Where does the soul go when I'm under anesthesia?
Where does the soul go?

Where does the soul go when I'm put under? Where does the soul go?
Where does the soul go when I'm under anesthesia?

Where is this place where I become insensitive to pain,
Where dreams do not exist
Where time becomes a secret
And sleep escapes me
When I am absent,  when I am gone
When I am here and nowhere.

Where does the soul go when I'm under anesthesia?

Do I  just become quantum information embedded in the universe?

Where does the soul go when I'm under anesthesia? Where does it go?

Little petty mistakes threw us apart
Dragging me into anesthesia
Down in the memory lane
Lies nothing but pain
I'm alive but I feel so detached from the world
It's a state so queer and strange
With every piercing flashback
I fall deeper into anesthesia
My body lies still on the ground
But my soul is bursting like flames
And every flame burns every inch of my existence
It's a state of heartbreak
But it's still more than just that

ANUNG ALAM NATIN SA PAG-IBIG?
ito ba ay tungkol sa naglalakihang mga mata
kapag nakakakita ng magandang dalaga
na naglalakad sa kalsada
isipin na nating..
maikli ang kanyang palda
maputi ang hita
malaki ang dibdib
teka
tama na
nakaklibog na diba!?
o kaya naman ang pagmamahal
ay parang
yung ating nararamdaman kapag ang ating mga balat
ay nakakapagtindig balahibo
dahil sa hindi maintindihang halimuyak ng galak
o ito ba
ay yung mga pagbabago ng kulay sa ating mga pishi
kapag tayo ay kinikilig ng lubusan
dahil nga ang sweet sweet niya
kulang nalang magkadiyabetes ang puta
ganun ba ang pag-ibig?
ganun ba ang pagmamahal?

ANUNG ALAM NATIN SA PAG-IBIG?
ito ba yung kapag dalawa lamang kayo
nakahiga sa mga damuhan
o kaya nakaupo tumitingin sa kalangitan
habang nilalanghap ang simoy ng hangin
sa taas ng gusali o kaya bubungan
na niloloko ang sarili kapag tinuro mo ang iyong daliri sa mga bituwin
at sinasabi na ang bituwin na yan
ang parang hugis puso
kahit hindi naman talaga
para masabi kolang na meron tayong pag-ibig
para masabi kolang na tinadhana talaga tayo para sa isat-isa
kahit hindi naman talaga
ganun ba ang pag-ibig?
ganun ba ang pagmamahal?


ANUNG ALAM NATIN SA PAG-IBIG?
ito ba ay yung may nakilala kang tao
na wala kang ideya kung sino
na ang inyong bigalang tagpuan
ay hindi niyo naman pinaghandaan
o kaya naman ang makilala nating ang tunay nating pagkatao
na tayo ay hindi basta tao
tayo ay merong kadiliman na hindi purong kabutihan
na kailangan man tayo ay tao
napapagod din
natututong sumuko at bumitaw
sa kapit ng "kaya ko pa"
dahil kailanman walang anesthesia na dumadaloy sa ating katawan
para hindi tayo masaktan
ganun ba ang pag-ibig?
ang pagbitaw ba ay pagmamahal?
ang pagsuko ba ay pagmamahal?


ANUNG ALAM NATIN SA PAG-IBIG?
ito ba ay yung paguubos natin ng oras
kahit na alam natin na ito ay walang kwenta
pero wala nakong pakialam
dahil nga kasama kita
na ang saya saya natin dalawa
nagtatawan kahit sumakit pa ang tiyan
hinuhusgahan ang mundo
sinasabihan ng mga tinatago niyong sikreto
wala kanang pakialam
kase nga kasama mo ako
na sana
hindi na matapos to
tayong dalawa
ikaw
ako
at ang ating magagandang mermorya
ay itatago ko at aalagaan dito sa puso ko
ganun ba ang pag-ibig?
ang paglaan ba ng oras ay pagmamahal?


ANUNG ALAM NATIN SA PAG-IBIG?
ito ba ay yung galak kapag nakikita kita
o kaya yung kapag kasama kita
kapag ako'y ubos na
pagod sa katotohang na ang mundo ay hindi basta basta
andiyan ka palage
nakaaalalay
handang ibigay ang balikat masandalan lang ng mabigat na isipan
ganun ba ang pag-ibig?
ganun ba ang pagmamahal?


