I've thought about a lot this week
I'll write it down before I sleep
The words that I'm too shy to speak
While you and I are lying face to face.
I'm too shy to unhinge my jaw
And let the syllables freely fall
I'll lie awake and write it all
So maybe you can see.
People leave fingerprints on our soul
After the curtain's closed and they've played their role
But they also leave us with a gaping hole
That fingerprints won't fill.
But you were the one to make all the difference
And understand the purple scars on my wrists
Some people wrap our souls in their fists
And refuse to ever let it go.

Its unbelievably unsettling to try and digest
Every word from your mouth that comes straight from your chest,
Your heart on your sleeve, while mine tries to take a breath.
If you could see past the pretty things that drew you near,
Our flawless connection that preceded your dismissal of fear.
If you could see the ugly parts I keep so inconspicuously stored,
Would you still think the world?
Could I still be adored in your optics, would I still hold some sort of light?
I’m not over thinking this, right?
I mean, with an exterior this thick it conceals my inner light
I’m essentially a walking disease with a mind of its own,
I’m lethal to you, I should let you go
But you’ve ignited a war between my head and my heart
And I haven’t known who to side with from the start.
I just need you to understand this terrible nightmare I fear
Don’t take this the wrong way, I’ll try and make myself clear,
I won't forgive myself if you end up getting ****** down here.
But I can tell you this much without a shadow of doubt
You’re the only human with potential to help pull me out
And I hope the day you finally decipher exactly what I’m about
You’ll be able to keep your eye on that dull light beam
Shining through the cracks of my shell to remind you of what’s underneath

I don't want to sound cold, but my bones have been rattling,
Teeth won't stop chattering,
I've been at this thing for weeks.
And I'm usually not one to bite my tongue,
But I'll sink into it this time
And **** the blood from between my teeth
I'll swallow this whole and let it digest me from my head to my feet.
My graves been dug before I've even been diagnosed,
It's not fatal yet.
But I've convinced myself of certain death,
I'm losing my mind, but I'm willing to bet
You've got this all figured out  you're on top this time
Karma's a *****, believe me I've already gotten mine.
I lost my friends and my pride,
You think I'm oblivious, you think I'm blind?
I've dug myself a hole, but I'm building stairs
There's not a **** thing you can say that can keep me down there
I'll let this roll off my back, I've hit bottom, you've won
From this far down it's so hard to see the sun
But six feet deep, I can promise this is by no means the end
From here I'm on a roller coaster that can only go up, my friend

Like the blooming of the green on dead branches during spring
When the color all starts shining in and the birds begin to sing,
I'm bursting through my black and white and coming out my skin.
Alarmed I don't recognize the colors, or that deceitful twisted grin,
I think, "****, that can't be me. Have I always been so thin?"
And I watch as every soul I've touched lines up to throw the towel in.
I'm standing nose to nose with my reflection, I'm screaming in her face,
And I put a crack in that glass mirror for every mistake I'll ever make.
Pathetic and self loathing, I raise my arms out to the sky
Screaming, "Alright, that's it, I'm giving in. Oh god, just let me die."
I wear my scars with shame and anger, I'm losing faith in getting well
And I walk around draining my color, I create myself this hell
Reverting back to black and white, its a Russian winter in my mind
Don't even dream of trying to take me by surprise,
Let me struggle to get out alive.

They say that time is just a metaphor, extra stress humans create
Tell that to the man who’s got a time bomb to deactivate
I think in hours, minutes and seconds, the clock takes control
The minute hand constricting my airway, while the hour hand picks at my soul.
And please don’t let my irrational thoughts push you over the edge,
I could really use a friend, I could really use a friend.

And when I fell, I fell for every inch of you.
The miniscule details that the naked eye would miss.
I fell in love with the way you sipped your tea
And the way your lips looked pressed around a cigarette filter.
I fell for the way your fingertips caused electricity to run through my veins.
I loved every follicle of hair, every fingernail and freckle
These things consumed and wrapped me in their arms
They infected my brain until it was all I knew.
My heart filled and exploded from these things I felt.
I was scared
And I ran
And I’m sorry.
These details still swim in my skull and I try to get them to disperse.
But there’s no escaping something that’s become a part of me.
So I'll yank at my limbs and dismember my ribcage and pick apart every last aching memory of what I've done to you.
And I'll lie there in pieces feeling more whole than before.

I spend quite a few hours on the clock contemplating my life reliving and the memories of drunk nights on the floor and mornings we chased the sunrise and I try to be profound but the words cant seem to climb my throat to reach the air. The words unsaid often tear holes in our stomachs and make our tongues bleed from clenching them between our teeth. This stream of consciouness is all I can muster. But I do believe this anguish is better than spreading the disease to you, because I’ve already caused so many nights of gut twisting agony.
I have a pitch black mind with twisted words and false intentions. I am a poison I have created myself and to remove the venom you must **** it out from the source. Its wrong of me to linger in your blood and your veins when I have nothing good to give. I am merely a parasite. You can strive once you have been healed of me.
Do not let this discourage you. I am not who am I am. I’m a shadow of the past. I am venomous and vindictive and wrong.
I must repair this.
You must get up, and keep living.