As I kid I watched in wonder at the sight.
The shining goblet of Grape Juicy Juice,
Candles, flags, robes, and glorious gold-tipped bibles.
I loved the songs, the community, and the people.
Faces and arms raised to press up to the sky
Like they could literally feel the hand of God.
It was everything I'd been missing at home.
It was home cooked meals, smiles, and togetherness.
It was leadership, mentors, and pop rocks.
I joined AWANA at age 8.
We read the scriptures, played games, ate snacks,
And enjoyed the bath of warmth that God's love gives,
With the intensity and guilelessness that only kids can have.
There were no difficult questions and everything had an answer.
Until I got a little older.
The questions got harder and the words got harsher.
My mentor, Denise, loved me. I know she did, in her way.
But she didn't understand why my family never came with
To church or on my spiritual journey.
It was my responsibility to save their souls form eternal hellfire.
"Don't you love them? Don't you want them with you in paradise?"
Of course I did. I tried to tell them
But their expressions were condescending,
Like they knew something I didn't about the world.
But God wants to save them. God loves everyone.
Or does he?
Slowly there was less talk of love and forgiveness
More of sin, atonement, and apologies.
"You lied to your mother, Victoria?"
She rapped my hands with the bible
And looked down at me with disappointment in her eyes.
"You know God wants you to be sorry, but it's not enough."
She drilled it into me in increasingly violent ways.
The manifestations of my sins and their atonements became more.
More physical and more mental.
More and more rules piled up.
More and more sins piled up.
More and more lessons and meetings occur between us.
I read the entire bible. I memorized verse after verse.
I became passionate about helping others,
But instead of soup kitchens and fundraisers
We spent more time outlining everyone who would burn.
Gays, feminists, other religions, different denominations, Me.
"You don't deserve God's love and yet he gives it to you. Are you grateful?"
"You can't preach or teach, you will find a man one day who will help you."
"Hold out your arms."
Until one day found me sitting on the edge of my roof.
Wondering what it would be like if I was in hell.
Wondering if I was gone would anything be different.
Wondering how I could prove myself.
I climbed back in through the window and picked up a hammer.
The one my dad used, but never to fix things, before he left.
I laid down on my bed and slammed it into my ribs
Once. Twice. Three times.
Tears ran down my cheek
while I gasp quietly.
*Is it enough yet?

You got a mouth on you
Creative curses, constructive criticism, cavernous cynicism
Your words take flight like vultures flocking to roadkill
But after the initial attack
Your supporting facts creep forward coyly
They are spineless and limp black noodles
Slipping out the corners of your cracked lips
Knowing they will fail you
Even before they have begun
They resent you for coming on so strong
And not having much to follow up on
Reluctantly they move about blindly
Stumbling monosyllables breathy and aggravating
Littering the air, blowing around in the idiot wind
With your jaw clenched and eyes like stone
You reluctantly accept the task ahead


You go off about what little you know about politics
Just the punch lines, none of the real news
The injustice of the world gets you all riled up
Health insurance companies preying on the poor
The lack of concern people have for themselves or their fellow man
Conspiracy theories and reprimand
And what you would do if you were finally the tyrant
Instead of a member of the oppressed
You discriminate against those around you
By their race, ***, tattoos, religion, and zodiac signs
You are a new breed of the inane

Guilelessness frightens you
Though you hate the feeling that everything is sugar coated for you
So you don’t buckle under the impact of the truth
You wouldn’t have it any other way
Because the truth will make you cry instead of set you free
Lies swarm around you like flies
Clouding your eyes with false perceptions
You are drugged by smooth words
Slipping out loved one’s lips like honey
and swelling in your ear  
The sweet patronizing nature of it
Makes you cringe to no end

My mouth is far from clean
I make all the wrong moves
Say all the wrong things
Looking out for personal gain
And resentful of those who have the skills I pine for
I try to repeat my words
Lull them into submission
Forgive myself for the things I’ve done

To silence my sin I punish myself
with a lavender bar of soap
The bitterness makes me numb
It lingers long after it is gone
It serves to plug that nasty dribble from making its way down my chin
I accept the necessity of wiping the slate clean
My palate is far from being cleansed
But that doesn’t stop me from scrubbing

The smell is a sham
Hiding the underlying fact of filth
I draw the bath
And let everything around me bubble
Rubber ducks smile at me
Like dauntless sociopaths

I look into the murky water
And there you are staring back at me
You mirror me mockingly
Your eyebrows arched in surprise
You got a stick of soap hanging out of your mouth
Your teeth sinking in deep
Like a dog that won’t let go no matter how much you pull

Taking hold of my body like a puppeteer
You force my image to disappear
And be replaced with yours
But this feeling of identity lingers in my ability to fear
The cold air sends chills down my shoulders
Little goosebumps ready to hatch out of my porous skin  
Your eyes always following mine
Ready for the to chaos to set in

Your malevolent attitude slips off
like a winter coat dropping at your feet
and now you're like a new duckling
fuzzy and childish
filled with wonder and fear  
fresh and clean
scrubbed raw and bare

You look into my eyes
Reach out and grab me by the arm
Ease me down in the water to calm my shivers
Even underneath the warm water
My teeth chatter
My oxygen is gone but you hold me still
I breathe water in and choke
Panic strikes and I try to find your eyes
Searching for an explanation
But then you are gone
As if the pressure of your hands were never there