ANUNG ALAM NATIN SA PAG-IBIG?
ito ba yung pakiramdam
kapag tayo'y nagpapaulan
na para bang gusto na nating sumuko
sumuko dahil tayo ay pagod na
sumuko dahil ang mga sinabi kong halimbawa ng pagmamahal
ay malayo sa katotohanan ng buhay nating dalawa
iniisip kung ano pa ang ibabato sa atin ng buhay
sige ibigay mo ang lahat
hindi ako basta basta natutumba
hinihiling na sana magkasama tayo sa huli
sana wala nang huli
sana wala tayong dulo
dahil ayoko, na ito ay magwakas pa
o kaya hindi na natin ito inintindi
dahil ang gulo na ng  isipan
nandun parin ako
nagpapaulan
hinahayan na mabasa ang sarili
walang pakialam kung magkasakit pa kinabukasan
basta ako ay basang basa na
niyayakap ang ngayon
tinalikuran ang masamang kahapon

anung alam natin sa pag-ibig?
meron ba tayong alam tungkol sa pagmamahal?
anung alam natin?

ang unti
ang onti lang ng alam natin sa pagmamahal
napakaonti
na nagbibigay sa atin ng galak
ng sige gusto ko pa
ng ibigay mo na lahat wag kanang magtira
dahil gusto ko maranasan ang pag-ibig
bigyan moko ng pagibig
bigyan moko ng pagmamahal
mahal, anung alam natin sa pag-ibig?

The smell of death seeps through the cracks of locked doors where you hide the side of yourself that you never let me see. I keep having search parties for the key but I've finally convinced myself that you buried it along with all the other hearts you've broken. The blood stains on the ceiling are reminders that in some cases the last place I want to go is up, and laying breathless at the bottom of a lake is a better way to drown out the sound of “I love you” seeping through your clenched teeth.
When I was 10 years old I first heard the word ‘anesthesia’ come from the mouth of my best friend whose mother died a year before, and she told me that it meant she was numb to everything. Nothing could make her feel anything which is probably why she danced with death and there were rope burns around her neck as she lay in a casket 3 years later.
It escaped my mouth for the first time yesterday when I saw you walking towards me with a smile on your face and a gun in your hand and the realization hit me before the bullet did; sometimes the side that is hidden from us is the side we’re trying to escape from. But my fear of death subsides every time I stand before you, why else do you think I ever let your mouth meet mine? The consequence is just as dangerous. You’re just as poisonous. There’s no way to escape this.
I find myself standing in the middle of busy streets where cars hit me but I don’t die. I find myself waiting for the train, but never at the station. I find myself in places and I can’t remember how I got there but death always looks me hungrily in the eye and loses its appetite as soon as it gets close enough to take my breath away.
I want to quit breathing, but I don’t. This feeling is so strong yet contradicting. So powerful yet, so nonchalant. It was last night as I lay on a bed with sheets covered in my blood that I came to a conclusion...death is my anesthetic, and you've been giving it to me in doses.

Numbing from the sting of life
Neosporin is the razor
The band aid is blood
Anesthesia is working
Numbing from the loneliness of life

I remember vividly,
The days of my tender immaturity,
That complemented an air of naivety I had.
But now I have learnt,
How to maintain a reticent manner,
An agreeable countenance,
And an unceasing anesthesia.

I have tamed my heart not to beat fast at the sight of you,
But it still needs practice.
It needs practice because it has never known how to face its fears calmly.
So, it remains hidden right here in my chest,
Eavesdropping on you.

I have taught the sinews of my wrinkled lips to smile freely.
I have taught them to smile freely because sorrow chokes me.
Sorrow chokes me because I cannot resist the thoughts of your indifference,
Running wildly down the nerves into each sombre inch of my skin,
And every inch of my skin mutilating itself,
Tattooing your name,
Slowly.
Silently.
'Painfully'.

got a condo in manhattan
but it's empty unless i want to be
cold in the winter
and alone; comfortable

used to call an old flame up around that
area and just vibe
no words, pure concentration on
the movements of our energies

and how they connect to the stars
above or maybe we were just high
out of our minds and being warm
next to each other watching the rain

was something we both could take
home with nostalgic feelings
silence so comforting and numbing

The anesthesia in my veins
Takes away all the pain.

