We hear about ****** assualt more these days,
and yes that has happened; Me, too.
But we don't talk as much about the near misses.
The time when I said no
and he tried a few times and gave up
Or the times I said no
and he put himself inside me for just a moment before rolling off
Or the times I said no
and he put himself inside me
for a few minutes
Until I grew louder and pushed him off.
The time
with my boyfriend
when I consented
But half way through his mood changed
and it did not feel loving
Or respectful.
It felt vindictive
And cold
and he must have felt my body
Tense
But he continued anyway.
Or the times
Too many to count
with my husband
That I participated
because I knew resisting would
Lead to an argument
Or anger
and sometimes
Aggression.
Was that ****, too?
I don't tally it under the same column.
But it wasn't fun.
And I think about it often.
And my body feels fluish.
Like the sense you get that a cold is coming on.
But it never fully surfaces
So I can never fully recover.