Tick tock
        Tick tock
                 Tick tock

It's already 5am
And here I am
Wide awake

As thoughts run
Through my head
Like a bullet train

Am I relapsing again?
Or I'm just on the edge
Waiting for a helping hand?

Or maybe I'm letting it be
For I've missed
Insanity to seep inside of me

Seeing that I am able to write
Shows clearly that
Hypomania has arrived.

Welcome back,
                 My frenemy.

You’re a poisoned rose in a wedding band,
A glad eye with a stabbing hand,
A tumour ,vicious rumour surrounds you,
BP Exxon -death abounds you,
I first found you amusing and witty,
cutting remarks a stick with both ends ******-

Gutter scumbag with a glaze of charm,
Only interested in doing harm,
A sociopath with a crocodile smile,
always had the last laugh,- real fight? Run a mile,
Backstabber Judas priest,but **** was I deceived,
Each Lie you sold I truly believed.

I stood by you ,defended you til the bitter end,
Bitter irony I know,with you as a friend,
Who the **** needs enemies, its all a front,
An affront to my instincts,get out of my life you ****.

chorus

"My toxic friend this is the end get out of my life for good,
Every time you smile a child dies you’re up to no good,
Don’t call me-text me unfriend me before you end me,
You’re the epitome of the new word-Frenemy."

Now I hear you’re spreading rumours behind my back,
Bad move,wrong play better stand back,
Your malicious manouevery no longer stands,
I’m two steps ahead your end is planned.

You better watch your back,you’ve got no back up and no spine,
Juggling hedgehog maze lies through a field of land mines,
I’ve got my eye on you ex pal,don’t worry your time’s come,
we’ll see who can outrun the .45 from a gun,
That you’ve been begging for for years no tears at your end,
You’re a poxy oxymoron my toxic friend.

So come out to play my way and see who draws first,
I guarantee you a surprise not my blood burst,
Flying in the air like a hose god only knows,
You’re a fly in my eye a burr under my skin so out she goes,
The left that hits your jaw will saw your head from your neck
You talk a good fight,good night,I’ll leave ya wrecked.

chorus

"My toxic friend this is the end get out of my life for good,
Every time you smile an angel loses wings you’re no good,
Don’t call me-text me unfriend me before you end me,
You’re the epitome of the new word-Frenemy."

You are my best friend,
my loyal companion.
My sunshine on a cloudy day,
My spark in a starless sky.

You are my worst enemy,
my biggest nightmare.
You betray me everyday,
you hurt me more and more.

You are my addiction,
My Frenemy.

Hundreds of thoughts
starts a fight
and I'm the one on losing side
And I have to face it ,
cannot avoid
They do not play fair
their debate
goes nowhere
It starts somewhere
and do not end
They make loud noises
each one with own voice
gives my head an ache
too much to take
Tires me out ,
brings me to the state
that I succumb to their whims
burn down my own dreams
I can't win against me
my very own frenemy

There’s a part of me you can’t abide,

but don’t mind me, I’m dead inside.

I’m cold, confused and alone,

left to wallow on my own.

You can keep on cutting

But I won’t feel a thing.

Let your knife sink in,

twist it round and go within.

Stab my heart,

I’ll fall apart.

Kick me to the ground,

there’s nowhere left to run around.

I can’t change myself for you,

there’s nothing left to do,

crush my life away,

It’s just another day.

How do I manage to lie awake
long after the sun disappears and the moon and stars light up the darkness surrounding me
just like you used to.
I'm not sure how after all this time
you haunt me more than just in my dream of happier times
like going on car rides for hours or walking aimlessly around your neighborhood
just for something to do.
Instead I have endless thoughts of what didn't happen:
the zoo date that never surfaced,
the cute little surprises you always told me not to tempt you with,
the picking me up at my front door before a big night you promised I would never forget.
I guess you were right about that part; I never did

forget. And as I lie here hopelessly in love with the ideas I still have of what we will be, are, or more like used to be,
I'm haunted more by what wasn't said than what was. Secrets don't make friends
which explains why we turned into enemies.
Or more like frenemies;
not friends and not enemies,
just strangers with a lifetime of memories.

