I know they won't move.

Maybe he's just daydreaming.

He's so beautiful.
His lips are full, his surfer boy haircut,
he seems mysterious.

I start to stare back just witnessing his full parted lips,
his eyes glued to mine,
his somewhat muscular arms,
his incredible light hazel brown eyes.
His pierced ear.

I can see amazement,
carefree,
risk taking,
pride,
and yet humble,
artistic,
but most of all beauty in his eyes.

I wonder what he's thinking about.
What he dreams of.

His eyes move.
They scan my body.
Not perverted like,
but like something's different.

Is something wrong?
Oh, what I'd give to know what he's thinking,
what he see's,
what he dreams.

I finally ask,
"What are you staring at?"
noticing I say it softly.
He answers
"You."

I'm amazed. Astonished.

I ask without noticing,
"Why?"

In the most sweetest, gentlest, most beautiful tone, he answers once again,

"You're beautiful..."

-Joelena Saldana
10/4/14
Let me loose,
I feel confused,
cut the cord that frees me from your abuse.

I'm not your slave,
I'm not one to be taken or given away.
I am no trick,
I am no longer a fool.

Set me free
or you will see what kind of a child I can be.

I am not scared,
although I can not say the same for you..

You are trapped and I am free,
are you prepared to see the real me?

The consequences will be paid for the actions that you have made.
You clearly underestimate the girl I am,
but now you know I can't be tamed.

This is the girl I should've made.

You no longer have control of me.

I will fight to the end,
not knowing or caring where that may be.

This is for me.

I will take back the time you've taken,
you think I'm trapped,
but you've clearly been mistaken.

You may be the maker of this game,
but now I will decide who will win or have pain.
And from how I see it, today is not your day.

You must read before you play.

Choose the game that will be played,
be prepared for what comes your way.

I am a grenade,
I should not be played with.

Don't underestimate the girl I am now,
somehow I am here,
and I am prepared to take on your fear.


You no longer can hurt me,
are we officially clear?

-Joelena Saldana
11/28/14
Foot steps.. Breathing.. Movement..
Believe it or not, it all creates music. Every sound you hear. Whether it be annoying, irritating, boring, catchy, interesting.. It's all music.
Every living and non-living thing creates music.
Whether we know it or not, it's most definitely there.
It would be completely impossible not to discover music!
You see, people mistake music for just sound. It is rhythm, vibration, nature. Music is not only sound. It is touch and sight as well. Texture...
And if it wasn't humans or creatures that had discovered or started music, it would have been nature.
The wind, of which blows across or through. The rumbling from the landscapes and landslides. And the rain, of which eventually lands or touches something that soon makes a noise.
Whether we like it or not, we are surrounded by music...

-Joelena Saldana
?/?/?
The smack upon her face was strong.
His eyes had fire, hurt, pain, anger...

Her face was wet from her salty tears. Her scream for help did nothing.

He was the volcano pretending to be a beautiful mountain.
As the girl was soft healthy green grass.
But was scared of the mountain to erupt.

The fear of being nothing, destroyed, dust,
or just the liquid from the lava.

She had fear,
but still imagined that the volcano was just a mountain.
That he was a beautiful part of nature.


The grass wisps in the wind, hoping to be blown away like a creature with wings.

-Joelena Saldana
12/3/14
I can't get him out of my head...
He's surfaced my dreams, I can't stay focused.

Every single morning,
I wake to the memory of him and fall asleep with his face in my head
and his words crawling under my skin speaking,
not singing,
but speaking in a sweet sweet melody.

Why can't I forget?

He's so many miles away.. States away.
Could this be love?
Could this be the thing I've been waiting for all these years?

Everyone tells me,
"Let him good.. You could do better..
He's not good for you.. We don't wanna see you get hurt Jo-Jo..
It's just lust.."

I feel like I'm going crazy!

Out of my mind trying to forget him.
But the crazy thing is,
me trying to forget
is me remembering every little thing we did.

Every single time we laughed,
every moment we wanted to be around each other.

He's always put a smile on my face.
Craved his kisses,
something we never did, but regret and wished we had.

It felt as if I was lost without his presence.