A leather chair
It's comfy
And the headrest actually fits!
The woman
A nurse of some sort
Explains **** near everything
"This does blaahhh
And that does bluhhhhh
And this other thing does
Blegghhhhh"
Thanks.
Let's just get it over with
Then in comes the dentist
Well
He's an oral surgeon
He tells me his name
And hooks up an IV
And in goes the anesthesia

                    BLACKNESS

A comfy chair
I must be coming to
But in the office?
Then I hear the cat
Ohhhhhh
I'm home
Ok
Cool.
What do you mean?
All I can eat is ice cream?
And mashed potatoes?
Ughh... I wish I was back asleep.

I can still recall, as bright as dawn,
those cryptic lines and your cobalt eyes.

Just so natural, you seemed.
He was just as caged as free.
Just like the shoreline, you are.
He is lying there in scattered parts.

I'll be the one to stir your bones,
the one to build our broken home.

Just so natural, you seemed.
This fate is purely for me.
Just like the shoreline, you are.
I'm forever living in your heart.

I'll be the one to stir your bones,
the one to build our broken home.

You look at the world through empty orbs,
ignoring the beauty that swells within.
Your lips work like anesthesia,
numbing your words till they have no meaning.
Sometimes I have to wonder, who you really are.
If I’d knock on you, and hear an echo,
sound bouncing off skin walls.

I want to reach down your throat and strike a match.
Ignite a fire in your gray soul. 
Fill you up with fiery flickering hues.
A passion that forces you into motion.
Awakening your mind, realizing your truth.
A yearning for life beyond just living.

None of this is preconceived.
Lesson One came in the knowing
That no animal, angel, or adult
Has any knowing at all.

Life never attains ideals.
There’s a sand-grained image of you:
“How did you manage sunburn in Great Yarmouth?”
The pain now forgotten as anecdote.

they meet at hospital locked unit for torture victims undisclosed site no unauthorized access their condition experiences high risk public relations for war effort mainly patients seclude themselves in anxious solitude when not in anxious treatment they will remain under strict government surveillance until war is over at which time another administration will determine their resolve

she graduated from Stanford with Masters in 9 languages employed jointly by Hachette Livre and Random House Mondadori publishers United Nations attaché interpreter translator then Special Forces Black Ops

he graduated P.H.D. from M.I.T. in political military economic social information infrastructure systems tactical behavior strategy campaign employed by private security contractors consortium assigned to unidentified location

her captors splayed arms legs to table force fed 1 gallon ***** down throat 2 gallon enema without anesthesia sewed shut eyelids **** sphincter then starved rat inserted in ******

his captors blindfolded handcuffed victim prepare beheading live internet feed decide instead shackle him to wall douse gasoline ignite water hose scorching body 3rd degree burns then apply nail-gun through testicles ***** dowel to temporal lobe

act 1 scene 1

small unused visiting room 2 gray couches end table with lamp vase of plastic flowers

HE sits in wheelchair severe burn scars to face scalp body memory loss hoarse raspy voice stiff protracted body motion

SHE under continuous psychotherapy supervision patient suffers severe PTSD shaky submissive prescribed modified combinations of 13 medications (Prozac Adapin Vivactil Nardil Desyrel Wellbutrin BuSpar Klonopin Vistaril Neurontin Inderal Catapres Seroquel) administered twice daily

HE i brought you bacon strips in napkin from breakfast

SHE (eyelids flutter hands tremble) thank you but you keep it (pause) you know i used to be vegetarian

HE i know i look monstrous get over it there’s a real human being trapped inside this mutilated mess

SHE i i i can’t talk (pause) don’t know what to say (pause) after they sewed me up they ripped me apart shoved rodent to gnaw my insides (pause) skinned cooked made me eat it

HE you’re still alive aren’t you quit your whining show some gratitude stop being such a big baby

SHE how dare you ******* accuse me you’ve got you’re ****** **** nerve

HE i apologize please forgive me i’m not myself since the injuries i’m desperate for diversion pain management escape from excruciating pain nightmare thoughts i still endure

SHE who’s the big baby now

HE please help me overcome this consuming terror distract me with your loveliness please be my muse

SHE i’m no healer what do you mean be your muse

HE inspire me open yourself up to me arouse feelings beyond my suffering

SHE i’m useless look at me i’m a basket-case

HE spread your legs let me see

SHE what! you’re rude blunt disgusting

HE show me your cooch you got ***** hair?