Drink me away
Drink me away
Drink me near

Where's you fridge
I need a beer
To help forget
And to add more calories
I didn't eat today
I hope my momma's proud of me

Give me love
Give me life
Give me *** for memory

***** and redbull
Is my frenemy

Bring me to waters,
Early in the morn.
Bring me to waters,
Two doors from the dorm.

We meet once again
always standing face to face
with a questionable glance
and an unfamiliar trace.
emotionless and still
testing out a smile or two
in yet, a judgemental stance
curved mouths that don't feel true.
And of course sometimes we dance
& re-enact our favourite scenes
do extreme fashion shows
before stepping outside by all means.
A peculiar friend you are
& a puzzling character too
who makes me feel like a queen
or implies that I belong at the zoo.
We are one & the same
yet so foreign-
The being in the reflection
of my silver screen.

When I was a child,
I was given a silver necklace by my father,
Told the stories of how it was there when he met my mother
And cherished it dearly.
But as childhood would have it,
I lost the necklace,
In a full contact game of two-hand touch football,
In the backyard of my frenemy neighbor.
I searched for hours in the grass,
Coming across spiders, quarters
The remnants of dog’s passed,
But never again saw the silver chain
With the little cross
That was the closest thing I ever held to God.
Now I look back,
To the necklace, the touch football games
The neighborhood loving brawls,
And realize youth is an object,
It’s something we hold close
But never realize the importance of
Until years later,
When we miss it
Around our necks,
And we regret
Never truly
Falling in love
With what we had
Before it was gone.

Think of it all,
Let it plague you.
Embrace every feeling,
It's poisonous too.
But it's addicting,
I can't get enough.
Give me more, more...
Such a foul taste.

I'm hooked forever,
There's no escape.
An unwelcome guest,
Yet I still make their bed.
More increased the yearning,
It's stuck in my head.
I've succumbed for years,
Wallowing in this rut.

You look in the mirror and know bloating is your enemy
You have people tell you, you are too flat
You are not skinny, you are not fat
When food can be your frenemy

You put in all this work
You have people tell you it will never be enough
You are not strong, you are not weak
When your body can call your bluff

You always try and stick to the rules
You have people tell you that you could do better and include this and that
You are not memorable, you are not forgetful
When your diet looks like something you do not get at

“creamy unto delicious” he marvels and marvelously replies,
when a hazy memory from mournings past asks howz it taste?
this café au lait in a french  handleless cup big enough to drown
your bad dreams, just the thing, the A way to start to day, manufacturing schemes to wipe the slate or just add to a long longingly “to never do” list, time frozen, whitened emptily clean, a familiar frenemy

but staying in bed on a beauty of mostly sunny, partly cloudsy day,
is tempting now that he is armed and dangerous with mug gigantic,
doing nothing is so sublime, until a lunchtime of Corona and lime,
reminds you that dinner planning will be needed under the influence of vin rosé, ordering by app so easy, marveling at the choicest array, easy quick under his non-currant existence, wordplay for no-audience

when there is no one there to disagree or temper your eyes appetite,
or bring you café with heart designs in caramel and white, or inquire
howz it taste so you nonetheless reply out loud with tears while wondering how memories live-on, in drinks and catch phrases,
you answer when she no longer, not here to ask, to gentle reprimand,
but answer the answer to everything, with an all encompassing
    crémeux à délicieux                           creamy unto delicious,
reminder to David, you now, king of nothingness, shepherd of no one,
no longer need a real voice to answer unto anything



~for my lover of everything french~

My aggression is small like an
Empty balloon,
But with too much tension,
It could fill this **** room.

I can cause you discomfort
If I choose to.

I'll ruin your life
If I pursue you.

There's no boundaries for me
Once I seek what I seek.

No surroundings of peace
Once you come challenge me.

I'll be an amazing friend,
If you let me.
But an even better enemy
Once you offend me.

Please don't test me or play,
'Cause I'm the best at games.
Bring a friend to the Heavens,
But a foe to the flames.