My day was never fulfilled without getting at least something from him.. His words..
A hug..
A laugh..
A smile..
Just one look towards me and my day would be final and complete.

I've never felt this much,
whatever it may be,
about a guy before.. About a person..

It scares me.

Now that I am not around..
Now that he is not with me,
because of these awful miles and states away.

One hundred and forty three of my days have not been complete.

Without his words..
Without his hugs..
Without his laugh..
Without his warm warm smile..
Without his glance.

I have been lost..

Confused of these days and what they might hold and mean.

I miss his touch,
I miss his sound,
I miss my eyes holding witness to his presence,
I miss his flowing intoxicating aroma that I could've kept forever.

And only one thing,
one thing that I fully regret not giving or receiving.

One thing that does appear in my dreams,
but wake to the unpleasantness of the morning rise.

A kiss..
A sweet, gentle, loving, caring, fulfilling kiss.

The taste of his lips.

All of our deep feelings would fall into that kiss.
And this kiss wouldn't have been just any kiss.

It would've been a fully remembered,
cherished for all these years,
first kiss.


Oh, S... What you do to me..
What spell you've casted.

-Joelena Saldana
9/13/14
The tears are pouring, and you're not here..
Please come back and wipe my tears. You're the one who noticed me...
You left me alone, the window to my soul is broken.

The energy and happiness, will it ever come back again?
It wasn't right, you were not ready.

You came to my heart bright red, and now you're gone
and I'm dark and cold as night.
Don't release my hand, I shiver cold.

You gave me the faith to take control.
You gave me the hope to never let myself go.
You left me gone and alone in this world.

Please don't leave me alone, I cry in fear not knowing if I'm worth being here.

Save me from my demons, capture me from the dark,
you were my guardian angel, my savior, you had my heart.
I've been dropped,
I'm glass,
shattered by a brick named Time.

I can't seem to reach the surface, something's holding me down.

Come back to my arms and let me hold you.
A gripped pillow is no comparison to you.

Please don't leave me.
You're the image stuck in my head, our memories are written with permanent marker.
I still stare out my window hoping you approach my door asking for me.

I miss your mouth pressing up against my lips and cheek.
You made me feel worth something.

I miss your calls,
I miss your words,
you were inspiration to me.

Why did you have to leave me?

We were so happy,
this can't be right,
it's an unfinished dream.

Wake me!

Wake me!!

The tears are pouring, and you're not here...
Please come back and wipe my tears.
You're the one who noticed..

You left me alone,
the window to my soul is broken,
the peace has left me-



Why did you have to leave?.. Have to die...

-Joelena Saldana
11/30/14
My dreams are getting bigger and my eyes are refusing to open.

I want to do so much more.
I want to be seen.
I want people to see me for who I truly am.

I want them to see what I'm capable of.
How strong I am,
I can only imagine how underestimated they would be.

I want them to see how big my bravery, heart, love, care, and protectiveness is.

If only they knew, they'd stop using me.
If only they knew, they'd stop trying to control my life.
If only they knew, they'd stop trying to take advantage.
If only they knew, they'd stop using me to try to make themselves look better.
If only they knew, I would no longer stay in the corner, the dark, be the sidekick.

But the thing is, the only reason why they don't know is, obviously, because of me.

I put others before me.

It may be my light, but I'm willing to give it up for another.
I know I shouldn't.
It's a waste of a good life.
But my soul.. It's as if it ONLY carries love.
It's nice, but it's not good.

My soul holds more value.
I just need to let it explore, way more than I let it..

-Joelena Saldana
Rap
8/11-12/14
How can you call your place a home when your trapped in a dome, having nothing but the feeling of being alone.
You see, I never really was the type to have something. Always glad or lucky if you had the chance not to be worth nothing.
It's hard when your scarred by the one man who was supposed to be your bodyguard till the end of the yard.
Tryna think of the place of where you made your first mistake, felt like a heartache stabbed with a stake.
Creature of the night, tryna find the light. Understand the one man you took by the hand.
All of the secrets and shadows, how could you hold me down? Feels like I'm under water, someones tryna make me drown.
I lost the breath to breathe. Baby, please, I'm on my knees help me find the peace that we once had before you mistreated me.
I'm all alone. Nothing but these scars and injured bones.
How was I supposed to know that you were a thrown rock tryna be nothing but a still stone.
It's funny when you think you know someone, then you run, next thing you know, they use you till they're all over and done.
Nothing but an act. Tryna beat the rat. All they wanted was to be the fact that you had.
As this led meets this paper and these tears meet my chin, I'm tryin so hard. Tryna make this frown a grin.
It's all over and done, I should be happy not sad. No really but it shouldn't be this bad.
I'm free!
Someone help me. Its been awhile since I've been on my own. Feels like an episode of The Twilight Zone.
No wait, I can do it. I'm feeling free.
After all this has to start with being me!