SHE oh god you are so ****** creepy repulsive (pause) and I’m not a very hairy person

HE come on darling work with me stroke me relieve me

SHE i don’t even want to think or know about it go take care of it yourself

HE i’ve tried i can’t stay focused i see my disfigurement then get sidetracked i can’t get myself off

SHE all i am to you is a piece of *** you brutal *******

HE you could show a little tenderness maybe nurturing fix what’s broken give it up to me girl please i beg you let me do you or do me

SHE i was informed your ***** is shredded testicles disengaged

HE who told you that it’s a lie my ***** are maimed yet intact my **** still gets ***** granted it’s not a pretty sight keep your eyes shut

SHE (body twitches) you want power over me

HE ***** power i want some release i want you in control you in charge of my ******* please be my curing goddess

SHE (looks away) i don’t trust you

HE what’s not to trust i’m a pitiful casualty of war just like you we weren’t born like this but we’re both now doomed useless pathetic

SHE you could try being more polite civil congenial perhaps if we were friends first liked each other and you won my sympathies but you’re so forceful intrusive

HE war does that to a person

SHE please make an effort

HE you mean if i talk nice you’ll consider

SHE i will take it into consideration

HE i think you’re pretty more than just pretty beautiful

SHE i’m shattered damaged wrecked ruined

HE i see beauty in your face figure beauty in your words reactions

SHE i’m afraid to let anyone inside

HE i’ll be real gentle i promise

SHE i’m scared

HE yeah i’m scared too scared i’ll shoot blood instead of *****

SHE shut up

HE help me please find a way back to myself a way to accept love respect you

SHE hmmm uhhh since you phrase it that way i’ll think about it i’m not promising anything just considering (pause) ok? (pause) how would we go about doing this?

HE we used up our free time today they’ll be searching for you begin picturing in your mind how you would like it done imagine feeling loved protected

SHE (eyelids waver) help me learn slow how to do this dance

HE every step of the way

SHE thank you see you tomorrow

I lay on my hospital bed,
waiting for the anesthesia to kick in.
Feeling dizzy. Turning sleepy.
There's no one there to hold my hand.

The nurses looking at me,
waiting to start the procedure.
Looking tired. Pacing quiet.
My body starts to go numb.

I will soon be out of this world,
at least for a few hours.
Running free. Feel no pain.
My eyes start to lose reality.

I wish I could stay numb
until I have to sleep forever.
Have no fear. Living strong.
So please, Mr. surgeon, leave the anesthesia on.

I've lost a battle
Within my soul
My mind is unsettle
Forgot about my goal

Now trying to revive
To recollect and recall
The medium to survive
Before another fall

The pressure is intense
From my own peers
My heart goes in pretense
Hiding all my fears

Night brings in dark thoughts
To harm myself again with pains
Destined to fight these lots
But my hands are soaked with stains

Blood, it is mixed with ink
As I write on these walls
Drawing up my insanity link
That's when I heard the calls

Ambu sirens squeak the street
Someone rushes in my room
Gives me anesthesia as a greet
But time kicked me to my doom...


©sim

Who am I?

I am a fool;
Who knows not that electricity shocks him
Nor that the knife cuts him
Nor do I know that love is lethal.

But alas I am a fool;
Many are willing to take advantage of this
While I am lost
In the bliss of love

They say that love is anesthesia
That it dulls the pain,
But in my opinion
All it does is bring it back again.

And so I am left
to pick up the pieces,
of the fool
who once loved.

When I see a star falling, I wish to hold your hand,
Rest my heart, and trust you won't break it.
For You're the one I want to be with even after forever ends.
I offer you my Love, please take it.

Oh, Love...
Love, Oh, Love...
When will you be taken?
When would you be touched by this maiden?
So fragile, easily broken;
Yet have been turned over after being given.

Hopeless Romantic, when will you learn.
That Passion and Feeling, is to be earned.
Stop putting everything into fate and coincidences,
It's time to do things your way and face the consequences.

