I like to laugh and smile
like any other kid
but you decided that

I was undeserving

of being liked
of being loved
of being myself

I wasn't cool
I wasn't trendy
I wasn't sporty

I was just being myself

I am quirky
I am intellegent
I am creative

You Don't care!

You are relentless
You are misguided
You are ruthless

Who hurt you so bad?

You have friends
You have fashion
You have popularity

Is that not enough?

I am now untrusting
I am now anxious
I am now depressed

It still hurts till this day!

I have grown to resent you!
I have grown to hate you!
Why aren't you dead yet?

I'm sure the feeling is mutual

You hurt me
because
Someone hurt you

When does this vicious cycle end?

Admirable, Blissful, Bewildered, Curious, Capable, Compassionate, Determined, Daring, Delighted, Dazzling, Eagar, Edgy, Enlightening Enthusiastic, Elegant, Fabulous, Fantastic, Forgiving, Fictitious, Fancy, Feminist, Glamourous, Gorgeous, Glowing, Guarded, Greatful, Generous, Gloomy, Happy, Honest, Hopeful, Humourous, Humble, Humane, Heartiest, Heavenly, Imaginative, Interesting, Inspiring, Intellegent, Incredible, Impressive, Important, Indecisive, Invisible, Jinxed, Joyous, Judicious, Justified, Jobless, Jiggish, Jimp, Jittery, Jazzy, Jaunty, Kindhearted, Keen, Knowledgable, Kiddish, Knavish, Knockout, Kempt, Kween, Kin, Kittens, Kinder, Lazy, Luxurious, Lively, Loyal, Limit, Laminated, Lawless, Lightning, Lushious, Luminous, Lovesick, Logical, Modest, Marvelous, Motivated, Music, Momentous, Mindful, Magical, Memories, Merciful, Mellow, Mesmerizing, Malicious, Mannered, Noble, Nervous, Night, Naive, Noted, Natural, Nifty, Nurturing, Never-ending, Noteworthy, Neglected, Narnia, Native, Number 1, ***, Openhearted, O Canada, Obviously, Obidient, Obsessions, Open-minded, Oriented, O.K., Observing, OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD, Omnicient, Outshining, Obliged, Obsticles, Passionate, Personally, Poetry, Picture-Perfect, Positivity, Pulse, Painful, Physic, Power, Protagnist, People-Person, Pros, and Cons, Purity, Purpose, Pleasant, Pieces, Quiet, Quality, Quick, Quoted, Queen, Quirky, Quintessentially, Quest, Quick-Minded, Questionable, Quarter, Quiver, Quiddity, Quiescent, Qui vive, Quip, Quantity, Ravishing, Rapport, Reliving, Reassuring, Rebal, Rainbows, Reckless, Relaxing, Respect, Remedy, Regrets, Right, Relatable, Reliable, Rad, Ready, Responsible, Rainy days, Sagacious, Salutary, Sassy, Secure, Self-assured, Self-reliant, Self-confident, Self-disciplined, Selfless, Sensational, Sensitive, Stars, Shawn Mendes, Sénorita, Sentimental, Set, Serene, Seamless, Significant, Sightly, Trustworthy, Talented, Tender-hearted, Thriving, Thankful, Titanic, Touché, Touchy, Transparent, True, True-blue, Traveller, Transpicuous, Titillating, Timeless,Tidy, Teasing, Tender, Terrific, Thorough, Thrilling, Unarguable, Ultimate, Undefining, Under-the-weather, Unalloyed, Unassuming, Uncommon, Understandable, Undivided, Unique, Unlimited, Unstoppable, Uplifting, Upbeat, Uber, Unconvensional, Uhuh, Unbelieveable, Under control, Unquestionable, Utter amazment, Valiant, Valuable, Valid, Veridical, Valiant, Vibrant, Vigorous, Vigilant, Victorious, Visions, Vivid, Voluptuous, Vulnerary, Vulnerable, Venust, Veracious, Vestal, Violen, Vroom Vroom, Victory, Vows, Wake me up, Wise, Welsome, Well-behaved, Welcoming, Well-grounded, Woke, Whimsical, Whistler, Wholesome, Wired, Witty, Wondrous, Whilst, Winter, Wonderful, Wide-Awake, Walk it like I take it, ****-bang, Wishful, Wellness, Worth it, World-Class, Xo, Yolo, Zero

At my high school reunion
Years from now
In the old gym
They'll ask, whatever happened to us anyway
I won't have an answer for them
It'll be a shoulder shrug
Upward palms
And a colon backslash face
They'll move on to my son
Or work
Or school
Or some distant memory which will undoubtadly begin with, "remember that time"
And most likely end with, "those were the days"
And while they move on with their conversations
I will still have a colon backslash face
And my mind will be in a completely different time machine than the prom queen and the class clown
I will
By the end of it all
Have devoted what I can only imagine to be significantly more time than alotted
Thinking about what did ever happen to us anyway
And when I go home to what I anticipate being a beautiful, intellegent, loving wife, girlfriend, fiancee thing
She will
For a moment
Or possibly two moments
Not measure up to you
And I hope she won't notice my colon backslash face
That she'll end up smiling until she falls asleep

The morning after my high school reunion
I will stand in front of my mirror
And for much longer than two moments
I will not measure up
To the man you could have made me
And I will notice
I will start by ******* in my gut
Running my hands through my hair to try and imagine myself with a different style
I will analyze my wardrobe
And half way through auditing my music collection I will fall to the floor
I will cry
And with you in the forefront of my mind
I will
In true movie scene fashion
Whisper to no one
Whatever happened to us anyway
And worse than not having an answer at the reunion
I won't have an answer for myself
In an empty living room
Because I really don't know whatever happened to us anyway
One day we were
The next day we weren't
It was so adult
I was so civil
Even our break-up will be the best I ever had