-Joelena Saldana
10/4/14
Let me loose, I feel confused, cut the cord that frees me from your abuse. I'm not your slave, I'm not one to be taken or given away. I am no trick, I am no longer a fool. Set me free or you will see what kind of a child I can be.
I am not scared, although I can not say the same for you.. You are trapped and I am free, are you prepared to see the real me?
The consequences will be paid for the actions that you have made. You clearly underestimate the girl I am, but now you know I can't be tamed. This is the girl I should've made.
You no longer have control of me. I will fight to the end, not knowing or caring where that may be.  This is for me. I will take back the time you've taken, you think I'm trapped, but you've clearly been mistaken.
You may be the maker of this game, but now I will decide who will win or have pain. And from how I see it, today is not your day.
You must read before you play.
Choose the game that will be played, be prepared for what comes your way.
I am a grenade, I should not be played with. Don't underestimate the girl I am now, somehow I am here, and I am prepared to take on your fear.

You no longer can hurt me, are we officially clear?

-Joelena Saldana
12/9/14
I should have known what you'd do. I'm sick of your mind ****. I'm so ******* sick and tired of your **** period! Just leave so I can forget your lies, your *******. I have better things to do. I no longer need you. Stop leading me on with the things you promise, but never do. I loathe you, I deeply and most definitely hate you. But the fact that I'm supposed to love you makes me hate you more. And the fact that deep deep down I love you makes me hate myself. I know what you do Father. I know all your mind games and tricks, so don't pretend that it's nothing but the truth.
They all end the same. The disappointed, sad, and crying in bed. Hating you for leading me on, hating myself for knowing what you do, but thinking that that time it would be real. It's like I'm setting myself up for heartache, misery, and ******* shame.
So just be gone. Stay away and out of my life. If you're not going to be real and stay true, you're nothing but a fake and a liar.
I am so **** ashamed of your emotional abuse.

-Joelena Saldana
12/4/14
I'm tired of your act, trying to be better.

Just don't!

Since when is anyone better than others.

We are all unique,
every single one of us.

So how are you, or someone else, gonna say who's better and who isn't.

How are you gonna judge another human being who is
completely different,
completely unordinary.

No one is ordinary,
we don't live the life of The Brady Bunch.
We are Misfits,
we are Shameless,
we are Family Guy.

So enough with the act,
different makes every single person
extraordinary,
fun,
interesting,
amazing.

Embrace who you really and truly are.

Don't waste your life trying to be perfect.


This is an imperfect world.

Joelena Saldana 11/7/14

I am in a world with family and friends, not as much, do I have to pretend. There is love in the air. Friendship and peace. I am finally in a world where I can be seen. My heart leaves no empty trace. I can find, no longer, a bottomless pit. I see love, I feel it, I am surrounded by those who care. Finally, has my prayer been answered and, most definitely, more than fair. I can feel the wind and see it blowing though leaves on trees. I can feel the sun and watch as a flower can grow. I can see animals loving and living with their family and friends. This is truly a world where I can fit in. This is truly a world with life, love, and beauty. This is truly a place where there's no need for mistakes. I will cherish these moments. I will love them forever. Because this here, is where I can say, Our lives are meant to be one, whole, and together in every and/or other way.