To her, to Love, To me...

Sharpen thy arrow, Cupid;
In Venus' heart, shall it be seeded.
Lay it gently, softer than the clouds.
Vow to me that only onto her heart shall this be allowed.
If ever her heart have already been taken,
All left to be done is for that arrow be broken.

I am tired of writing love songs about you

Because they do not work
Because I cannot bring myself to summarise the hurt
When it's greater than just words

I traced your lips with my fingertips
As you held my neck and drowned me

I tried to keep the bubbles in my hands
For the day you'd come drown me again
Funny how a heart so small
Could wreck such treacherous trouble

Will you hold me closer?

When you say 'sing me a song'
And I think it's because you love it

But you were right all along
You were in love with my need
A need for something more than greed
And I could not play along

So the songs sounded the same
Because all we had was a blank page
Blander than a desert tongue
Will you hold me closer?

And still I begged
Because it is all I know to do
I crashed walls through
Just to get to you
A fool a fool a fool
I played for you

I turned tipsy as the world went spinning round and round in psychedelic swabs
Liquor after liquor
Anesthesia
Only brings out pain
I gave in
Because it is all I know to do
In a dark place full of wastrels waiting for love

Will you hold me closer?

I came here
Ready to regret
A little revelry to rock the bland away

Yet how far could I run with your clutches round my neck?

I tore up the pieces of paper
That I wasted all on you
Happier times
Haughtier lies
I tore up all the words I gave to you

No more poetry for the first time your lips touched mine
Or how you playfully pushed me by the seaside
The days before you showed your wicked side

No more circles with endless lines
Here I'm staring at the blank page right before my eyes
Ready to rewrite

What was life like
Before you?

Your eyes meet mine amd smile

One last time
Will you hold me closer?

Dandruff storm
Avalanche on the sofa of predilection
Hair string over hair root
By 3, by 5
We get stuffed in poisonous genes
And thym and broccoli
Rise and hate
Revolution against it all
Dream the dream
And zip your lips
Do not hum do not dare to
Irritation
Carrots in my hair
Mosquito bites all over
Sensitive skin
Which were maybe
Meant to be
Goodnight kisses
Pictures followed by gaps and spaces
Paces cover the backs and fronts
Just to make them seem divine
Shiver against the satisfaction
Of your own foolishness
And go wild
Trim, skating, framing the pines
Snow-covered inflammations
While it is in action
Rolling, lurching
At a couple of indiscernible numbers
Per hour
Soft clouds of lies
Covering mountain peaks
Blow hard enough
And then fall back
Slowly
Separating the air from the air
Take a sip
One last time
There is always
Something
Staring
Waiting
For you to fall
Holding on to grated cells
Just around the right corner

There isn't a feeling like being awake undergoing a surgery.
I guess it was a lot like being hurt by someone you loved.
I guess it was a lot like loving him.
You know you are being hurt. You feel the scissors, the knife, you feel them pulling, you feel them cutting, but you don't feel hurt.
You know they're hurting you, but deep inside, you choose to not feel the hurt. You choose to be numb. You choose to believe they aren't hurting you.
But then you can't take it anymore, and there's nothing you can't do. So you let them to keep hurting you. And they keep hurting and hurting until they take something from you.
No matter how small, how irrelevant. how good or how bad. It's still something.
They took something from you. A piece of you that you're never getting back. And the minute they get that something, they stop hurting They leave.
And when they leave, there's nothing else but an ocean of hurt. Everything you do hurt. Every word you speak hurt. Everything you do reminds you of them.

You are quite a gifted surgeon.
In fact you cut me so clean and sharp
I barely even knew it at the time.
Waking the next day in my hospital bed
was where I met my pain.
Being with you was like anesthesia:
I was so grateful for you to help me.
You were the one who weakened me.
My senses failed: your scalpel cut
clean to the core, and then I just let you
sew me back together. The nurses say
I am very lucky, that I had a good doctor.
I know better. I was once a person and
now I am Sally Stitches, or better yet, Raggedy Ann.
I am no one's operation game.
Letting you in brings only stitches and needles,
and it was I who checked myself in.
I need to learn to stitch myself at home.
Consider this my checking out.

Collection of characteristics
that the outside world
deems desirable:
empathy,
gentleness,
sensitivity,
the ability to love
deeply, madly.