The day before my high school reunion
I will cut my hair
Trim my arm pits
And clip my beard
I will iron a suit
Pick a good tie
And I imagine
In front of a mirrror
I will
Be proud of the man I have become

In the years going forward
And leading up to that high school reunion
I will
As a matter of life's course
Have no other occasion
To ask myself
Whatever happened to us anyways
But never the less
One night
Years from now
That question
Will leave me paralyzed
Scared
Heartbroken
Lonely
And even if
I am not alone
My pillow will remember
For one night
Or maybe even two nights
How to smell like you
And my arms
If only for a half a moment
Or possibly one whole moment
Will
With no luck
Reach for you

~ Christi Michaels ~

*Out in the world
where windows reflect
                     I am Special
In an ocean of people
unknown to me..
                     I am Special
Important in the hearts
to those in need
of My tender loving care
                      I am Special
Intellegent, Beautiful
Strong
Only one of Me
Perfect in My imperfection
    .                I am Precious

The world is grey.
Well...slightly more so now.
The nerve endings have healed.
Yet the numbness has lingered.
I stumble on my own feet getting out of bed.
Is it that hard to believe I’m simply.
Average.
I get more lost with compass in hand.
Although I can tell you how to find north.
Theoretical knowledge always worked in school.
But my life mentor is absent.
What happens when there is no teacher in gym.
A bunch of kids wandering the grounds.
Some fighting.
More aimlessly wagging their tongues.
Trying to figure out the social heirarchy.
Then there is me.
Smoking a cig at the edge of the property.
Day dreaming of past events.
Even then I secluded myself.
Unknowingly laying the ground work for the next ten years.
Countless routines repeated with different faces and surroundings.
Sometimes even the words would transition into the other.
In those moments I was living faux dejavu.
Losing my mind to my own reflections shadow.
If only I had read the letter My past self had written to my future self telling present me to listen to the mistakes I already made.
Maybe things would have been different.
The possibilities is what destroys the intellegent mind.
Not pain.
It’s the “why”.
The only question that will truly have no answer if asked enough.
And I can’t seem to stop asking.

so elegant and strong she seems
as she takes her seat
an aura of calmness surrounds me
the sweet hello from her lips
renders me weak
her intellegent thoughts
humble an ignorant man
yet her vulnerbilities she cannot hide
her words are a guiding lite for all to hear
take them, absorb them, apply them
for she wishes you all the best
I'm honored to call her my friend

Rain falls like pain splattered teardrops,
on what resembles a half broken heart,
worn on a sleeve for far too long,
but is only frosted pavement,
iced over by the harshness of winter,

Soon to be covered by one too many snowfalls,
erasing the memory of what was once rains canvas
to create art of actual feeling,
without hidden complexities,

Making the once crystal clear image,
to become clouded with confusing imagery,
of things even the most intellegent minds,
cannot grasp,

Which is why I find the world these days,
to be nothing less than perplexing,
the simplicity of everything is gone,
it's no longer cool to be original,
everything now has to be in riddles,

A tragic story you'd rather not let unfold,
a character you wouldn't take the time to name,
and a scene made for heartbreak,
and desperation.

I want to be said beautiful
But it shouldn't be uttered by the cursive of your lips
I want to be seen as ****
But never by the lust in your eyes
I want to be intellegent
But not identified by your lack of brain cells
I want to be known by my self
Untwisted
Unfolded
By
**Me.

Who doubts they are as smart
as they really are
Are amongst the most intellegent
By far.
For they will never be as arrogant
as some
Who think they know it all, which is just
Plain dumb!

If Man Came from heaven and heaven that means Heaven will  embrace Himself..
then women really did come from man wouldn't it make  it reasonable and accepted that Man will be conceived by woman?
Breath it self is Living in words in a body the functions it needs living because it keeps redifying itself.
Atheist and christians are identical when they say the are not the same  faith of wealth but there existence is a intellegent quest.
Why would you make a Human that Don't believe In any remark of Humanity acceptance? And the atheist a genelogy worth of cells perfecting it self? Both have a blood issue and there genes know full well that there is something that Keeps wondering Into there Cells.

The Identical is Formed The  Difference creates itself but tell me what is so different between the Rocks and the Shells your Heart and My health? The approval Of men in other words Fame it self...
what Is identical i believe is the samething that will tell us about ourself cells.

Sometimes i stare in the mirror,
looking back at myself wondering how i got here,
how i could have changed so much.

I dont see myself as i was before.

Before when i gazed at my reflection i saw someone strong, someone smart, someone ready for love, a healed itellegent woman.

But in this moment as i look in my reflection i see tired eyes, weighed down by waiting tears.
I see someone hurt, someone intellegent yet naive.
I see sorrow and pain, guilt, and insecurity.
I was once happy, lonely and not in love, but somewhat happy, happy and ready for the future.

Now im here, stuck in the present, ashamed of my recent past, and doutbful of the future.

Now a days im not so cheerful, im not so happy, and im not so optimistic.

Its crazy what love can do to you, and its crazy what someone you love can turn you into.

My soul is sufficated by doubtful love.
My mind and my heart ache from lies and broken promises.

I thought being in love meant changing you for the better, not breaking you down for the worst.
I thought love was different.
All i can say now is .  .  .


look what its done to me.