I scream for you to understand
But you will never get it.
I am forced to be confined,
Inside my own mind because you can't, won't, understand it.
Understand me.

I'm sorry my mouth is lethal
When I'm angry.
I spit venom to avoid poisoning myself.
I hope you understand.
Maybe it's just me,
Missing you.

(Fah)

You were taught
From a young age
To collect your money
Save for the future

You were taught
From a young age
That anything you can't see
Doesn't matter

And so you go through life
Collecting your money
Being very frugal
Never over-spending

But now comes a time
Where you should spend
Spend the time you
Never did

But old habits run deep
Deeper than bone
And so you continue
To play your medley of insanity

You keep stockpiling
Your pile of material goods
But you ignore
Every one of my cries for help

What are you saving for?
You'll die soon anyways
Live life while you have it
Don't forget it when it's gone

I feel trapped
In these ways
I still have a life to live
And not here, no

When will you stop?
Please
Please
Stop.

his breath staggered and clothes tattered
my body battered and thoughts scattered
i ate so much i drank so much
i kissed so much i hate so much
and all your tears caressed the inside of your eyelids
but mine burned holes in your jeans
you were the hole in my jeans and you ripped me up like the lyrics to that **** nirvana song you were so dramatic about
our memories are in fragments at our feet and in pools that flow into oceans

you've opened my eyes
to a bright new world that is so much clearer
you've opened my heart
and made myself feel welcome in my own body finally
you've opened my arms
and your body just fits so right

loving you was like the split second when you die and are revived
i felt like i had nothing but matches and gasoline
i was nothing but an unfinished book that the author didn’t want to finish
when i met you everything changed
i had learned the peace of healing
i learned the grace of forgiveness
i became whole
the fire that once burn my brain with anxiety was finally calmed
it was like driving under a bridge in the rain
i felt excited and quiet for once in life
now you’re gone and so am i
i don’t remember how to heal without you so i’ll just wait until you come back through that door
i will wait until you remember what it felt like calm the storm
walk across the ocean back to me and tell me i am worthy of life again.

it's not fair.
i feel your heart beating and it's closing off the blood flow to my brain.
i want to be able to fix your problems and know how you feel and tell you you're beautiful.
but i can't. you don't let me.

It’s 3:00 in the afternoon.
Am I happy?
Yes, I guess, maybe. Just got home from school;
Tired and sleepy. Laughed a lot,
But relapsed once again.
Why is this happening again?
I can’t let myself fall again,
Though I’m forcing it to go back for them.

It’s 2:30 in the morning.
Am I happy?
No. Demons are coming all over again.
The voices are getting to me.
They’re going to take control over me.
Things are getting worse each time.
It’s like I’m in the middle of a tug war.
I don’t have anyone, and everyone has me.
I’m always there for people but they’re
Not always there for me.

It’s 4:00 and I haven’t been able to sleep.
Am I happy?
No. I feel alone. Loneliness.
It’s empowering itself through my bones
and all the way through my brain.
Taking control over me, as if I was no victim.
I have no friends, no one to talk to.
I have to deal with my own drama and
I just can’t. I want to sink in my bed.
Let the dreams sink me in for I
Have nothing to live for.
All of this is happening, yet I go around the
halls with the bright smile on my face.
Pretending like everything’s okay when
It’s actually all a ******* mess.

It’s 6:00 and I haven’t slept a bit.
Am I happy?
No.No.No.No.
The same answer over and over.
Thinking about the same nightmares.
Dreaming about what will never truly happen.
I have bags around my eyes, but no one notices.
I try to cover it with make-up, and everyone
Believes the dark fantasy of ‘okay’ being the truth.

It’s 2:00 in the afternoon.
Am I happy?
Idek.
I’ve learned a **** lot of lessons,
Yet not one of them seem to help me tbh.
I give them to whom I call my “friends”
And I use myself as an example of being the best
And the one who suffered but already got better and is ready
To experience life 100%.
But really, is it true?
It’s all BS tbh that comes out of my mouth for trying to
Help others.
*** is wrong with me?
Who am I fooling?
Me and only me.
You’ve got to understand you have 0 friends.
No one likes you. You’re a loser to the left.
You’ve got NO ONE.


