I seem to lack a sense.
I missed a very important date today.
Today we'd sit underneath the tree,
observing around us.
We'd make shapes in the dirt with our fingers,
break sticks till they crumbled,
unnoticed beneath our fingers.
I miss your face.
I'm sorry,
let me make it up to you?

I'll never be able to fit in the outside world.
It's not something I want to be part of.
I'd rather stay inside,
listen to music and write.
My broken heart hates to see the light of day.
It's dark inside..
No one to make conversation with.
No cars to drive next to.
I can't forget my way home if I'm already there...
The sun can't shine through and
burn my eyes.
There's no reason for me to get up.
No reason to get up and say 'let's go out'
If I go outside,
I will see the world that I once knew.
The world that now is a crazy house.
That's crumbling
and destroying itself piece by piece.
I can't go outside.
It will just tear me apart even more.

If only you could see what your doing to me.
You bring me to my knees,
begging for you.
If you could only see the way I love you.
The way I stand by your side,
making sure your okay.
Wipe away the dirt when you fall ..
So tell me darling,
Why can't you see that I'm the one whose been here all along?

Have you ever felt yourself breaking?
Knowing it was coming
And there was nothing you could do about it.
You feel yourself sinking closer,
deeper into the darkness..
You just feel depressed.
For no apparent reason!
Why?
Why do we feel like this?
Why do you feel like we want to die.
That we are ready to give up.
There's no hope for happiness anymore.
For heavens sake we barely remember what laughing feels like!!
Let alone happiness..

Lately times haven't been great.
Silent wheels screeching, killing inside my mind.
I can't say I am who I was.
For good.
Or for worse...
I'm completely broken, bruised.
I am little.
I am scared.
I can't stop once I've started,
refuse.
You say I am different.
That I won't hurt you like the rest...
I warned you, that I always stay the same.

It started as 21 questions.
We'd ask each other what we were afraid to speak openly

We admit we're not great at relationships
but don't understand that in that moment,
we created a surging bond between our two hearts.

Your touch was like fire,
mine ice.

Our kisses never soft
Your lips penetrated the deepest parts of my soul
Your brown eyes sparkled with desire

You took a part of me
Physically and emotionally

As I was suddenly finding myself falling
You were on a different cloud,
visiting another angel.

You saw me, rib cage open
Heart hopeful

So you took your bow and arrow,
and shot me out of the sky.

In your arms I lay bleeding.
You whisper you love me,

as your arrow take away your part of me,
draining this void you once began to fill.

Tears leave my eyes as you gently place a kiss on my forehead,
sending my body back up to the skies.

But now I continue to float endlessly.
Watching my surroundings change,
fill with clouds and spaces of air

but inside,
I feel empty, unmoving.

I thought my life was a book,
one people wanted to read and

maybe find a new way of life.
A happier way of life.

But now it seems,
my life is an acoustic song,
only filled with tragedies.

Eleven months.
Three hundred and sixty two days.

I was never sure if I could be wounded any more.
But I could.
And I was.
She left me on her birth day.
A quite one it was that year.
I asked around.
You undeniably left me.
It happened before,
but like this?
I couldn't remember the last time it felt like I stuck my heart into a burning *** of oil.
I could recall it hurt.
Not like this
You asked me to wait for you.
That you'd get better after just a few months.
You said you had to get help.
You were forced.
They took you away from me.
I wanted to run to you but you told me to stay.
I was useless, like a queen exposed.
Checkmate
I was stripped of my footpath and contentment.
I was left searching.
Searching for the reasons you told me I'd have to bleed for.
The reasons why you were gone.
I picked up each broken glass,
bit by bit.
My heart and mind ached to hear your voice.
To see your face.
To hug you.
I wanted to feel closure while you gone.
But then you vanished.

Eight Hours Apart

You were only eight hours away from me.
Yet I couldn't feel your presence encircling me anymore.
You no longer held onto my dreams and whispered sweet words.
I would feel little when I could feel your tears drop to the floor.
I felt like a bean compared to your garden of pain.
Though, I sprouted through.
I worked through the hurt,
stitching it
one by one
into myself.
Repairing the once empty space with ruin, understanding and martyr.

Three Days Away**

Being apart,
had unmistakably killed the living thing you call a soul
inside me.
It ate at me until I finally released it from hunger.
It didn't shine nor buzz.
I was lost,
but I don't want to be found.
The great and Almighty were washed away from yesterdays glass.
Three days.

