"hayden" poems
*don’t you worry now,
it’s all about to change*
you told me
you were going to change
to be a better you for me
and you said you wanted
so badly to make this work
*taken all that you are
taken all that i’ve got*
i gave you every bit of me
and you tried to give me
every bit of you, but
it was too difficult
for you to try to love yourself
when you were giving
so much of yourself to me
*don’t run away from all this
it can cause more than you think*
before i didn’t want to let go,
i wanted to keep believing that
maybe
you’d be able to love me
as much as i loved you
*i’ll be gone
so turn your hands in*
and now that i’ve let go,
it doesn’t feel like you’re gone
more so, it feels like i’m the one
who has left you standing
with your face in your hands,
wishing you’d been able to be
a better you for me
*don’t you worry now,
it’s all about to change*
i don’t doubt that one day
you’ll be an amazing you
for someone else
and that one day
it’ll all make sense to both of us
*don’t you worry now,
it’s all about to change*
and i don’t doubt
that one day
i will find someone
who will love me
as much as you wanted to
May 20, 2013
May 20, 2013 at 1:11 PM UTC
Bedroom’s painted fisherman’s blue
There’s a cut out of Hayden Panettiere naked in a pink bikini with a hula-hoop on the back of the door
Copies of British Vogue desperately hidden underneath the bed accompanying an empty bottle of Glen’s
Manchester United duvet cover and matching pillows to boot
The bin’s filled with pre-packed home-made lunches from the last six months
Wardrobes a collection of ill fitting blue jeans bought for me by grandmother and football jerseys for teams that I’ve never even heard of, yet let alone see play a single game
Uniform ironed and sitting out ready for school on Monday at 8am sharp
***** clothes cover mostly all the floor smelling of Lynx’s finest even though there’s an empty laundry basket just waiting in the corner to be used
Inside one of the woolen blazer’s (that is way too big for me) pockets a single unopened ****** and an AES 256-bit encrypted USB stick
An old PlayStation 2, with a single controller; games including FIFA years through 2004 to now, Tom Clancy’s Splinter Cell, and GTA.
Blood red shoplifted lipstick that’s now melted hidden in the little secret compartment at the back, meant for network expansion.
Artemis Fowl, Alex Rider, and Harry Potter all adorn the bookcase
Physics, Maths, and IT textbooks remain firmly closed on the desk in addition to a smashed phone from me and Daddy’s last “physical altercation”
Lady Gaga’s “I Like it Rough” is playing in the background on repeat…
Aug 23, 2020
Aug 23, 2020 at 2:43 PM UTC
I, too, would ease my old car to a stop
on the side of some country road
and count the stars or admire a sunset
or sit quietly through an afternoon....
I'd open the door and go walking
like James Wright across a meadow,
where I might touch a pony's ear and
break into blossom; or, like Hayden
Carruth, sustained by the sight
of cows grazing in pastures at night,
I'd stand speechless in the great darkness;
I'd even search on some well-traveled road
like Phil Levine in this week's New Yorker,
the poet driving his car to an orchard
outside the city where, for five dollars,
he fills a basket with ********* apples.
2.9k
We were at the lofts
drinking beer and gin and whiskey
while the snow piled up against us outside
played some fifa
lost a few games of fifa
whatever I was drunk
Oh is it seriously almost three
okay me and Hayden have to go
It went bro grab bro grab
bro’s girlfriend hug
and oh look, there’s my gay friend
hug him goodbye
oh, his hands are on my face
oh, he’s kissing my face now
was that Saliva?
Oh Jesus
break away, make a quick exit
see you guys tomorrow or something
feeling like a ******** for feeling like it was ****** up for him to kiss me
am I a *** now?
**** I hope not
I like girls too much
but why did he do that?
everything was so great
he knows I’m not gay
and that I don’t care
but do I care?
the memory of unwanted saliva echoes in my head
I guess sometimes
your gay friend will give you a drunken peck on the cheek
I guess that sometimes
you have to not be such a close minded jack ***
and just deal with it
Jan 23, 2014
Jan 23, 2014 at 9:48 AM UTC
I'm leaving HP.
My heart has been
VAPORIZED.
But it is better to have
loved and lost...
I will be closing my account.
I just want to say goodbye
to my friends. I DO LOVE YOU!!!
