and the strangest part is
it feels like tonight's the night
but I know, deep down in my bones
that tonight is most definitely
   not the night

--

days are spent wishing for more time
hoping for new beginnings
yearning to feel skin stretched over thin bones

my days are spent
feeling spent

--

she refused to take the pills
   they made her body ache
and so
   she sits, staring into the portable sun
   on her desk of toppling memories

--

her muscles can't seem to burn enough
she trains for her war, she's getting ready
   to live her life
but she isn't feeling the pain
   where the **** is the pain

--

her veins are still too small,
her ribcage crooked,
her crossbite visible,
her dimples deep.

her collarbone shows,
her sweatshirts hang loose,
her toes are purple,
her head still bobs side to side
   when she gets lost in a song.

she is as she was
and she is as she will always be.

It's all about power-
  how much I hold &
  how much I'll use-
But you know I won't use any,
I'll just give it all to you.

Because how good of a friend would I be
If I rushed you?
If I drowned you in messages
  & notes taped to your door?
If I showed up in the middle of the night
  soaked in tears & carrying a lonely heart?
If I continued to drag you along
  out of fear that some other
  hands might hold you?

"You're still mine, you know?"

& even if I did all those things,
  what should I expect from you?
  A kiss?  A hug?  A back massage
  to soothe the pain of not being
  touched in months?

*You'll let me back in,
  you always do.
Because I know you still love me,
  & you have this delusion that
  we can still work it out,
  have kids,
  watch movies & brush the hair
  out of each other's eyes.

& so whenever I need to feel at home,
  whenever I need to see dimples,
  or a crossbite,
  or hair I used to compliment as "big",
  or smell that shampoo you've always used,
I can simply return to you-
Not as yours, of course,
  but as someone you wished was yours.

It's all about power.
& you give it all to me,
  every
  single
  time.