He says hes my protector
And some days he'll be my lover
But if he's gonna be both
He must learn how to take cover.

Those who fail to know
From head to toe
What I represent
They who are filled with apprehension
Strving to cage me in sin

Please recognize I am no peasant
Nor am I one of omniscence
Just one with daring endeavers
Dreams of heavenly treasures

Forgetting to realize that I am the one who needs the most attention
Most protection from my intentions
Is the **** part I forgot to mention.

I am my own enemy
Or shall I say frenemy
Because im honest with advice
My conscience always giving me insight
But then my lower self comes destroying life
Self destructing...DYNAMITE

From understanding the self to then losing chess
How will I ever be able to live like the rest
Success
Living righteous

Will I ever see light of day or will it be darkness filled sorrow again tomorrow?

sometimes I get lonely
in a world that can’t or won’t slow down
insulated by the angry walls I construct
isolated by the speed of things
voices speaking quickly
echoing the same words
in the exact same way
expecting different results
repetitions rudeness assumes, “You heard me!”

sounds and verbiage bouncing off walls
severing the links in concentration’s chain
classrooms, lecture halls and dinner parties
rendered like rumble in underground parking lots
pushing me into a hermit’s darkness
within a crowd of people
somedays the mountains call to me
and I want to go live in a cave
with no one to talk to but my echo

the buzz of memories ringing in my tinnitus
echoes from the past
a straight pin dropping
my old alarm clock’s siren
freeway traffic’s rush on the day
they yanked the tubes from my ears
first, third, fifth would have been so cool
instead, three dis-chord-ant tones reverberating in my head
constantly confuse my comprehension

echo is my frenemy
always close by
but laying in wait
like a shadow standing in the window

The obits I've read, 
are one sided.
He or she was always 
dedicated to their family...survived by....in lieu of flowers....
And that was it.

I'd like tell you about a friend, 
and say, among other things, 
what else Jack's obituary should have said.

We got along, off and on, for many years.

His most outstanding characteristic was,  
he was a sponge for facts and ideas--
science, politics, cultural trends
That was his thing.

Many a lunch hour we and others ate,
solving world problems. 
On a good day, we could smother conservatives with facts,
and outshout them too.
Jack leaned liberal, but carefully reasoned his positions,
which meant that I mostly agreed with him.

He was thin-skinned and a poor turn of words,
he would silently seethe.
That was the frenemy part.
Afterwards we avoided each other,
until after some time, 
once or twice as long as a year or so, 
we spoke again, 
almost like nothing happened.

Jack read a lot, mostly nonfiction 
Lots of science, with some Asimov in his past

He was dedicated to his profession and stayed current.
Customers trusted him and he served them well.
He only worked at one place, 
mostly because he liked the job
and some of the people.

But if a project didn't appeal to him,
he could also be Mr Passive-Aggressive,

He followed the arts and drew,
building a rig for two point perspective,
his doodles were marvelous.

Jack's character was as complex as his  interests.
He described his diversity with "I'm just a dabbler."
Humble, yet proud. sincere but a little perverse.
But not really a dabbler-- he dug deep, a lot.

His passing was sudden and his obituary had gaps.

Gentle dangers
in the dead of night

Speak pleasantly
till all's not right

Soothsaying beasts
of no taxonomic order

Ravage our dreams
at our weakest border

Try to hither and halt such a
nasty scheme

Allows doom to convalesce
as the demon's eyes gleam

Better to walk with the creature,
play with it in jest

Embrace its ghoulish features,
but never let it get the best

Alloy once turned to gold,
so lay Reason down to rest,

That an enemy becomes an ally
at the soul's behest.

the hardest surgery is the one you perform on yourself.
Steady?
Ready?
No anesthesia but a chuckle of nervous humor
the first incision across your heart.


When you finish (many months later)
you put the scalpel down, wave weakly
to the clapping colleagues hugging each other in disbelief
from the observatory, sterile and eager
you give them a wan grin
and hope they've watched closely
so that now they know how...
how to do this.