Pradip
WL Winter
Deborah
patty m
Amitav Radiance
Vicky
Ryn
Pure LOVE
Prty Bird
Wolfspirit aka QuinnFinn
Just Melz
The Girl Who Loved Me
Thomas Robinson
Acrassin
Ketoma Rose
I Am Miss Bright Side
Joe Malgeri
My sister (Fulmani)
Hayden Swan
Rupal
Frank Ruland
Frank
SF Chan
Pamela Rose
Silver Silken Tounge
Joe Cole
Sally Bayan
Dark Angel
Traveler
Born
MyleftFootDrive
r
MissW
Dajena M
More names to come...
Not leaving till I have thanked each and every ONE....
THANKS FOR BEING PART OF THE BEST THING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME! !!!!!!!!
Apr 8, 2015
Apr 8, 2015 at 2:58 PM UTC
West side house.
By: Hayden Mills.
When I was eight, seven, six,
The older boys and girls who lived in my area,
Had tight cliques,
Most of the boys Latino, Mexican,
White, black,
Listening to 2pac and wakaflaka,
"Let ya nutz hang" was the matto for some,
Brother vs. Brother one was ended with the sound of a gun,
One bullet made the heart go numb,
Now this doesn't mean any of us lived in the streets,
Yet a lot of kids my age claimed to be,
Most of us had a warm place and hot plate to eat,
No ghetto,
But the older boys in my area still dressed in black sagged geans,
Black shirts with the white one underneath,
Shaved heads or hats or bandanas,
A chain and a watch,
So the pretty girls would watch.
Jun 6, 2014
Jun 6, 2014 at 7:58 PM UTC
"Jessica I'm pure evil" Hayden said suddenly.
"Explain that to me" Jessica exclaimed in confusion.
"I ****** silently" Hayden said laughing.
"What do you mean?" Jessica stuttered.
"Don't question me. I'm cold-blooded Jessica" Hayden pulled out a gun.
"What're you about to do?" Jessica asked.
"Look into my eyes and don't speak!" Hayden screamed.
Jessica jumped back.
Hayden pointed the gun at Jessica, then she murdered her silently.
Jul 25, 2014
Jul 25, 2014 at 1:33 AM UTC
Maybe a month ago.
I would have thought about you.
& hoped all was well.
Well enough for me.
To be able to check in.
To a small motel.
That you hold close to your heart.
Which resides on the outskirts of your sleeve.
I mean after all.
We both know I can be classified as one.
An outsider that is.
Because its been much longer than a month.
Since I've been a nearby presence.
Or even a neighboring smile.
But more of a far-off memory.
That has been followed by absence.
& if it's anything like they say.
Absence somehow has a way.
Of making the heart grow fonder.
But that was a month ago.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.
Maybe yesterday.
I would have thought about you.
& found myself.
On the verge of saying hello.
Asking if everything was everything.
From school being school.
But it's something you love.
From your family being your family.
& they are everything you live for.
From work being work.
With it being something to just get you by.
Leaving love to be love.
Where you aren't looking.
But if it were to happen.
You wouldn't mind.
& I wouldn't mind that for you.
Because after everything.
That you've dealt with because of me.
& vice versa.
We both deserve that one day.
Just not from each other.
But that was yesterday.
..& my maybe was hypothetical.
Maybe tomorrow.
I will think about you.
& pray you think enough about me.
To send me a quick text.
Or a small email.
Where you tell me.
All the things.
I've thought of telling you.
Where you ask.
All the questions.
I find myself being to hesitate.
To ask you.
But there is nothing hesitate about you.
Your words are simple.
Your tone seems to be complex.
& I find that you are asking me a favor.
That I know I will have to commit.
No response.
No reaching out.
Just giving you time.
To think for yourself.
& find all the pieces that have become ajar.
But that is tomorrow.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.
Maybe a few years from now.
I will think about you.
& time will have healed.
Just like.
All the voices I hear around me.
Said it would.
& from there.
I can meet you for coffee.
Or maybe even tea.
Where we can show each other pictures.
Of the babies we went half on.
Without you or I.
Being the other half we thought we'd be.
You named your boy Hayden.
While I named my girl Riley.
Knowing those were the names.
We picked for ours.
But we aren't bothered.