And that right there, were my demons talking.
Now you get how I feel when they come?
Yeah that’s what I thought.
No one will probably ever read this,
Because as I wrote up there,
I have no one so nobody will be ever
Interested in what I feel.
But however I write it. To feel accomplished.
To feel like I’m talking to someone when I am
Actually talking to nobody. I did this just to let it all out.
And honestly it feels good.

Dragon's heir
Title to the throne
Fleeing from the ocean surf

Ludicrous imagery
Perilous strife
Hearts ablaze with
Fire and ice

Blink and they're gone,
Those filthy sons of glitches

But a moment of reflection and every dark head bobs under the surface
Dark dreams claim no survivors
I can't go back but

Survivor?

Not so much.

Gunshot
Raining knives
All the ways to hurt yourself with one letter
You’re not even real
I mean
How can the person staring back at you with the dead eyes possibly have any soul left to save?
Dangerous, honey you’ve reached your peak
High as a **** kite
Ready to take flight into the nightosphere
You’re poison like ketamine
Flame burning like gasoline
Baby stop, before you hurt yourself
You know everyone is waiting to see that

What.
Am I doing here?
What.
Am I living for?
What.
Is my incentive?
What.
Are my ambitions?
What.
Can I do?
What.
Is there to smile about?
What.

What.
-
-
-
I dunno.
"Idek, bro."
The answer won't be written
Anywhere I go.

What.

Who, when?
Why, how, where?
I couldn't possibly answer and
I couldn't possibly care.

It's not for everybody
That thing we all do.
Sometimes it's for everyone-
Every person but you.

What.

I don't know what the f--- I'm leading
It's been ten break-downs and eyes are bleeding
And my conscience fractured through
I don't know what the h--- to do

This makes no sense
And there's a shallow edge to governance
And it cuts me like a blade
But maybe someone good could have it made

And would you fight for me
Would you fight for me
Would you fight for us,
Just fight for you

Because I'm feeling down
But maybe you can hold a tune

I cry
These lies
I’m not fine
Can’t we just be kind?

I never knew how to act
I’m sad
I never knew I was this bad
That’s a lie
I just never tried
Making a wall
Within my own mind
Doing without thinking

why do i feel so empty?
could it really be
because
We lost?
or is it
more?
what did I lose?
question is
what haven't i lost yet

idek
and i am too tired to

what  a ******* day.....
tired and busy and stressed and excited
sad tired happy pleased bored hungry annoyed hopeful depressed
desperate curious tempted.....

all the **** ups and downs

i just wanted to sleep....
but like... some of it was good
some not...

wished there was more coffee
then
wished there was more wine

basically
i'm not good
i'm not... happy
i'm just not

but man... i'm so ******* done with doctors
can't you just let me medicate myself
maybe i'll overdo something.....
maybe that's better....
i'm just.... i'm just done

and i'm mad

i really was looking forward to my knife tonight
but like... idk i'm feeling okay now....

how disappointing

no new scars for the week....

Just... just look at me
Please...
There's something wrong here
I'm not right
Idek if or when I can feel anything anymore

AND MAYBE I'M JUST MAKING THE WHOLE THING UP

why do i keep wondering that.....????

healthy people don't do that
they don't refuse to drink water
they don't regularly go 10+ hours without food
and still refuse to eat
they don't hide symptoms under abrasive chemicals
because at least then they know why you're acting weird
they don't have to take ******* ssris
cause... they're fine
is anyone fine???

can't tell anymore...

haha i'm a ******* wreck
but who cares
i feel fine
for tonight

tw: idek this is probably sensitive


CANT I JUST SELF DESTRUCT
JUST FOR ONE ******* NIGHT
JUST.... just one night....

Round up the bottles
Everything I can get
Close the door
Lock the **** thing!

Sit criss-cross on the floor
And just.... just cry and drink...
And drink.... and drink...
And drink.... and cry...
Then cut... and cry... and drink...
Watch the blood... take a sip....
Stand, and the dark room will spin
I’ll ******* laugh
This is where I am
This... this is my desperation
I’ll smile wickedly
As I place all the pills on my tongue
And swallow them with wine
Then eventually
Sleep will come for me
Darkness will surround me
I’ll be safe for a few hours

Then in the morning I’ll wake
Pretend it didn’t happen
Go about my business
Wish I were ******* dead.