Lay upon the shallow earth.
Listen to the beat of its heart
Figure out what it's worth.
As your two worlds part.

The clocks strikes louder than usual.
As I lay here on this cold, hard floor.
Your words replaying like a tune on repeat.
Silent scenes playing on the blank wall.
Sleepless nights full of tossing and turning,
one leg in, one out.
The feeling of seeing someone you love
love someone else,
haunting your mind that's already on edge.
Your mind that has thoughts of the hollow tree outside,
freezing from the outside in.
Branches weeping with each breeze...
Leaves letting go as they fall helplessly.
Suddenly the tree begins to tumble beneath the hail of pain.
Rays of sadness leaking through and spilling onto the pages of life.
The pages you so long kept dry.

The only one left listening is you.
You warm my blood and sting my throat as you ease my pain
The stronger you are the more you take away...
You caress my body as it begins to sway
Heating it with your very touch

You feel familiar in the pit of my stomach
Better than butterflies
My heart races just inhaling you
My dear friend, ethanol...

I want to change.
I want to feel it rushing through my veins,
growing in my bones
and threading through my thoughts.
I want to change for better this time,
rather than worse.
I want to change in a way not only I notice.
Strangers will look at me and think
"She's a new person now, look at her aura"
I want to prove to my surroundings that I can bare to be compos mentis.
Mother nature will close around me in a way I can finally understand.
Stress is no longer an obstacle but an opportunity.
Uncertainty is no longer scary, but alluring.
I can't stand to see my time go wasted.
Chances never taken.
My mind, body and soul will be one,
not three.

There are no words to describe the emotions rushing through my head
But I can give you a glimpse
Of what I'm battling on the inside

Smile wide
but it doesn't reach my eyes
Eat more
eat less
either way I'm skin and bones

Silence covers my blaring screams
A cage wrapped around my mind
Enclosing nothing and everything

The future seems dark
almost untouchable

I run miles each day
chasing day dreams

Just dreams

My heart pounds
but is it really mine?

An hand comes and grasps it tightly
taking a bite

Mouth full of ash and ice
it repulses
Throwing my heart to the ground

I hate to admit it
but that's the only time I've felt alive.

I don't know
what it is that makes me so much like a wall
Something people like to lean against for balance
but
then it becomes a crazy request when the words begin to build
I'm tired
Not physically
I'm not sure mentally either...
I'm tired of laughing when all I can think about is the darkness
I'm tired of sleeping when all I dream of are my worst fears awake
I'm tired of waking up just wanting to curl over
and to just close my eyes again
I'm tired of feeling something then suddenly having it ripped away
ripped away by some invisible entity called depression
I can kiss and feel nothing at all
I can lay quietly and have a whole war of words and imagination
battling without a word or reason  
I can blink and feel an inevitable amount of grief pass by
I can breath for hours
then suddenly want to take the air from others
I feel like I'm in a cycle of tired, okay, tired, not okay, okay...
tired
Sometimes
I can yearn for such a love
And hate just that moments later
I'm confused at myself
Confused at my emotions
Confused at my heart and head
Confused at why I feel so...

*Aloof

I won't admit it
I'm tipsy tonight

So I'll bite my tongue as my insides churn
My mind races and skids

I don't want to hear your words
I don't want your embrace
I'm lost in my own world
Reality and imagination collide into one

My hands shake from not eating
The ethanol is pushing its way through my veins
Invading my thoughts and heartbeat
My pulse slows

I won't admit it
I'm a bit tipsier than I should be

My emotions slowly fade
A foggy brain emerges in its place
I can't help but think of the future
A shot glass to every beginning
And end

I sink deeper into the temptation
Sip by sip
My body begins to lose its control
As warm liquid fills my blood and lungs

I won't admit it
But instead of your kiss
Its the glass that touches my lips

Today I officially said those words
we so desperately needed to hear
The words were on the tip of my tongue
but my mouth couldn't open
I started out with
"You know I love you right?"
Because I had to make sure you knew
Not just before, but even now
Your eyes changed attitude
your voice became blank
You assumed what path I'd taken us on
I reluctantly continued my words
Feeling like every word ripped you farther away from me
But you agreed
Although your eyes screamed a different story
You smiled
Said you weren't dying inside
So I leaned against you,
hoping you'd feel the connection and love between us
rushing from electron to electron
faster than ever
The understanding we have for one each other
In pain and in desire
We're forever bonded in love, friendship
and in difference

*I love you

I'm Fine