At twenty-something, I was taught by Fear
who said nothing matters
and then at twenty-something-else I was taught by Faith
who said anything matters
And she wasn't the Sunday kind of Faith that you find
clasped between your palms, clasped like you're afraid
that if you let go the Faith will just tumble out and break.
No, she was the Faith that was bigger than God and so intimate
that sometimes I was the Faith, sometimes you were the Faith,
and sometimes the Faith was me.
So really, Faith doesn't have a name.
But Faith and Fear, they both breathe, they're each lung
and when I fill one, the other billows, after all
you need two to breathe.

And so then I, feeling bold, learned about Bravery.
I had heard about it in newspapers and history book indexes
and in our local volunteer firefighters.
Wondered if I could buy it.
Wondered how much it goes for.
But I couldn't find Brave until the moment I gave up on it
and said, ***** it, I'm so scared but I don't care anymore,
I'll just do it, Brave be ******.  
And surely enough, it was hiding beneath the tremors.
So really, Brave was the Siamese twin of I'll Just Do It.
which, by the way, wasn't in the glossary of this or any history book.

Everything changes, you know?
I'm changing, you're changing.
Oh, it storms me like the sea!
I secretly raise my glass to stasis, my faraway frenemy.
Don't tell the other Sagittarians, they'd exile me surely.
Change, letting go of my old faces
feels too close to dying,
feels too close to leaving you behind.

And I'm not ready to leave you behind.

Oh the West, keep your Mountains.
If only for a little longer.

I've excised my soul again and again
transplanted and sutured
but there's just no time.

Even with these visions from under the knife-
there's just no time to heal
before I'm laid on the table again.

Faith hold me-
Fear teach me
so I can...

Steady.

Please- stay with me.

*Ready?

The point of pain
is to get you to notice
if your trigger warnings
to flee the scene.
And what’s that saying?
You want to see a victim
without help.
Who is the one snickering in the corner
pretending one didn’t eat all the cookies
leaving one’s neighbor to starve.
I see your passive headlights.
Super-flu-us of your own designs.
You only wish you could get to me
so you try to take my place instead.
How can one take another place
before finding one’s own?
Or supplant another’s home
without upending your own?
Foolish child hiding one’s own true heart
to be seen as a star
by putting on stuff that appears like stardust
blingy and bright but without any real light
of its own being created pure and supreme.
Somehow I see I’m already living the dream.
But you look and see
your projected screams onto me
and you can’t embrace what I bring
because what would that make
what you invested in saying?
Hold onto those words
to the bitterest ending
pretending the darker the chocolate
the better the berry.
It’s all finer still in the end
cuz no end is ever approaching
except the end you imagined for me
in your own dark hidden and ***** corners.
But what you don’t get
when you **** that trigger happy smile
is that the end is only real
from your own POV.
So you’ll be mulling
and overturning
with a smirk and clinked glasses
while I am always
and forever
only reposing in bliss
that you keep forever missing

No sooner through the door
than spider-legged anxiety
scurries back haphazard
like a frenemy whose cactus skin hug
begins in September and ends in July

Felicia,
I'm off my meds and I need you.

My mind is somewhere between 
rock bottom and a dark place

My mind is my frenemy
that I'm sleeping alone with. 

I feel more alone again.

Felicia,
If my minds the weapon
How to I get my heart 
to back me up?
Because it feels like 
it's set to self-destruction

my own prophecy self-fulfilled

Felicia,
How come I'll never get the time back I killed?

What about the madness 
and how it manifests 
into impulses?

Like biting my ******* lip.

and how come I imagine everyone naked still?

I feel like biting my tongue off
when it's freudian slipping
But I need that for the times
when these fantasies start projecting

Felicia,
I'm sorry for all those times I swore in your office.
I'm the impatient patient still locked in the waiting room of my mind

Waiting for the ******* world to fall in my lap. 

Felicia,
I'm ready to dig myself out of this bed I made in falling for tired cliches when all I needed was a metaphor.

