I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

“Just comply with a smile,” he says.
It’s as if he owns you.
To comply means “to act in accordance with a command.”
Commands are what you give to a dog.
That isn’t what you are—for one second, don’t believe that that’s what you are, my friend,
But what he implies is that you are.
Comply.
Submit.
Lie down.
Don’t move.
Shut your eyes.
Stop breathing.
“But smile while you die,” he says.
And you say “yes” because you love him,
But love is not mean to take life,
It’s meant to give.

Say no.
SAY NO.
And make him believe it when you say it.
Breathe again,
Open your eyes,
Move,
Stand,
Shout
REFUSE.
And make him believe it when you say it.

He needs you. He needs you and he hates it about himself.
He needs you and you are woman and woman is the opposite of masculine so
He hates you.
Or at least he acts like he hates you, but really
He loves you.
And maybe he feels unworthy of your love, sweet, unconditional love, so he pushes, fights, quarrels, hits
It all out of you.
Reflects his unworthiness on you.
Doesn’t want to melt, to sink, to unravel, to be loved
To be taken into your arms and held and told, “it’s okay

to be weak.”

so he tells You, “just comply with a smile.”
he tells You to be weak so that he is strong,
or at least he thinks that he is.
really his strength is a projection of the anger that he is
human,     mortal,     weary,     going to fade,
and he’s angry that he’s not the hero of some fictional story—
FICTIONAL story—
where the man who destroys life is the one who lives forever.

what the world needs is not heroes and their damsels in distress.
what the world just needs is Humans.

You are a Human, my friend,
Of the softest and sweetest variety.
And humans deserve to feel loved but it is not Your responsibility to
Love him.
He will go out looking for love when he realizes he’s worthy of it,
When he stops hating himself so much that he
Kills others.
And you cannot wait for that to happen.

Smile, my friend, but smile because You want to,
Not because he wants You to comply like the kicked down & scared little dog that he feels like.
He wants You to feel trapped because he is trapped,
But You are not.
Your capability to love, and love endlessly, is what makes You free.

Smile, my friend, and say no.
Breathe again,
Open your eyes,
Stand,
Shout,
Live,
And be free.
Please, be free.

The waves are crashing around me.
So peaceful yet so strong.
I can see my whole life here,
Just floating by.

The water,my surfboard and me,
I don't want to surf
All I want is to sit here and think.

Think about 'what if?'
And 'maybe I should have done this'.
The horizon seems so far away,
The more you travel towards it
The further away it is.

I could say the same about life,
Sometimes the more you want something
The least likely you are to receive it.

There floats my past relationships
And the pain of loosing him.
The ocean is so calming and healing,
That I want to stay forever.

That little empty playground
Filled with absolutely no sound
It's beautiful how the sun shines on it.
Different colours brightly lit.

So peaceful yet so lonely,
Because I am the only,
Person here.
This place was built for people,
It's not old like a steeple
Where is everyone?

Where are the kids?
On their bikes doing skids.
Where are the mums?
Twiddling their thumbs.
Where are the dads?
Fixing the bike brake pads.

For now it's a place built only for me,
With the beautiful light coming through the tree.
As I sit and watch the time pass by,
And daydream about how I can fly.