Alarm at 9:30, wake up at 8:30, stretch in bed, go downstairs to kitchen, make omelette, give a quater to a freind, eat the rest, alarm goes off, cycle in to uni, shuffle the word order of an essay, print it, muck around, go to the bar, glance at a man giggling to himself, smoke a dovetail, go back in, slice an orange, eat it then, go through, the print out, crossing ****, out, Daniel walks up, hey hows it going, fast talking scurry walking you know what i mean man, he starts up, ive heard this one before... i havent drunk for 3 years, now i just smoke ****, cos i always smoke it,  got a girlfriend? I had a girlfriend, she was my best friend, then she went crazy though, made me insany, i said to her listen:
im thirty its simple you with me or no?
You stay or you go? Is that simple or no?
This was a while ago, she said i dunno, i felt mad as mud, and i came to the bar, just human beings, and there was my girl, with a korean! I smiled in surprise, he switched up the convo, you had a girl, well did you like her?
I stopped him right there, im going for a ****, dont mean to diss,
ok he said bye,
and walked through the door,
of him we'll say no more.
I got to the ******, a sense of achievement, sense of a glorified victory for me, i fumbled my fly, which was hooked with a paperclip, which was bent round the button, to stop from fly diving, and as this was happening my eyesight went whitey i tingled my fingers, i staggered aboutey, my foots were a-wobbling inside of my shoe, my knees were a-jiving to knee-jiggler tune, i flopped on my bag on the back of my back, twitched and i break-danced until my foot tore loose, and suddenly a boot, an invisible boot, and invisible foot, and invisible man, kicked me my jaw, and back snapped my neck, left me there sprawled. cripped by pain, blinded by white, starved of control, but over at last, i hobbled back out, morosely sat down, high brows of eyes, did you goosey gander, oh my Amanda, he looked like a mortal
when he went in
but then he came out
limping with sin
that boy was me, i met with a girl, and cycled back home, certain my tendons, were torn off the bone, i told her i fainted in the toilet and fought with an invisible man, she said can you be normal for once and tell me wagwan, why were you painting the toilet, and who was the man, i told her again that i fainted not painted, and she looked confused. i lost my essay, and im wearing glasses and your saying nothing, except nonsense and nothing, i told her id noticed her glasses but had seen no essay, as she let me go she kissed me but i asked for a hug, a hugs more important if youre stuck in the mud, i went to my house and told all my flatfriends the truth, why my foot hurts and my disturbance of duelling that man, they acted surprised and then went to bed, i made i some tea, and then spent the rest of the night smoking down my confusion.
Healing gently but still some weak patches


it rained then shone then hailed then snowed
and she'd forgot her coat
and it poured on her throat
later passed the day
and we cycled back northways
carlights lamps and moon hit your face
smiling with your long as a boot-face
hail-bones sparkly white as toothpaste
england is a sock and we live in a bootlace

her 'guy' lived with her
so she came round early arva-,
i accidentally injected her
with a deadly kind of larvae.
she went to a farmer-cist
to get an antidote,
a little white little pea that
went floating down her throat.
merrily merrily merrily merrily,
right under the belly
it knocked the nest out from the tree
and stamp the eggs to jelly

mama pigeon was away
magpie made jelly-egg
stampy stampy crush crush
heavy evil mag-leg

You are carlights through white window shades,
You’re moonlight on the shore.
You are sun before rain had a chance to fade,
You’re bare feet at ocean’s floor.

Your voice echos atop the hollow waves
that we sleep to every night.
Your laugh is your heavy heart being saved,
all silver shadows fighting golden candles’ light.

I am grays and blues and evergreens,
I’m early sunlight reflected in clear eyes.
I am ever changing and ever seen,
I am pastels trapped inside thick black smoky ties.

We are a single whispered chord, retuned and redefined,
We are coastal byways and yellow dotted swerving lines.
We are deep navy skies inhaled by wintry crystal night,
We are watercolors cooled by the sea then cast in firelight.

I was driving on the highway
at a skipping 70.
Singing along to 80’s top 10
phrases like“everybreath you take” and “total eclipse of the heart”
splurged off my tongue.
Waving out the last ember of my cigarette
like a star in a constellation

            I was drivin' back home after a
            10 hour flight and 1 week business trip.
            2 hours of sleep were guarded under my seat belt.
            The windows were down, the air conditioner was blastin'
            I was brakin' all the stops to stay awake
            Come on! my ****** eyelids wouldn’t stay open
            they kept slidin' closed as if 100 pound weights were clipped onto my eyelashes
            like those freaks in the Guinness world record--
            or something---
            focus.....focus.... slurred off my tongue as red carlights blurred
            and danced to a balletic symphony of speed.
                      

