drag me by my finger tips
scrape across the floor
dislocating, tearing, stretching,
disinigrating oh so slow.

mutilated piece by piece
you destroy my innocence
lost in this trembling sensation
my body does it quake.

grief occupies
my only space
disgrace is all
that fills me up.

deathly silence
stretches high
clinging tightly
in these lingering thoughts.

lead me on another path
distract so it cannot continue
now i know...it is you
my souls true obsession.

We talk, but only in my dreams and when i awake in the morning i wonder if maybe you might of actually been there, but when i've blinked my way to the surface and realize that im laying there alone and have been since I first layed down alone, you were never really there and havn't been for what feels like centuries. Disappointment and a mixture of anger sink's and I rush out of this bed that once held you. When i've clawed my way out of the grave of nights filled with what now is a ghost, I look around the room and replays upon replays flow through and out into the open like a 1920's projecture. After being glued down to this floor by the sea of memories trying to take me down, I walk out the door and when I do, the oceans spray hits me like your hair did when we hit the bed and for a minute, I feel you, all over me, every inch, like grapevines on a forgotten building, take over what's left. But I rip through it all cause I don't like to be broken down. I head up the staires and fall because your voice keeps calling me, pulling me back, climbing up to my shoulders and pushing me down as if my legs are slowly disinigrating. As I lay there, in defeat, every inch of my body is tooken over by the feel of you, your voice, your touch, your smell, your taste, your ghost. And while I talk to you in my thoughts you louer me in, word by word, inch by inch. I'm sailing away, back into you, away from myself, in a sea of defeat. As I sail closer and closer to you, the wind picks up and steals everything. The voice, the touch, the smell, the taste, my sense of direction. It steals all from me and leaves me in the sea to fend for myself. As I float, the waves grow higher and higher and take me down under. As I get pushed down, farther and farther by the pressure of the unknown, I start to give up and realize there's really no need to fight because theres nothing I can do. Nothing I can say. Nothing. So, as this scene comes to an end and I hit the ocean floor, I then look up and see that everything's come to a rest and all is calm, I then look up and see the world. The world in which doesn't involve me. A world in which doesn't realize where i am nor does it care. A world in which was mine. A world in which is you.

(c)SeanaseaWallen 2010

I dont wanna do this anymore I have zero desire to live.
To feel what im feeling.
To go on with zero worth nor purpose. Robbed of being a mom to my kid.
No rhyme or reason to the madness that has become and that is my "life" .
No longer believing god created me to be a passionate and loving, woman mother and wife.
My body hurts, my head throbs, my heart bleeds, & my soul aches. My breath is taken. Gone.
Either quick short cut off repetitive gasps....or long deep sarrowful sighs....**** near every couple of minutes that pass.
That's not breathing at all....that feels more like suffocating... disinigrating...
Here me loud and clear.
This darkened circus I speak of, is far from imaginary.
It creates, defines, & overrides my reality.
Slowly sinking.
Hereing nothing.
But the taunting click of the clock ticking.
I fantasize of my bleeding...without stopping. Untill there be no more to keep dripping.
Im exhausted and warn down.... By this repetive war im always fighting.
They want to know of who is the enemy that sends me running.
Interesting..
The enemy?...
Sense the beginning of time, my greatest enemy has always been.. ME..and only me.
True ******* pitiful story.
The same sad story,
About how nobody gets me.
Why won't they listen?
Open thier eyes, and even attempt to ******* see!
But iv3 become a ticking time bomb.
The list of times I've tried and failed has gotten so long.
Too long.
Even when i feel strong..it all still goes so wrong.
Stringing me along.
For the ride in which leads & ends to a land of nowhere.
To the bottom of the darkest despair.
Where all the wounds the cuts and the bruises are beyond repair.
Yet tell yourself as you look at me and pretend to care...
That all this just isnt fair.
But you have no idea the mass amounts of pain trauma and suffering...its seems as if I were created to bare.
Its crazy how I manage to **** up but yet I still manage to learn.
I somehow manage to take 3 or 4 steps in the "right"direction..
And even see the rickety tables begin to strengthen and turn.
Relationships restore slowly,
Opportunities arise .
My pieces start to pull back together.
No longer drowning in the tears that fill my eyes.

But wait....what's that? ...
oh yea,
It's the same old same old fanfuckingtastic, never ending, experienced more than one time,  demise...
That builds itself into ultimate failures... fueled and fed by a web of the same old ******* lies.
It's a vicious cycle.
Turns out this isnt really a "life".
Not at all.
This... is the never ending cluster **** of the continuous rise and FALL