being mixed is the least of my  
problems,  but it's an issue never recognized all anyone ever thinks is how great it must be. how great it is to have  light skin and have good hair and to be "ethnic" but they never realize that behind these brown eyes is a person. a person who doesn't know who they are cause they've been asked what they are too many times. a person who has put themselves in a box, limited to one race because they're afraid of being called fake. all for being themselves, who ever that is. if I act this I'm not enough this, it's hard enough being bi racial but deciding who to act like is the hardest  part. having to check one in the race box when you're really four having to repeat what you are to people so much that you just stop answering. just say yes to every question to make them go away. judging you like the color of your skin really matters. I thought we resolved this idiotic issue  over a half century ago when African Americans united to find equal ground and now the same group of people are tearing each other down based completely on the same ridiculous idea of pigment. hearing "she's not black enough" "you're too light" "shut up you can't say that you're just mixed"  because the n word is surely something only said by purebred black people and because I'm tall with a big **** I must be black but I'm pale on a scale of one to Akon so their must be white somewhere but where did those hips and those rolled R's come from she just might be Hispanic and in fact so my story is not a cliff hanger as if you care and I can't believe that this is what we fought for. the idea of equality in the black community  is being destroyed by ignorance and misplaced hatred towards ourselves. So if I'm being told through history books that we won this battle in the 60's then I'm wondering why are we still fighting ? When  we were kids it was all well and fine cause we all spoke the same strange optimistic language of curiosity but now I can't hang out with the people I grew up with that I promised to never grow apart from because somehow the language we both once spoke evolved differently over time. And now I'm stuck up because  I was taught there's a time and place for everything. Including speaking like you have an education and speaking with people your comfortable with. stop asking me what I am like it's who I am don't take the light skin and the intelligence for a weakness. I don't think I'm a chola cause a few of my friends are Mexican my name does not have an "esha" or "niqua" at the end of it cause I play basketball and I don't want to be  white because I sound intelligible so next time you ask me if my hair's a weave or where I grew up or if my mom's white as if by you knowing my racial backgrounds you may actually know a speck about who Ciarra is and  Even if I answer these questions you still don't know me. so next time you speak spanish at me or you try to ask me what I am like it's my life story. remember ignorance isn't bliss.

Sometimes in the darkness when I'm doing my nightly cries
I think about that day
that you passed away
and then I'm saddened because I can't recall our last words
and then I'm saddened even more because no one's ever told me yours.
I often shed the most tears
because you were the main person supporting me through all these years
constantly asking me and wanting to know about school
I smile, then I think..I don't remember the last time I told you I loved you.
I was once told that the only way out is through
but I don't know how to get myself to stop missing you.
every reminder of your presence brings on a memory and every memory brings out the tears
but I'm ready to switch gears
almost a year later and it still hurts and I'm not sure how to feel
my soul is torn and I'm not sure how to heal
you were apart of me and you will always will be
I always imagine that moment when dad told you "her name is gonna be Ciarra Renee, the middle one like yours see"
when I fill out forms or have to say my middle name
I'm constantly reminded that you're probably the reason I'm a little bit insane
and also that you are an inspiration to me & didn't die in vain
all these things because of you, I was blessed enough to gain
I wish I could've repaid you
or express to you how much I appreciate you
God or someone must really love me, to give you to us for a whole 6 decades..
and no matter how long you're gone, your memory will never fade.
tears in my eyes as I write this, I wonder how proud you would be of my grades
I hope you all hear the strength I'm my voice, when I say
that sometimes I'm not okay, and that's okay
because,
I miss your warmth, more than a baby misses it's mothers..like a niece misses her favorite aunts
to have you back I would put aside my desires and my wants
but as the universe loves to remind me every birthday holiday or live event, you're not
so before i repress my
Feelings and tell myself to stop
I want you to know if you're out there that I love you more than the sea loves to kiss the shorline
and that to me you did not die
*but just became a greater part of me.