-Joelena Saldana
5/4/14
I'm Done - With trying to fix everything that isn't going right.
I'm Done - With all the pain and frustration. Did you know that I can't sleep at night?
So I'm Done - With trying to fix you, trying to help you, when you clearly don't want it.
I'm Done - With you telling me to defend myself when you're the reason why I am down.
So I'm Done - I'm done - So, now I'm gone
I don't care where I'm going, anywhere's better than when I'm with you there.
I'm Gone - Cause you're the reason why I have to hide all this **** misery.
And when you see people ask me if I'm okay, I just get up and leave cause I can't take telling people all this **** pain.
You're telling me that I have to get ready for what life is like - Are you telling me that life is when you're getting abused all the time?
So I'm Gone - I'm Done - I'm through - With being here with you
So I'm Done ---
So I'm Gone ---
I'm Done.

-Joelena Saldana
11/29/14
I beg of thee, do not push the girl whom fears to be loved.
Whom fears to love.  

Give her the chance to find the moment of where of where she may finally roam free.
Give her the chance to finally understand.

To understand the natures of which lie within the love and its beauty. Tis wanting the sun to appear at the strike of midnight.

You must give beauty patience.

Tis not thee whom controls, but thy whom controls thee.
You want but cannot take, tis the sun whom will not give but show it's miraculous beauty.

One should never push a woman's love.
One must never beg for a love, then the one whom holds love captive is in control.

Thy shall never push love.

Show me patience.
Show me that you can wait for my love to finally come free and explore thy's wild soul and meet the fast pulse beating heart.
Show thee the beauties of a love so delicate.

Show but not ask.

Tis asking thee that will scare thy away.
Tis begging thee that shall never appear to you once again.

No pressure.. No push..

Tis the girl whom has never loved who holds great innocence.
Tis the girl whom has seen love and has seen it's great, but grand destruction.
And tis the girl whom fears the pain, but knows no pleasurable joy that may come with it.

Tis the young woman whom is a child to love.

She must know.. Learn love, not quickly take it.


For I am that girl, so please, give me patience.

-Joelena Saldana
8/26/14
My strength and power has been clouded. I no longer have control. My blood holds still as my heart has lost the easy rhythm.
Keep it in my mind, don't blurt it out. Let my soul stay, mustn't let it show.
The sun looks warm, but I'm frozen cold.
I scream ad plea, can't let them see me.
My imagination is full of steps, chances, and bravery.
I wanna let go, I know I'll explode, but I must do what I'm told.
The silent tears feel like a drum. I just wanna be heard, like lyrics that must be sung.
Just need to breath, I must find the meanings of being me.
I'm a broken ***** glass that's only been cleaned. I am rose that has been painted black. My petals begin to think it's real, they fall one by one cast under a spell.
My arms and legs shake, I want to let them know. I repeat, " Just breathe, it's okay. Just let go.".
I want to unfold, like a creased paper that should have been rolled, and let the things that must be said, be told.
The dark scary spikes pull at my skin hoping that it rips, bleeding out from within.
His presence is a shudder. I try to stay hidden, but no matter where I go he grabs me by the arm and commands that I stay with him.
I was an artifact that should have been released, but was stolen.
I cry and beg, "Please don't hurt me!". I kick and claw screaming, "Stay away from me!".
I open my eyes and look around Thanking God it was just a dream.
I lay back down upon my pillow, and smile at my love who lays next to me. I look closer and see that he's the dark fellow.
I sit up, I breathe, " It's okay, just let go.". He's gone forever, and now I know freedom. Imaginations become reality.
All I had to do was Just Let Go!

-Joelena Saldana
?/?/10
As he saw thy eyes within shame and darkness, thy heart is beating so fast I think it is broken. As he knew my secret that I could not tell, I screamed and shouted, but I could not yell. I was sad and frightened, but angry the most, I knew he'd walk away from the girl he knew from coast to coast. As i cried every morning, every day, every night the most with most plenty of shame. I stayed up morning after morning always shouting," No! Please wait!".

I did not only lose a crush... I lost a friend the most of much.

-Joelena Saldana
?/?/?
Why doesn't dad call when we call him? Why doesn't he mean it when he says, "I love you.". Why doesn't he see us like he used to? Why doesn't he care about us who we care about him? Why does he pretend to love us? Why does he never pick up the phone to call? We give him everything while he gives us nothing. Why does he trick us into caring? Why didn't he call to say, Happy Birthday? Why are all these questions unanswerable? He thinks by loving him and caring about him makes him a greater or better man. Why can't we just meet him and not his character? I just wish I could meet HIM! Why even say, "I love you.", when there's no love involved? Why break our hearts? I wish YOU were here!!! When will my wish come true? True to see you.. Why Dad.. Why?