Yet,
from where I stand,
the view is bleak,
for having a heart that
is big
means that it is
a hundred times more likely
to be punctured.

I wonder
how many times
my soul can
take these blows
before it withers
into
nothingness.

My body aches
of a perceived emptiness
that is
grossly
full of
an echoing,
resounding compilation
of disappointment,
anger,
and despair;
and though I am sad
in the free flowing of
my own bitter words,
I breathe in a jagged breath,
heave a large sigh,
and succumb to my
self-induced
anesthesia
as my big heart
is transplanted
with some smaller,
colder *****
that is not
riddled
with
pain
and
dismay.

I want to be
small,
simple,
average,
for there is nothing
to be desired
in anguish,
and I now
find myself
writhing in
envy of
those who possess
the gift
of
apathy.

Life is like a suicide hike,
Although it's a beautiful trail
It's scary to think one day we'll fall.
We fall because we walk on edges,
Some worth walking on, some not.
Ultimately, we learn from both.


Be careful who you choose to walk with,
Be careful who you choose to sit with.
Because they may just push you off
And way down you'll be falling down.
But sometimes it wasn't them who pushed you off
But it was them you thought would help you up.


And when we've hit our lowest point in life
We start looking for the root of our pain,
But it's dark and empty, it stings we feel lost.
It's no paradise down here, the pain feeds on our strength.
It's a tragic accident that breaks all of our bones.
With no paramedics or anesthesia, we've got to operate ourselves.
We don't know which injury is killing us more,
But we know a slow death is coming for us.
Our blood no more, regret is what the heart pumps now,
We scream and cry away our mistakes
But down here is a curse playing our fall in a loop,


I don't know when it stops
I'm drowning myself in my pain.
I've stained my soul with too much hate
I'm no longer the person who I used to be.
I've been down in the dark for too many days  
But when I start my hike again  
I hope to go further than yesterday.

Is it love you want,
or merely
an anesthetic
to numb the pain?

~John Mark Green.

You can't fly unless you let yourself fall.
Saying what we want to speak so badly is never the bad part but rather gathering the will to make the call.
If you want the rainbow you must deal with the rain.
Will you be able to truly appreciate pleasure if you've never experienced pain?
The lack of the worst would make the best also siese to exist.
Yes, Sure the first time you'll be nervous, overcome with fear, but by the third you'll have unshakable courage behind every kiss.
Must bleed to heal. Must be numb to grasp the thirst to feel. You must be uncomfortable a few times to know exactly where & why you fit.
Life is just one big college major & if you want to hold your degree you must endure the prerequisites.

I don't want any pills
Or any bottles
If I can't feel the pain
Then I don't know where I stand
If it hurts
Then I want to know
Go ahead
Tell me
I'm man enough to hear it
And I'm man enough to take it
How do I know?
You told me long ago

I can't wait 'til
Nightfalls
Tonight
I will
Construct nightmares
So insane
Phantoms couldn't fathom
Fantasies make foul turns
Fascination fails
You'll frail frantically
Your chain of the thoughts
Become a train
Derailed
From Loco motives
Your emotions
Are now
Monstrous motifs
Built moments
Before happiness
You'll stare
In terror eyes
Scared as cats
You scratch
Along the wood floor
Forced
Through dark corridors
The doors
Horror tore off the hinges
You're inches away
From no longer living
As soon
As you've given
Yourself away
I take
And make worse!

Death dances
At arms lengths
I've never seen someone
so anxious
To reach

Too anguished to speak
How shall I satisfy?
This shallow heart
Is empty
But simply filled the rows
Of this cathedral
With people
Who payed
To see the price
You've payed

I guess,
Hell sales
This thriller will terrify
Eye's should stay confined
When I
Comply to my conscience
Can science comfort you
It claims this isn't real
Well
It really helped me
Make you feel
Comfortable enough
To sleep
Deeply
Anesthesia
Will be the
Reason for your sweet retreat
As soon as your
Sound asleep
I'll compile vile thoughts
And send you on a journey
With intent
Of you never returning
A one-way trip
From float, freight or flight
As long as it brings
Fright
By mars at night
Where nightmares
Are the day
And you're fearful of it's sight

I felt the totality of nothing
and it provoked utter elation
as all that was born of sensation
was inversed to none, nothing, one.