Words are beautiful.
They can reshape reality.
Vibrant and bold or light and subdued.
The thoughts you express, are infinitely hued.
So many shades dictated by soul.
Unlike a picture, they can leave a hole.
Interpretation is your frenemy.
Some will understand you and others will hate.
It all depends to how they relate.
In your beautiful words some might see error.
Miscommunication,
The ultimate terror.

I meant to add to the last one
That its agonizing for me.
And by that I mean,
I hate not being your friend.
But it's the right thing for me, I think.
It's the only way I'll ever be able to get over it and process properly, cutting ties with you.
Because as long as I'm tied to you, I'm also always going to be tied to him.
And I don't want that.
As much as I love you.
As much as I miss you.
I just can't do it right now.

Why, hell-oh Mr.Insecurity.
You look so attractive today,
much better than myself.
Your omniscient grip around my larynx is comforting,
you know,
comforting in the way that a tumor won't abandon you;
like a frenemy, a parasite,
feeding off of your good ideas and healthy tissues.

I love you
Mrs. Unknown Future.
Your surprises are so comical,
like a whimsical double homicide
and I am a mere rubber-necking piece of evidence
in your routine.

Dreary little Lonely comes along
stealing all the fun we weren't having.
Why must one be so selfish
with that which does not exist?
Not in spirit, nor in form,
not even in feeling or sound.
Just robbing one of the possibility of a maybe idea.
What if I wanted love?
Or a moment with the warmth of a grandma's homemade cookie.

You all rob me of the concepts I can not comprehend,
because i can not feel.
That is only a wish,
a lie,
because I do feel, too much,
but can not figure out
how to make you all leave me  a sane homosapien.

Sitting in a large room
with a few people
around - 2 friends,
20 acquaintance,
One frenemy, and
50 sloggers with a frown.
Every time I look at their filthy face
I tend to rub down
the pain the sarcasm
They use to bring me down.
I often
fail to understand
the purpose why
these ******* are still
running around
For, I find this place
to be ideal for dressing down.
Everyone here looks stuck,
behind the thick walls
of the glorious fraternity
with hidden brawls
trying to solve unworthy affairs
when all they can do is a conference call.
They are highly judgemental and fail to express
the agony behind their not-so-happy face.
Broken and shattered,
Cause they never really mattered.
with their morality scaling down
laughing while facing a nervous breakdown
these losers are nothing but a big pile of
something in the colour
"Yellowish brown."

Why do we hide
Behind screens and devices
Confronting our problems
Like drones upon Isis

Dumping our waste
In a news-feeding sea
Then digging up dirt
On our best frenemy  

Swipe right for love  
If you tryna' hit
As you kindle the flame
And then hashtag it lit

Processing feelings
Like androids alone
Despite the reception
From every iPhone

So disconnected
Though closer than ever
To google chrome answers
All searching together

On profile pictures
You can judge a book
When the moral of this one
Is how do I look

Unfiltered facades
Of half-life expression
Selfie-absorbed
Anti-social obsession

Objective dimension
Of pretense inanimates'
Unblocked accounts
Of inactive inhabitants

Dwelling in shallows
Of in-depth distractions
Profiting off of
The Twitter war factions

Stop buying shares
Of the media Marxist
Still selling your souls
To emoticon artists

Admittedly, I still read some of your poems.
I did, just now.
You wrote that sometimes you think I forget that you were his victim too.
But.
He never ***** you.
He never abused you.
He never made you feel like you were worthless,
Always the last choice,
And he certainly didn't take your best friend away from you.
I remember picking out your white wedding dress with you.
I remember how beautiful you looked in it,
With it's laced back and fitting form.
I remember being happy that you were happy.
But in the room, as you tried it on,
I also remember feeling a little betrayed.
A thought nagged at the back of my mind:
"How could she do this, knowing what he's done?"
I still don't quite understand how you can be with him.
I don't know what the appeal is.
How could you walk around town holding onto his arm
Without thinking "they know what he is?"
Why do you want to be the girl who married a *** offender?
Why do you want to explain to your neighbors that your husband is on the registry?
I just don't get it...