Because we are happy.
We are loved.
We are where we are meant to be.
But that is a few years from now.
..& my maybe is hypothetical.
Maybe a month ago, I would’ve hoped.
Maybe yesterday, I would’ve said hello.
Maybe tomorrow, I will pray.
Maybe a few years from now, I will heal.
But today is today.
& you are under the same roof as me.
About thirty feet away.
Where you know I'm here as well.
So you wait until I'm watching.
To smile & laugh.
Make jokes & take phone calls.
& pretend you are just amazing.
Now that I'm not there.
Which makes me show no emotion.
Tell everyone I don't care.
Because if I say it long enough.
I'm bound to eventually believe it.
But what I do believe.
Is that today is a vicious cycle.
With no maybes.
..& nothing about it is hypothetical.
Feb 9, 2018
Feb 9, 2018 at 3:42 PM UTC
Red car top down.
By: Hayden Mills.
I see these two dudes,
In a nice red car with the top down,
Two georgous girls in the back,
A blond,
And I can't quite remember the other,
While in the back seat of my dads tuck,
My ****** expression changes,
And I think,
I am nothing,
They could never be me,
Its not even in my grasps,
So why dream...
May 30, 2014
May 30, 2014 at 9:31 PM UTC
the ears
which savored
Bach and Mozart
Beethoven and Brahms
Handel and Hayden
operatic voices
as angels
lifting up to the
very thone of
God
Wagner
Puccini
Verde
Roccini
and
Bizet
.
.
.
deafening
crashes
of kamikaze
coming down
on ships
all around him
.
.
.
the boom
of his cannons
as they shot
them
.
.
.
down
now dead
hearing only
a shushing sound
the inside of a shell
the eyes
which beheld
The Great Books
loved the work of
Mark Twain
and
read
voraciously
loved art
and saw
The Bomb
being
dropped
on
Enewetak
Atol
.
.
.
now becoming
dull with
diffused
light
.
.
.
body
wizened
and
shaped
like
a
?
I am
watching
as a brilliant
beautiful
man
***SLOWLY
DIES***
pieces
of
me
fall
into
the
grave
*as
well*
.
.
.
SoulSurvivor
(C) 10/11/2016
Nov 12, 2016
Nov 12, 2016 at 2:28 AM UTC
We walked in and you were groggy
Laying in bed.
I wanted nothing more than to lay with you.
But instead I sat on the floor, pretending to admire the ceiling.
How ironic that you were wearing my favorite shirt of yours
White with blue and orange stripes.
It's the only thing about that evening that went as I had planned.
And even that was short lived.
Hayden felt at home and I felt alone.
Mike was somewhere in between.
I couldn't tell if you were surprised that I was in your room.
Maybe you were too tired to think.
But I wasn't.
So I sat there, next to the poster of Fergie
Pretending to admire the ceiling
Wondering if you'd let me clean the cobwebs in the corner.
It was a beautiful ceiling
Intricate and gold.
I couldn't imagine your room being any other way.
Fergie's *** was rubbing it in my face.
I followed everyone downstairs
they were waiting for a movie
but I was waiting for you.
I was afraid you had gone back to bed
You changed your shirt but didn't bother to fix your hair.
I like white button-ups
but not as much as the stripes.
You have very boney knees but I don't mind.
I wished I could say something clever like I normally do.
But I just can't when I'm around you.
My thoughts were wasted or already used by someone else.
That was humiliating.
You wanted to drive with us to my house.
But you didn't bother put shoes on.
We held eye contact and it looked like you forgot how to smile.
That was the highlight of my evening.
"This house is beautiful"
was the first thing I said.
Hayden said something like "It's old as hell"
And you both went on to joke about the ghosts that built it.
Jun 30, 2014
Jun 30, 2014 at 2:46 PM UTC
His friend once told me we
were
in lust
but hayden I've loved you
since I can hardly remember, there was Colorado and then
there was you, any time was a good time to be graced by your presence
I suppose you would think it's scary, to hear these things but
don't you know I would in a heartbeat, in less, in less than there is to be of
a heartbeat, I would
don't you recall all those times where the moment was only
my imagination, of course, but what did I do because you
left, and
"Nah, Dude, A lot of **** has been happening."