It feels nothing beneath or above,
Neither beside of me, no way
left nor right nor wrong.

As aeons unfelt
allowed anesthesia
to grip me, held wight
by its dissociative thrall.

I have braved the depths
of eternity, delved into spaceless
infinity, submerged in its chaotic bliss.

I dared to immerse myself in it.
Low and behold, the M-hole.

My mind keeps pictures of you up on its walls
                            again
                         ­         and again
I find my thoughts drifting down that river of memory
orbiting around you, like forces of gravity drawn
to the idea of us (if there even is an us)

If I could then I’d lock you outside my brain, leave you out there to rot
in the abyss, where your words couldn't penetrate me
and your lips that work like anesthesia forbidden to numb me again

I won't do you the injustice of romanticizing your imperfections
You're no nebular, you're a black hole, a gaping flaw in creation
Your eyes that held millenniums of history, now hold me no future

You made me forget what it feels to have stability
To not walk out of a room and forget why I left
You make me want to shred the skin you touched
Like a reptile, to become reborn, purified from my past.

There never were any butterflies in your stomach, only parasites
but you fed them to me readily like a disease

So no, I won’t dedicate you another love poem
                 no I want (deserve) better
This isn't what love should be
I’ll write you a poem where the words convulse on the page
and you’ll forget to read it (you always do)

i have since then lost the ability to feel love
ever since i failed to make you feel that i did

an anesthesia as quiet as

mustard gas
with it's creeping cloud passing through barbed wire with a magnificent yellow intangibility;
slow-moving and inevitable, unavoidable, and deathly--
--it's silent stalking is the breath of the Holy Ghost.

an anesthesia as visible as*

a mute scream
from the cracked beaks of all-black birds as they *croak outside the thin, thin, thin, panes;
birds ruffling and rustling like reptiles that knew better
and beat the game that the mammals never tried.

Pressing, muffling, a heat so harsh and deep I wake from my sleep, running away from the pull of a endless dark tide. So dark the breaks cannot be seen in the black gulf. I am haunted.

I am haunted.
I am haunted.

I cannot sleep, I cannot dream. There is no rub--all folly and hubris brings the death knell.

Where is the source?
To whom must I kneel?

I can feel are my bruised knees from falling prey to false idols,
                   but all I can hear are the creaking ropes of hung robbers.

what do you do when the person you hate the most is yourself?
what am I to do when all my thoughts revolve around you,
where do I sign up to get self help?
I miss the way you would do your curly hair.
I regret the fact that we never went to the fair.
I miss that black shirt you have with that little pizza slice on it,
you were my form of anesthesia, now everyday feels like ****.
I miss it. What we had, looking back, it wasn't all that bad.
I miss that time of day,
sunset,
where I would forget all of my heart's regrets
and watch you stare at the sun
we did the dumbest things just for fun.
you shined brighter than the lighter that lit those cigarettes you hated so much,
no matter how often you inadvertently hurt me, I can't hold a grudge,
you are the one who can truly judge.
take me to court, decide if I get to go free living so sadly,
or incarcerate me and my inner demons, can the state fund my treatment?
trick question, the cure is a secret.
it's not a drug, pill, or form of escape,
it was that girl I could never make feel safe.
she was the princess in the tower,
but the dragon guarding it had too much power.
he whispered my worst fears into my ears,
my mind went blank,
and that's when I sank into this hole called depression
being sad?
I'm so good at that, I'd call it my profession.
I'll be the first to admit I am very weak,
I have no right to speak.
I'll just sing my hate at the stars,
let it drift off into space.
maybe the gods above will pity my mortality,
think about my well being more than she does.
who is she?
everything I've ever wanted,
giver her back to me.
P L E A S E ...
?

Trophies for last place,
And a Holiday for every weekend.
A taste of this and that...
OF Italy and Ireland and Asia and Germany
and every township in the county,
and 3 collective Miles of
Portable Toilets,
Strategically Positioned
throughout each event.
cause there is going to be a Lot of ****...

Hooray for whatever we are celebrating this weekend.
Whichever one of the 30 different Woodstocks
Or week long Music Festivals
That exist only so
the Hippest of Hipsters
can congratulate each other
on how Indie they are.