                        The Choreographed Cars All In Spaced Lines
                                               Flashed By
                        A Black Ranger Extended His Hand To a
                                                  Toyota
                        Dance with me?
                        The processed metals leaned close to
                        One another
                        Twirling their wheelings on the ground
                        Pirouetting
                        Other cars joined in
                        Tumbling on top of each other
                        Glass showered upon them like flower petals.

My cigarette was jammed into the dashboard
and the sirens of melodic ambulances
            were in my ears.

We'll know how far we've gone
once the ocean stops and we see
Los Angeles
set on fire by streetlights
carlights
spotlights
from the passenger window.

We'll know how far we've gone
once we see the giant orange chasm,
the blistering white snowtop mountains
and the crystal azure rivers
from the passenger window.

We'll know how far we've gone
when we see the amber waves
of grain that I grew up singing about
whispering in the Nebraska wind
and see the capital building
busting out of the fields.

We'll know we're home
when the plane touches solid ground.

There is no one on the ferry tonight.
When I say no one,
I mean no...one.
I am the only passenger.

The crewmen go about their usual business
And I sit on the top deck
For the first time in a year;
letting the for-once warm air touch my body again.
It was snowing two days ago.
It is now the first of May.

I open my library book that is long overdue
I'm only forty pages away from the finish,
Maybe I can get it done tonight.

But when we pull away from the deck
And I can't keep my eyes off of her.
The skyline.
The city.
The moon has made his début
and he paints her so perfectly,
with a silvery glow
and fuzzy edges.

I crack the spine and let the frayed pages
reach for each other,
overlapping like intertwined fingers,
and shut the cover.

I am in awe.
I am a child, reaching out,
grasping at lights,
languidly,
wanting to capture fireflies
on hot summer nights -
just to feel them,
as if they were mine,
for a moment.
Hold it,
hold it
hold this peace and don't let it go.

I do not feel my body
because,
in these precious few minutes,
I am free of it.
I do not have my body
I do not have that burden
There is no more head cold
No more pain
No more flesh anchor
to feel discomfort.

We push away from the ground
further into the harbour
And my eyes trace the road maps,
Carlights glide through it like a maze.

I see bright signs,
in-your-face advertisements
but their meaning -
their Capitalist importance -
is lost on me.
It beads off my mind like wet drops on duck down.
I am invulnerable to these pressures,
these pushing ideas,
these modes of persuasion.

I'm now caught by the bridge.
By cars on trucks on vans on bikes
All criss-crossing across it.
I am confused
Isn't it closed tonight?
Isn't that why I'm here?
No, it strikes me,
This, is a Friday.
The bridge is open.
People have decided to use the bus instead.
And I am thankful.

We stretch far enough from our starting point
I can't clearly make out the signs anymore.
I lose interest,
I test my vision. Focus on one bridge,
then the next.
Watch the yellow orbs follow one another,
and become less and less frequent.

We come closer to our destination
And my insides hum with inner peace.
I switch seats.
Watch the shoreline approach.
I see so many of the streets
I run back and forth on daily.
I see the Casino
I see the harbour view hotel I used to clean.
I hear nothing
but water
splitting and spitting
parting ways at the will of our boat's edges.

As the Navy yard approaches
I wonder if the single sailor I know
is aboard one of those ships.
They are large shadows with smoke
coming from them like dragons.
But they'd be nice, I think.
The smog curls like a tongue on the water,
Dissipates,
And gives way to more
to take new form.
Like a hydra
Where one head is lost
another appears.

And now the signs catch my attention again.
Bank logos identical to the other side.
I am reminded the world is run by banks,
that we eat money.
But the thought is not cynical,
or negatively tainted.
I it just there.
I am only present.
I am the only one present.

Time, the world, is a mountain range.
It stays still, it stays the same,
but people move on top of it.
Sculpt it to their will, and by accident,
and by habit.

I look to the water and am reminded
how dangerous it would be,
for me,
to fall.
But the more you know about something
Does not necessarily,
take away from temptation,
to touch it.

We dock;
We wiggle and jimmy into the boat's parking spot.
And I cannot help but be infected with dismay.
The familiar sights come back to me.
Murphy's,
Theodore,
The board walk.

I reluctantly drag myself from my bliss
and down the stairs,
acknowledging the man letting down the ramp.
He reminds me how lucky I am,
to have a ferry all to myself,
even if only for one night.

I agree.

I grieve at the departure,
Because I am no longer disconnected from the city.
On a safe island of in between,
I am once again a part of it.
I am swallowed by it's presence,
And I am forced to retake my place as a single firing neuron
in a thriving organism;
A toxic ecosystem.

My headache returns.

Coming down from the high of my meditation,
I begin to have 'city thoughts' again.