I gasp quick short breaths
Sweaty soap suds skates into my eye
The sting is overpowering
And I feel like I'll go blind
I squeeze my eyes tight
The burning refuses to subside
So I submerge my head in the water
And try to accept what I cannot control

I gather my strength there
The red darkness of my eyelids
and the thunder in my head
and the veins that strike and bulge like lightning
Allows a calmness to set in
My hair drifts like seaweed
Caressing my skin
We share a moment
in the lukewarm water
The turmoil of our existence
Finally settling in still water

You and I are one in the same
We share a name
Although I claim you are my alter ego
I am not a double edged sword
Just a two faced *******

One side can be as clear as day
Transparent in every way
Right as rain
She is loyal and submissive
She is pure and clean
Not much to be seen
Open and honest to the extreme
Not scheming or selfish
Never thinking of the responsibilities
or the commitments she has made
She enjoys her own company
And is perfectly comfortable that way
She never keeps secrets
Or spreads words of hate
Just plain and careless
She doesn’t talk much
but when she does it’s all the same
Her words mean nothing
She never lies or has much ambition
She is monotonous and prefers to be hidden
Set in her ways of gambol
relinquishing thought and time
And the words collecting in her mind
Recoil to unkempt corners
And she pressures the neurons synapse to detach
And leave those thoughts in space
No trace of activity left
All the brainpower she has
Focusing solely on how to navigate
Through this rocky terrain

The other is jaded and bitter
Never clean
She explode and implodes
Always spewing words like bullets
Defensive and vengeful
She enjoys the aura of grunge
And flaunts the obscene
She successfully keeps people at bay
With her attitude and disarray
She loves the smell of her own sweat
She is in love with herself
Trying to perfect her form
She thinks she’s real tough
And capable of so much more
In her mind she is lanky, strong, and tomboyish
But she’s just as weak
Physically and mentally
As the girls she derides  
Angry, selfish, shallow and sullen


The two share the same ignorance
But this one loves to talk anyway
Going off of emotions rather than logic
And hating everyone for calling her out on her *******
Her superfluous angst is unending
But she brings it her upon herself
And refuses to see the connection

They fuse into one shoulder-conscious body
Insecurities rule their life
But they act superior
Detesting and dismissing ardent love
And they return to their reflection
To find solace in the image it shows
But they find ways to deconstruct reality
If just for a moment
And return to a pile of dust rather than a mountain of flesh
Flying effortlessly in the wind they were baptized in
And break the wall that separates them

The touch, it makes me weak it makes me strong
makes me feel that I belong
when I reach
and become enthroned under your arm
I belong

to the skin and not the deceitful lies
to the nature that is mine
those evil ugly spies
that despise
my internal
eternal
purity

there's a body pressing inside of me
holding me
from wriggling free
and when my guilelessness breaks from it's digging piano wires
and I lay
my desire to be touched
on your skin

theres a small opportunity
though
I'm mute
each tear length finger tenderly on the edge of your consciousness
touching like pen to paper
of my inner fears, hopes, disposure
and even so gingerly
I know
I know you feel me
and its depth
it's radiating heat
before I come

I'm a child with my cheeks pressed to a screen door
I move as though my body should ******* like dried mud
as though my yoke is exposed

but surprisingly
I've the hunch to know
that you feel my heaviness
to know the weightlessness I feel
in my soul
you reach with your minds eye around its negative space
and feel its sorrow
though it needn't be real any longer
because the lies are fake
you move like a ghost in my soul
through the layers of my existence
until you reach my blinding light
that smiles with blinding stars
and cries with pools of joy in every corner of my face
in spite of the darkness that tries to influence us
influence as it may, to block me
I know you see me
because it permits me to breathe
loosen the strings of this
of the injuries
of this mask
of what it has taught me
digging raw behind my ears
through the experiences
that cant do more than to try to contain me
the person, the essence, I adore above all else

When this cast is cracked
my lithe body
my bones tumble out
like a newborn animal
exhausted
into a tender pool, locked lovingly around your body
with your will
and its silent attentions
I'm safe to empty
to heave the waters of my deepest
perpetuating well
with agonizing throbs of pain in my arms
to feel the weight
live the weight
to finally know it's release
If I desired, or I so choose
I could flood the very color from my eyes
I can do this very thing
You must know the feeling
behind my face
when I lunge the gallons from my linen canvass
Thank you
for this safe place from the world and its composing times, overseen by your perceptive silence and compassionate lovely gaze

Above all logic are your ideals
Beyond reality are your philosophies
Your mind yearns for what is not
Only the surreal is what you see
When will you forsake this guilelessness?

The serpents bite you blatantly
As if the flocculence of the flowers
Did not contrast with their suspicious scales
How are you such a walking tragedy?

Blindside after blindside has been dealt you
And still impending affliction awaits you
Because your feet tread where angels would not dare
The light of wisdom points your way
But you falter sightless in the mystic darkness
That is the cloud of fog wherein your head is suspended

Day dreams of knights armored in shining amour
Riding in to save your battered bleeding heart
Might not unfold my dear
Remember that the knight may be another pillager
And his slick armor just another Trojan horse


Nellie Nkosi