And there are some memories not shared,
but
there is
no lust
hayden i've loved you
since I can hardly remember
Aug 3, 2012
Aug 3, 2012 at 4:21 AM UTC
Within turbulent reflections the sun can still be seen by an altered perception; the storm has already ceased.
In the mist we calmly drift to higher frequencies.
-Apollo Hayden
Mar 30, 2018
Mar 30, 2018 at 10:09 PM UTC
Sometimes I wonder
Why?
Why am I so worried people will leave me?
It's because of
Chris
And Tanner
And Hayden
I let them get to me
Under my skin
I trusted them
So I opened up
And it felt good
And right and freeing
But look around me now.
They're not here
They learned all my quirks
And insecurities
What made me happy and sad
Smile and cry
And then they left
With barely a backwards glance
That's why I don't want you to go
Because South Carolina
Will bring you new people
People who are worth leaving me for.
Mar 12, 2014
Mar 12, 2014 at 2:15 AM UTC
to everyone who views this, please never think you're not worth a life. To somebody, you are. I may just be a stranger on a site, but if you have anything that you think you need to talk about, please talk to me if you think there's no where else to go. There's always a better option. please, don't end it. You can do great things. Your time will come.
Mar 18, 2014
Mar 18, 2014 at 9:35 PM UTC
Welcome to your local Walmart
Now used as a holding center
For American citizens
Brother Steve,
I just recently have received some very important intel regarding the
Wal-Mart in Midland,Texas. I have a friend who has just moved her family
up here from Texas to Hayden, Idaho where I reside because of Jade Helm15.
A couple of days ago she informed me of a phone call she received from a
friend of her's who just got a painting job at the Wal-Mart in Midland,
Texas. She informed me that her friend when talking to her was in a state
of shock and almost disbelief as to what he saw inside of the building. He
was told to do a paint job for the inside perimeter of the building but
upon entering the building what he saw next put him in a state of shock. He
said that once he entered the building he saw what looked like a lot of
"Jail Cells." And upon seeing that he made a comment to the personnel
their who where instructing him on his job. He told them that it looks
like a bunch of jail cells here. Are they turning this into a "Prison?"
He also explained to my friend that once he made those comments that his
job was short lived because he lost it. Because as they put it to him "They
do not want anyone working here who makes those kinds of false accusation'
so they asked him to leave. I know this info is hard for some to believe
but the source who told me this is very reliable and trustworthy and their
would be nothing for her to gain by telling me this.
For those who have ahard time digested this better take heed to this intel and realize time isgetting short and we all need to prepare not just materialistic butspiritually is the most important. The Lord is our strength and he is a shield and help.
Keep praying and believing!
God Bless You Brother Steve and all you do!
Jul 29, 2015
Jul 29, 2015 at 4:10 PM UTC
Hayden meticulously shaves his blisters once they callous
and keeps them in a bell jar that he dug
in another jar he keeps the prizes
Civil War bullets, badges and buttons
observing at all angles until falling asleep well past midnight
he watches the skies and remembers each star's place at 10:00 o'clock
and compares them by month
listens for voices in the white noise of his pocket radio
his face a stoic sculpture
hours on end in his hoodie and ear buds
on the hill that oversees Chalmers Lake
Hayden will eat quickly of necessity and return to his rituals
silent
he will watch the disturbances along the water
every firefly, every fish that glances the surface
no voice, no smile, no connection to us
yet deep behind the eyes, the stares, the static energy
there is something magnificent taking place
something we will never be allowed to see or feel
something beautiful
May 14, 2016
May 14, 2016 at 8:19 PM UTC