-Joelena Saldana
11/12/14
Where am I? One minute I'm happy, I'm here, I'm safe. The next I'm paranoid, their eyes find me and they lie still. Why do they reach me? Why do they watch?
No, not the attention. Please don't watch me. Their eyes are still locked on me, I want to run, but where to go? I'm lost, I don't know where I'm going, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I am.
They wait, attention on me. What do they wait for? What are they expecting? My life is stuck, I am at a halt. What am I doing? Where am I going? Who am I? What am I? What do they expect from me?
All I do is give and give and give. Not once have they asked for me. Not once have they wondered... Not once have they wondered, not once have they questioned what will happen to me. I give and give.
I beg of thee, please, notice me without having to be told. See me so I am visible.
I am not good nor bad. I am not a hero nor a villain. I am no fairy godmother nor a wicked step-sister. I am here as me.
I give everything, but take nothing. It get's under my skin. I want to take, but can't be greedy.
See me... See me...
What do you want? What do you ask for? Why have their eyes been stuck on me? Why do you watch me?
I am lost. I'm a fish on land. I am a young woman caged in a man's world.
Find Me!
Find Me!

I want them to find me. - I take.

-Joelena Saldana
12/13/14

A face is precious. Its beauty holds deep value.

So wipe those tears and wash those scars. Your
eyes carry secrets from street to land.

Drowning your mouth in poisons and narcotics.
Knowing that it deserves less, but more.

Trusting that nose that can taste a day's
lies and defeat.

And the ears sense of witnessing a worlds horror
and pain, and a lands honor and tender justice.

A face's truth and lie, faith and leave.

No matter what they say, a face can hold true honesty.
Depending on the one who knows how to read.

A face is a vineyard.
Holding great tastes of different wines.

Like a face, holds great mystery, all kinds of crisps,
and a soulful tune from a waves crashing water meeting a stomach,
but slithering down the throat like a rushing waterfall.

-Joelena Saldana
7/8/14
Loneliness... One of my biggest fears and yet easiest thing to talk about. The feeling of no one knowing what you're going through. Not wanting anyone to know what your going though. Having the feeling that no one will understand, knowing that no one will want to understand. It feels like time goes on while you stand still, watching the world like a movie. Everything and everyone has a color. I'm a gray. People have those happy moments: excitement; butterflies in their stomach... It feels like forever since I've had that. All I've been doing is pushing people out and away. Not wanting anyone to know what I'm going through ,because I'm so miserable. Missing them, wanting them wishing I was still there with them. I don't want them to know how I feel. I don't want people to pity me. I don't need it. I don't wish it. I don't deserve it. I've had enough of it. Sometimes all we need is someone to talk to.. Someone to hold us. I don't want the purples, pinks, oranges, yellows, etc. to know who I am and how I feel. I'm just a nothing and depressing color gray. And nobody want's to deal with a gray. They want to feel yellow, white, red, black, brown, etc. I'm so alone with my fears and disastrous moments and thoughts. I'm so full of pain that's ready to be shed, but afraid of how the actions of it will come out. Tears just wanting to be poured out like a faucet. Having nothing but the memory of when I was once happy, but now alone in fear of me. It's scary.. Having fear against yourself. Worrying that you might slip and do something you will always and forever regret. Praying to God, asking him to help you not slip. Asking him to protect you from your sad and scary thoughts. God, protect me from myself.
Please help and protect my Lonely Soul.