Ya know, it's happy hour somewhere...
Why not party
All Day, Everyday?
Devalue the weekend
Like we have thanksgiving
And New Years.
A Five Kay For the Common Cold,
And We'll even give trophies for last place.
Cause we're all winners here.
and we're all hungry.
And What represents your heritage better than
Pizza or sauerkraut or General Tso's
And endless flowing barrels of refreshing, Ice cold, Domestically brewed and Nationally brand recognized Alcoholic Beverages?

IT's The Great Dumb Down, Charlie Brown!!!
A symptom of the Universe
If there ever was one.
Mass anesthesia to keep us all content
With our collective mediocrities,
our Forfeit Potential,
Our Day Job that doesn't pay very well,
But kind has benefits.
So we stay on.
In fear of nothing better.
It makes feel important.
Like Wheel of Fortune makes us feel smart.
(Wow, you can spell?!)...
Dwindling returns in a world of Beige and Pastels
And the Muted Grays of limestone concrete.
We Accept less and we Get less and we accept less and we Get less
And On And on and on,
till we hit that lowest common cultural denominator,
where your race is what food you eat,
And we all qualify for the special Olympics.

we live in foggy car windows, spitting out white lies that turn in vain,
white lies that turn black
like your hair, as it caresses your shoulders
like my hands, as every cell in my being reaches for you
but the cytoplasm current is too strong, and swallows me whole
like if your words were quicksand
i would sink
i wouldn’t fight the pull
i would let each needle and thread stitch me to the right side of your brain
with no anesthesia
nothing can hurt more than tiny paper cuts that we don’t know about,
you are the hand sanitizer and lemon juice that drips into my open wounds
i try, and try to shake you away
i don’t recognize my own bed when i sleep alone
my dreams are more of a reality than the actual person laying next to me

i feel the cliff under our feet, i push you first,
but your sweaty palms grab my wild fang t-shirt
and i’ve never felt more alive than when falling to my death
leave the world behind
i don’t know if that is a blessing or a curse
leave me behind?
i don’t know if you are a blessing or a curse
let my lungs fill with each particle of quicksand until it overflows into my throat, spills out of my mouth
onto your lap

babe, i’m not trying to fix you even though i always try to fix people
you like me with makeup and rose petals
i still take rolls of tinfoil, clump them together, and swallow them whole
to fill my aching hunger, the number on the scale means nothing when you are dyslexic
please don’t see me with hives and weeds
that grow from my ankles, straps on me
with a ***** on the end
begging you to call out my name
with mouths open, and gentle kisses in the elevator after i met your mom
pull the bandaid off, rip my onion layers off

i still feel more at home
on crowded buses where i am the only, white person
white person walking in low lit alleys with gazing, men
men beckoning me to come closer till their hands slip, in
in hidden closets dating the opposite, ***
*** in unfamiliar places with temporary, homes
homes in hospital beds and drugs pumped into my, veins
veins in your arms, is where i am still trying to feel at home
trying to feel
trying...

honey, i’m sorry if i held your hand too long
if this can’t be as good for you as it is for me
cut me from my shambles
you didn’t have to say you loved me
i read it between your poetry
yet, i still hold my own hand, draped across my torso
sometimes gravity pulls my hand up my ribs, to my breast
so i can feel my heartbeat
maybe this time i won’t forget how to...breath
i will stop digging up my own grave
just to inspect my broken corpse, to try and rebuild this temple
the bricks don’t fit anymore
too many fragments taken away

like my body was used for science
the doctors diagnosed me with a hypothesis
it read if with you, then without me
what is a hypothesis without the theory?
theorize goodbye kisses at red lights
research the car filled with the smell of *** and morning
question **** stains on my sheets
or tear stains on my shirt you wear

i cried for the first time with you there
you were laying next to me in bed, my arms around you
you were asleep
and i wiped my tears on your shoulder without you knowing
i cried to the rhythm of your breathing
spoke hymns in your ear you would never hear
confessed my love, gave you my all
your eyes never opened
weaved your hair in my hands
while i unthreaded stories of my past traumas,
giving you one piece at a time
your heart never flickered
tinkerbell lost her flicker when she didn’t get attention
but how much was too much until it suffocated her?
my thighs in knots from straddling you