I don’t wanna be with anyone until they are able to make me feel the way you made me feel. I love jack as a human and I think he’s amazing and I so badly wish I could allow myself to be with him because he definitely does make me happy, but when I received that playlist from him without having to ask multiple times or even ask at all I felt nothing. I remember so clearly I got the link to the playlist you made me when I was going on cig walk and I opened it and immediately smiled and played it and I couldn’t wipe away that smile from my face, I was so happy, I don’t think I'd ever been happier I don’t think my smile went away for so long and I felt like jumping and dancing and wow I’ve just never felt that much happiness. Yeah, you make me sad, a lot, like the saddest I’ve ever been, the only person I’ve ever cried for but the amount you also made me happy just makes up for all of it. I love how you can make me so sad and so happy, and I love arguing with you because you’re the only person I can argue with without feeling like you’re going to leave me, I don’t ever want to stop talking to you and I don’t think I am emotionally capable of ever getting over you fully. Sure someday I’ll move on and I’ll be happy on my and maybe even find someone else that makes me that happy but I refuse to believe that one day I could just wake up and stop loving you. I love you so very unconditionally, I don’t expect anything back from you, and I don’t desire for us to have a relationship, I don’t expect you to be nice to me or love me back, I will just always love you. I am so scared that I’m never going to want anyone as much as I wanted you. Oh my goodness just seeing a picture of you or even staring at your blank Instagram profile made me so happy and I’m scared I’m not capable of feeling that for anyone else. I just thought and still do think everything about you is so beautiful from your eyes to your lips, YOUR TEETH, your smile, your laugh, your hands, your legs, the way you walk, OH MY GOODNESS I REALLY DID FALL IN LOVE WITH THE WAY YOU TALKED, and your voice is just so beautiful. I loved everything about you and you were all that was on my mind for so long, I wanted the whole world to see you the way I did and I tried so hard for that to happen. I love you so much. I’m afraid I’m never gonna wanna be with someone as much as I did you or kiss and touch anyone as much as I did with you. You just make me feel so much and I am so grateful for that. Of course, I would have loved for you to feel the same way as I did or at least half as much, and obviously, I am still heartbroken by you, we were so close, but I guess it just wasn’t enough, I am not what you want and I am okay with that, of course, I could never be angry at you for emotions you cannot control. Obviously, I wish you could and I’m sure you wish that as well. I think I forced myself to feel over you because I was so angry and I felt so numb but I am ready to accept that I’m probably never going to be fully over you even if I move on I will always love you. Wow, I wish we could’ve been together that would’ve been so nice, I love you so much. I hope that in the future we can think about this and I hope you loved me at least a little.
Jul 13, 2021
Jul 13, 2021 at 2:53 AM UTC
I remember a line from a movie long ago;
'There's a hole in my heart that cannot be filled'
It was five years ago I had first heard of him.
'Hayden sat next to me at lunch, Daddy,' she would sigh,
and we would tease her,
her older brother, sister and I.
'Well, you need to talk to him, tell him that you like him'
'I can't do that, the kids would make fun of me. Besides, I'm only six!'
From kindergarten through 4th grade,
this modern day Tom Sawyer had captured my little girl's heart.
We sat in the back of the church,
Hayden's Father is saying goodbye to his son.
She rests her head on my shoulder,
her strength deeper than my own.
I came to know him this day,
this beautiful child who brought a light to my own.
His huge, brown eyes reflecting love of youth
and the joy that resides in innocence.
Those moments so pure,
her thoughts of Hayden will no longer grace our lives.
How wonderful they were.
There's a hole in my heart that cannot be filled,
and the light of childhood has been dimmed.
The balance of joy and pain has come much too soon
to one so young, my little girl.
Jan 15, 2016
Jan 15, 2016 at 1:04 PM UTC
The Northern Light shone down
through the Dancing Pines.
Illuminating the Red Stag,
as it walked through Salt Creek.
Jim Beam and Ezra Brooks,
were headed to the Caribou Crossing.
To hunt for meat, for the freezer
and stock it for the long winter.
Under the Midnight Moon,
Forty Creek streamed over a waterfall.
Creating a Canadian Mist, that ringed
Evan Williams head like a Crown Royal.
George Dickel and Jack Daniels
hunted Wild Turkey, with a single barrel
shotgun, alongside the Pendleton river.
The Makers Mark, reflected sunlight on the stock.
Johnny Walker went to see
Basil Hayden, to talk about finances
and to see if he could cure
his case of the blues.
Oct 14, 2016
Oct 14, 2016 at 1:38 PM UTC
I have this tendency
To, when asked
How I am,
Say something along
The lines of
**I'm fine.
Daniel
Or Meghan
Or Anna
Or Hayden Grace
Or Will
Or my mother
Or my father
Or anyone
Did something.
Said something.
Felt something...**
I never answer the question.
I've made myself
Not matter
Inside my own skin.
Jun 18, 2014
Jun 18, 2014 at 10:28 PM UTC