-Joelena Saldana
7/31/14
I can feel starting to slip away... My passion, my strength, my muse. The only thing that makes me me. What will I do? Where can I go? It's the only thing that can keep me grounded, keeps me here where I am today. I can't leave now, I can't be distant. I must keep writing. My poetry has gotten me through everything. All the drama, the hurt, the pain, the happiness, excitement, crushes, love, my anger, irritation, moments of disappointment. Its helped me through the deep deep pain my father had put me through. My bullying that I couldn't stick up to, because I was too scared and had no confidence. The love that I have for my family that was to frustrating to say that I would just put it on paper. It's amazing how much a piece of wood and led can help me and get me through. I can't stop.. I can't give up. I must find my desire once again. What ever happened to that one happy, loved, but injured child? I fear for her disappearance. Please do not leave.. Where am I without you?.. Without me. Poetry is my memory that I keep on paper. Poetry and writing defines me. Where am I without it? What am I without it?.. Do not leave my happy, but wounded heart, soul, and mind.
Please! I beg you... Stay.

-Joelena Saldana
6/8/14
There is a light. Right when it is about to end... About to die. About to leave.. To go on. There it is.. A light. Where there is nothing, but fear, when you're lonely, when it's dark and there's nothing to see. When there is no escape, where you can't do anything, but cry and think of unpleasant things, and dream nightmares in your own dark night.. It's there.. You find it.. A light. A light that will not let you go.. A light that will never leave you. A light that will not let you forget every happiest moment you've had. Every greatest and smallest thing that you are proud of. Proud to have. Don't let it take you.. Don't let the darkness take you. Don't let it know that it's winning. Don't let it take your sanity. Don't let it take your Hopes away. Your dreams, your happiness, your courage, your best moments. Because YOU are the key. You let yourself be free. Be who YOU are. Be where you belong. Be and do what's right for you. Don't let anyone have a second to take that chance to take you. Because it can't, They Can't! Nothing can ever take you. Because YOU ARE POWERFUL, YOU ARE GREAT, YOU ARE INSPIRATIONAL. No thing can take you away, steal you away from you. Because YOU ARE STRONG! And nothing is more magical than you.. Than the art of being you. Being who you are is not bad, it is not a horror, it is not regretful, But strong, but great, but more than amazing. You are remarkable! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Don't let someone have you in the palm of their hand. Don't ever have the feeling of someone or something being able to control you. Because it is YOUR life, YOUR destiny. It is you! Not he or she, not they or that, not them or it, but you. It is YOU! You control you, you have You, you are YOU! nothing but you. You hold the power! You hold the love! You hold the emotion! You hold the great! You hold the key to you!  Forever and always YOU!
You Are The Light!
So, never forget, there is always a light.
And never forget where that light came from.
You.

-Joelena Saldana
6/22/14
They all said he would change, I didn't believe them. He's had so many chances to change, so why would he choose this one. I still live in worry and stress. I have to watch myself, everything I do. I don't want to make him stressed, mad, annoyed, worried... Moving from state to state can' change a person, money can't change a person, and ( I guess ) time can't either. He does nothing with hands, but with his words there's destruction. I don't want to be scared or worried. I don't want to not be me! I don't want to change how I TALK, how I WALK, how I FEEL, and HOW I AM... WHO I AM! I don't want to watch what I do. They said that now he's different, he's changed, he's had time. But I face reality. I trust myself to know how he is from my eyes. His words hurt, his sarcasm is painful, his attitude is unbearable. After twelve years, I knew he wouldn't change. Just from a time o a year and a half... Everyone lives on hope and he image of things, but luckily for me, I know the difference. The things that people buy for others don't always make them feel happy and thankful or the other person, but for he thing or object that they bought. It's never always about money, but about true happiness and feelings. Please don't make me go through this again, I am afraid. I just want a chance to no be scared.. To be me in front of him. But this time, I will put faith on something that I've always been afraid to put emotions and feelings on... Hope. The one thing that can tease me, hurt me, destroy me. So please, Hope, help me. Just this once..
Hope.. Please--

-Joelena Saldana

When you look into a person's eyes, it's like reading who they are.. Who they'll be. Their darkest secrets, their personality, their likes, their dreams. It's where you can find their true honesty.

-Joelena Saldana
When thy feels sad with complete sorrow, I wonder if it was I who had started the trouble. With all this hurt and pain, I am afraid that I am hurting the ones I love the most. Please help me with all the trouble. No fighting. No hurting. Just comfort and love. Please help me with this if you are there. With four keys that leads a person to despair.
Love
Honesty
Happiness
Peace