Because i'd rather avoid you, delete you, ignore you
because the last thing I wanted to was to find myself in the middle of the night before a full day of MEChA activities and workshops writing you a ******* tragic melancholic pathetic love poem
which makes me angry and sad at the same time
talk about intersectionality

because it's hard to survive
and I want to live
and feel loved
and I feel you take me for granted
and in order to honor the love I have for you
I need to let you go
until I can love you as a friend

you taught me to love you without limits
and that's so hard to unlearn

because I learned to wait, to listen, to save, to not expect, to serve, to accept

because I refuse to go on and pretend this love doesn't exist
because I can't be your best friend
comadre, sister or whatever the ******* call it

because you make me feel little, ugly, betrayed, silenced, guilty, unwanted, dependent, anxious,

and because you always expect a reason from me
mientras como de tu plato hondo de soledad y silencio

because I want you to cry like I cried
feel what I felt
believe what I believed
know what I once thought I knew

because I need me whole
and you taught me to love me in fragments.

Because I love you, and love like that is so hard to unlearn. Any theories for that?

My life has changed... I feel cold... Alone.. And upset... I cry silently.. I dont know how to move on and im trying i really am but i just dont know how. I feel something in my heart that i cant explain. Its like a physical pain but medicine doesn't work. My birthday is coming up and its hard to picture any celebration without you.
My head hurts from missing you and sometimes crying. I know time will make it easier but noone talks about the "right now"... Part of me was amputated the day you left

My heart weighs a ton yet its empty. Losing you has been tough although thats an understatement... Its been less than 48 hrs and i have at least 3 things to tell you already.. Who do i tell? I re-read our texts over and over and i smile because i have no regrets. You kno what you mean to me and i sure know wat i meant to you. I even have u tatted on me forever. We did so many firsts together and this.... This right here we were supposed to do together too... But you left me...

You never think that the last time is the LAST time. These emotions come in waves. One minute im okay the other minute all these emotions come rushing and its overwhelming. The minute i think im alright it just starts all over again. I dont know how to handle it but i do know that time will make it easier to cope with.

Some people know what you really meant to me. Others may say she was just your 2nd cousin. But... I've lost my best friend. Yes she was my cousin but thats at the bottom of the list bc blood couldnt make us any closer. She was my ride or die. Usually i was the one always arguing on her behalf tho bc she didnt have a quick enough comeback ever. My partner in crime, My confidante who knew everything and i mean everything even the TMI stuff. My comadre, i still dont kno what to tell the kids... And they just mentioned you today. My heart shattered in that moment. She was just my person...

I can only wish everyone in this world can experience the bond like the one i had with her. The ties that bond us are impossible to explain. Our bond defied distance, time, or location because we were just meant to be.

Because you are my person and will always be my person... I love you

Me duele el alma..

Junior High
The worst and the best years of my life
we laughed, we cried, we were connected, we were one
you *helped me

Seventh Grade
she was there
the girl everyone loved
the girl everyone wanted to be
I devoted my life to her
made her feel better about herself
risked everything to make her happy
my grades,
my family,
my dignity
all because of her
my so called "Best Friend"

I did everything I could to be like her
I stopped eating
I stopped listening to my parents
I stopped caring

everything was for her

Then...

She ruined me

"YOU *****! DONT EVER TALK TO ME!" were the last things she said to me

I died inside
I was finished

She told everyone lies about me
made up stories about me

Id walk down the halls and everyone would step aside as if I was crap
****
Id ask a simple question
only to be responded with eyes filled with hate
disgust

those eyes haunted me

Id cry myself to sleep

I shut everything off
my mom
my dad
my brothers
my sister

my self

I was an empty body with no soul
like a pen with no ink
useless and unwanted

but you...

you saw through the lies
you didn't see the girl that was unwanted
you saw a girl that was lonely
a girl that was troubled
a girl who needed a friend

you were there for me

I showed you my internal scars
you showed me yours

across your wrist

how could someone so beautiful do that to herself?
the pain you must of felt
you told me your story
I told you mine

you defended me
you were there for me

YOU HELPED ME
and I will never forget that

we know each other inside out
we know each others secrets
HELL! we wrote fan fiction together!

I want that again

we are learning how to live without each other
cause you'll be leaving me soon
and it hurts every time I think about it

But for now I just want to be with you
I want to laugh like before
I want to have our inside jokes be ours again
I want you to be honest
I want you to tell me when I **** up

Because your my best friend

my comadre

you saved me....